Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

 

[trplnkl]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds..
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[trplnkl]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a beer and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:


BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'

 

[cachsux]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Sticker Sayings ......

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

 

[moreluck]

The World's Shortest Books:

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton​

_______________________ ________________​

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton ​

________________________________​

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY​

B y Bill Clinton​

___________________________________​

​

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE​

by Osama Bin Laden ​

___________________________________​

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD​

by Bill Gates
____________________________________​

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY​

by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________​

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE​

by Al Gore & John Kerry ​

_____________________________________​

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore​

​

-------------------------------------------------------------------​

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ​

____________________________________​

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE​

by Mike Tyson ​

__________________________________​

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________​

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS​

by O. J. Simpson ​

_________________________________________​

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES​

> by Ted Kennedy ​

___________________________________​

MY BOOK OF MORALS​

by Bill Clinton with introduction ​

by the Rev. Jesse Jackson ​

> *******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:​

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!​

By Nancy Pelosi​

 

[moreluck]

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows..............

1. Pull your droopy pants up.. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. We say "sir and ma'am", "please and thank you", "excuse me and I'm sorry" when we are wrong or impolite. Do not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak. It's just good up-bringing.

12. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

14. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it frightens the fish, and aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. Don't think that since we talk slow, we think slow. You may be in for a surprise.

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump stuff ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true southerner will send this to at least 10 others

 

[moreluck]

SENIOR HALLOWEEN...

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.


9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.


7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask,"

And you're not wearing a mask.​

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." ​

And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,

you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the

neighborhood with a walker.


And the number one reason Seniors should not go

Trick Or Treating...

*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.​

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.​

 

[moreluck]

You may be Taliban if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

[moreluck]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. ​

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. ​

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record." ​

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them." ​

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay, he told her that should also work. ​

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. ​

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim. ​

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby." ​

He asked the second city gal what method d she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby." ​

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method.. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?" ​

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, ​

"I kick the pail out from under him...!!" ​

​

 

[moreluck]

Short ones......................

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too
much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the
floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in
the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if
you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real
name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition
company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be
hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

[moreluck]

D.E.A..........

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.


With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get “Horned“ before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"

 

[moreluck]

HOW MOSES GOT THE COMMANDMENTS....




God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better."



The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."



"Can you give us an example?"



"Thou shall not kill."



"Not kill? We're not interested."



So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have
Commandments."



The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord
said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."



"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested."



Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have
Commandments."



The Mexicans also wanted an example, and
the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."



"Not steal? We're not interested."



Then He went to the French and said,
"I have Commandments."



The French too wanted an example and the
Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."



"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."



Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have
Commandments."



"Commandments?" They said, "How much are
they?"



"They're free."



"We'll take 10."



There, that should offend just about everybody.



__._,

 

[moreluck]

Jesus Calling..........

A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are arguing about religion one day when the phone rings.

The priest gets up to answer it. After listening for few moments, he says, “Yes, I will pass on the news,” and hangs up.

Turning to the others, he says, “I have good news and bad news.”

“Really? Do tell,” the minister says.

“My friends,” the priest announces, “that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and he was calling to say he’s back.”

“Glory be!” shouts the preacher. “What could possibly be bad news now?”

“Well,” the priest says, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”

 

[moreluck]

Hillbilly Vasectomy......

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as
they
could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix
the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, '
said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in
hillbilly
country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear and
count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in
the
shed,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going
to help me...'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the
can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'


'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


( you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued
counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee ,
Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia ,
Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Daylight Savings Time

An Indian's comment on Daylight Savings Time............

"Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

 

[moreluck]

New Company Policies.........

Dress Code:

- You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

 

[moreluck]

The economy is so bad
that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad
that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad

if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad
parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

The economy is so bad
a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The economy is so bad
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad
people in Africa are donating money to
Americans.

The economy is so bad
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad
the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

 

[moreluck]

SAMHAINOPHOBIA

Samhainophobia refers to an abnormal and persistent fear of Halloween. This time of year may also stir up other phobias such as the fear of:

Cats (Ailurophobia)

Witches (Wiccaphobia)

Ghosts (Phasmophobia)

Spiders (Arachnophobia)

The Dark (Nyctophobia)

Cemetaries (Coimetrophobia)

 

[cachsux]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her..

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm singl e and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'