Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Mother Teresa​

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

 

[moreluck]

THINGS YOU WISH YOU'D HEAR...

1. From your auto mechanic:

"That part is much less expensive than I thought."

"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."

"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."

"It was just a loose wire - No charge."


2. From a store clerk:

"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."

"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund...whichever you prefer."


3. From a contractor:

"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."

"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."


4. From a dentist:

"I think you're flossing too much."

"I won't ask any questions until I take the drill out of your mouth."


5. From a restaurant server:

"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tom."

"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

 

[moreluck]

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day - it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

16. We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast so enjoy your precious moments.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.

18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

 

[moreluck]

Blonde Inventions:

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:
Black highlighter
Waterproof tea bags
Braille driving manual
Dehydrated water
Screen door on a submarine
Helicopter ejection seat
Air conditioning for motorcycle
Left handed pencil
Wooden barbecue
Glow-in-the-dark sun dial
Gasoline fire extinguisher
Battery-powered battery charger
Clear correction fluid
Fake rhinestones
Fireproof matches
Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
Mesh umbrella
Solar-powered flashlight

 

[moreluck]

I Resign!


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple;
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ .....

"Tag! You're it."
Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple Things in Life.​

 

[moreluck]

6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed the company.....


(Security in numbers and all that

 

[moreluck]

The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn't win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honors with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."

 

[moreluck]

Amusing Irrelevant Facts........

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.

2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.

4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called .

5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.

8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

 

[moreluck]

Florida Diary​

• April 30th:

• 
  Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
  
  [*]May 14th:
  Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
  
  [*]June 5th:
  Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
  
  [*]July 1st:
  The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take awhile, I guess.I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
  
  [*]July 15th:
  Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
  
  [*]July 20th:
  I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!
  
  [*]July 25th:
  Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hell!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.
  
  [*]July 30th:
  Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
  
  [*]Aug 4th:
  100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.
  
  [*]Aug 8th:
  If another jerk say's to me, "Is it Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off.Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
  
  [*]Aug 10th:
  The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two ****ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And who came up with the statement "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God forsaken place??
  
  [*]Aug 14th:
  Welcome to Hell !!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
  
  [*]Aug 30th:
  Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!

 

[moreluck]

Older women are so reasonable


AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACKAND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, KING-SIZE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN... SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.


AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR

MID-LIFE CRISES!

 

[moreluck]

Animals That Stutter

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[moreluck]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa..
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and
they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house..
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday
too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


Love,

Cy and Phyllis

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Big City Counterfeiter[/FONT]​

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"

 

[moreluck]

THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."...... and indicated the
sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches
in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the not e, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'

 

[moreluck]

Message

I noticed that my four-year-old daughter, Diana, had a large bruise on her leg. When I asked her how she got it, she replied, "It's not a bruise, Mommy. It's a message." When I asked again how it happened, she said, "Well, I was jumping on the couch even though you told me not to, and I fell off and hit the table. That's when I finally got the message."

 

[moreluck]

Ways To Get Through a Crowded Hallway...........

1) Kick people.

2) Scream at the top of your lungs, "Get the friend* out of my way!!!!"

3) Claim you have projectile leprosy.

4) Hop like a kangaroo - that will make a scene.

5) Lick people.

6) Trip someone - they will fall like dominoes.

7) Streak.

8) Grab onto high beams (if present) and swing like an acrobat.

9) Bite people.

10) Step on the back of the person in front of you's shoes, after he/she runs away from you, do the same to the next and the next... etc.

11) Two words: Water gun.

12) Flick their ears.

13) Give away free wedgies!

14) Blow on the back of their necks.

15) Random Hugging.

16) Walk with your fist out in front of you, then claim, "Why did you walk into my fist?"

17) Sing the Barney theme song... twice... three times... keep going.

18) Use a wheel chair (guaranteed to work) or crutches.

19) Borrow sleeves in place of the tissues you forgot to bring with you.

20) Threaten innocent people with a plastic butter knife.

21) Claim you're a free spirit that can't be confined by cotton or polyester - go nude!!!

22) Fantasize about Bea Arthur out loud.

23) Run, screaming, "There's a bomb in this hallway!!!"

24) Carry a lighter and flick it constantly looking mesmerized by the flame and laughing like Beavis.

25) Fumble with blueprints, look lost and mumble a lot of directions and the words "air duct".

26) Yawn loudly, they're contagious.

27) Shake a can of spray paint and act like you're itching to do some graffiti.

28) Show off your "sane" stamp that they gave you when you left the asylum.

29) Ask, "Can I be your friend?" to everyone... the weirder you are and the preppier they are the better.

30) Talk about your new friend, Norman Bates.

31) Scream, "Bloody Murder!!!"

32) Write the number 666 on your forehead and claim you are Satan's spawn.

 

[moreluck]

LAWS..........

Murphy's Laws If anything can go wrong, it will .

Love Laws All the good ones are taken .

Tech Laws New systems generate new problems.

Computer Laws Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Commerce Laws To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Real Estate Laws At least one check will be "lost in the mail" every month

Teaching Laws You never catch on until after the test

War Laws Friendly fire - isn't

Cops Laws Bullet Proof' vests aren't

MP Laws No street-wise unit ever passed inspection

Murphy Volunteer Bush-fire Brigade Laws If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
Photography Laws Auto Focus - won't

Nurses Laws Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well
Bus Law If you're running late the bus will be too

Lotto Laws You match 4 numbers, but you lost your ticket
.
Cars Laws An oil leak will develop.

Toddler Laws When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.

EMT Laws All bleeding stops... eventually.

Graphic Design Laws Your best idea is already copyrighted.

Mothers Laws Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.

Scouts Laws The easier the rules of the game the fewer will want to play.
Political Laws No matter who gets elected, Government always gets in.
Golf Laws Whenever you think you might par you bogie.

Employees Laws The more work you are promised, the harder it is to find.

Office Laws When you don't have much work... all your colleagues will be busy.

Music Laws At least one mobile phone will ring during a rehearsal or concert.

Horse Laws Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.

Martial Arts Laws You are not Bruce Lee.

 

[moreluck]

What's Your Business Sign?

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?

MARKETING -- You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES -- Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY -- Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING -- One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

ACCOUNTING -- The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES -- Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT -- Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT -- (See above - Same sign, different title)

CUSTOMER SERVICE -- Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT -- Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" -- As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO -- You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

 

[moreluck]

evening out.........



Halfway through a romantic dinner at a cozy little restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love with him all over again, until he added, "We gotta get some of these lights for home."

 

[cachsux]

I think my wife is cheating on me. She told me she`s in love with a maroon.

When I find him I`m going to kick his ass!