Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Skeleton​

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

 

[moreluck]

YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...

* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm

 

[moreluck]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder



Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich .


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.




Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.





Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.





Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.





Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?





Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.





And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
Immigration.



Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

 

[moreluck]

Why He Had to Change Hotels Last Week

Last week, a man checked into his hotel in Atlanta, and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books, like escorts and such."
He looked through the phone book, and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture !! He figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . . God, she sounded sexy!

Afraid he would lose his nerve if he hesitated he rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you giveagreat massage, and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything !! Now, how does that sound ?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

 

[Catatonic]

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were shouting 13, 13, 13. The fence was too high to see over so I looked through a little gap in the planks to see what was going on.


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting 14, 14, 14.....

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.

 

[moreluck]

The economy is so bad...



*that people now get pre-declined credit cards in the mail


* parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


* Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

* the Mafia is laying off judges

*It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

* that if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

*Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

*a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

* Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

[Big Babooba]

I LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark..
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Catatonic]

Thought For The Day - The one POSITIVE result of "Cash for Clunkers": It's taken 30% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

 

[moreluck]

Saving Time​

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[moreluck]

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15.. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What 20 other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously.. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. I'm in the 7%. Remember that I will always share my spoon with you! Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
ï

 

[moreluck]

The economy is so bad..........

*that people now get pre-declined credit cards in the mail


* parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

* Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

* the Mafia is laying off judges

*It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

* that if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

*Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

*a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

* Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're Over The Hill When...

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper, " "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays... "

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digits.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

 

[moreluck]

The Indian and the Buffalo

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Me training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,

Disappear for rest of day.

 

[moreluck]

DON RICKLES ON DEMOCRATS





No offense intended.....Ha! Only Don Rickles could get away with saying
this stuff.


Don Rickles Roasts the Dems...


Hello, dummies! Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?


Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint Bernard. Now I know
why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract
pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically
unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T. and Reid's so dumb, he
makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual. Nevada is soooo screwed! If
I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.




Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you
must've been something before electricity. Seriously, the Speaker may look
like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. She
really is an idiot. Madame Speaker... want to make twelve bucks the hard
way? Pelosi says she's not partisan, but her constituents call her Madame
Pelossilini.




Charlie Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What
does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only man with a
rent-controlled mansion. He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to
pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income! So why isn't he the Treasury
Secretary? Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.




Barney Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider... he and
Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown and they're not only not serving
time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system!
Let's all admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on
novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right.... he's from
Massachusetts . That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry --
man of the people!




You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine
bottles with him. Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local newspaper
calls you a "lying weasel", it may be time to retire. Dodd's involved in
more shady deals than the Clintons . Even Rangel looks up to him!




Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... especially given your
upbringing. All you've overcome.... I heard your birth certificate is an
apology from the condom factory. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but
it really works for you. Personally, I don't think you're a fool, but
what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?


As for President Obama, what can I say? They say President Obama's arrogant
and aloof, but I don't agree. Now it's true when you enter the room, you
have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket. His
mind is open to new ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it.
Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name
really was Barack. Just don't ask about his middle name! But Obama was able
to set a record... he actually lied more in 60 days than Bill Clinton. As
far as his administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists -- well,
in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to hump a doorknob out there."


With all due respect.




FOR THOSE THAT VOTED FOR "HOPE AND CHANGE"... BEND OVER AND PREPARE

 

[moreluck]

THE GIVEAWAY...

Today I am giving away a gaggle of geese.

A peep of chickens

A herd of cattle

A skulk of foxes

A parliament of owls

A murder of crows.

A clump of grass

A quiver of arrows

A coven of witches

A posse of police

A convoy of trucks

AND

A BLESSING OF UNICORNS!

Really!

That is what a bunch of unicorns are called.

A BLESSING!

 

[moreluck]

Bayou Yelling



Emery live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Emery would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Emery's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Emery. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Emery say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Emery say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

 

[trplnkl]

A BLESSING OF UNICORNS!

Really!

That is what a bunch of unicorns are called.

A BLESSING!

 

[moreluck]

And They Ask Why
I Like Retirement !!!​

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday​

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.​

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.​

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.​

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.​

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.​

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.​

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!​

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.​

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.​

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.​

And, my very favorite......​

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday,
NOTHING.....
Saturday & Sunday, I rest.​

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'​

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.​

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.​

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors..
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.​

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'​

.

.​

 

[moreluck]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The
> 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs
> for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with arse."
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
> he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
> crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
> His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
> "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
> "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
>