Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu ? But I think its Colin.


What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

Two women walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

 

[Dizzee]

An Old Farmer's Advice​

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.

Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you.

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDAND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light onin the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Georgeopened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there werepeople in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Thenthe police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock yourdoors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealingthings from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them nowbecause I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed upat the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"





George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!


Don't mess with old people.



Live well, laugh often, love much!!!​

 

[moreluck]

With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

"Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in marriage?"

One student shouted out, "Cleavage".

 

[moreluck]

Three souls appeared before St.Peter at the pearly gates. St.Peter asked the first one, "What was your last annual salary?" The soul replied, $200,000; I was a trial lawyer." St.Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, "$95,000; I was a realtor." St.Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was "$8,000." St.Peter immediately said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"

 

[moreluck]

The Results of Statistics ............


1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there�s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

 

[moreluck]

The Dead Cow and Vet School.......


First-year students at Virginia Tech's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished gagging and coughing, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

[moreluck]

Here is my concern. ........
3 years ago...Chinese calendar year of the cow - Mad Cow disease. 2 years ago...Chinese calendar year of the bird - Avian flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig - Swine flu. Next year will be the Year of the Cock - is anybody else wondering about this...???

 

[moreluck]

With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

"Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in marriage?"

A student blurted out, "Cleavage."

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDAND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light onin the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Georgeopened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there werepeople in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Thenthe police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock yourdoors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealingthings from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them nowbecause I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed upat the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"





George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!


Don't mess with old people.



Live well, laugh often, love much!!!​

 

[moreluck]

The Vacation Bible School theme for the day was "God's All-Star Champions," so they had sports-related activities. To get in the sports spirit, and since Denver has several professional sports teams, the minister asked, "What is the name of the place where the Colorado Avalanche play hockey?"

One of the children answered, "Pepsi Center."

"And where do the Denver Broncos play?"

"Invesco Field at Mile High."

"And where do the Colorado Rockies play?"

"Coors Field."

"And finally, where do the Nuggets play?"

"McDonalds!"

 

[moreluck]

These are the Cowboy Rules in effect for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the Wild West.

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $350,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no '"vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in the North East call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

[moreluck]

Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

[moreluck]

Whaling on the High Seas

A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel.
M: ''Oh ****!''
friend: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
friend: ''Oh that is messed up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
friend: ''OK let's.''
So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.
M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
friend: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those creeps!''
friend: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''

 

[moreluck]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi

needs a Halloween mask.
**********************
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? .... America!
**********************
If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

 

[moreluck]

If I Didn't Have a Dog ..... or Cat ...


I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would have money and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grand kids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
I would not talk 'baby talk'. 'Eat your din din'. 'Yummy yummy for the tummy'..

My house would not look like a day care centre, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, friend-R-I-S-B-E- E, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O, R-I-D-E

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud' season.

I would not have to answer the question 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.

How EMPTY my life would be!

 

[moreluck]

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, "Not guilty."

The defendant leaps to his feet. "Awesome!" he shouts. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"

 

[Dizzee]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

 

[moreluck]

FAIL...........

We all fail sometimes, but there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.

* Classical Studies *

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.

Answer: Learning to speak Latin



* Biology *

Question: What is a fibula?

Answer: A little lie



* Classical Studies *

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?

Answer: Suspicious ones



* Biology *

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.

Answer: Early death



* Biology *

Question: What is a plasmid?

Answer: A high definition television



* Religious Studies *

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?

Answer: Monotony



* Physics *

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.

Answer: Fire



* Geography *

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?

Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar



* Geography *

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

Answer: Malaria



* Geography *

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.

Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse



* History *

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

Answer: At the bottom.

 

[moreluck]

Circumcised (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. ​

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.