Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Conversations that passengers don't hear



Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between pilots and control towers around the world.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches."

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm friend---ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ******ing bored, not ******ing stupid!"

==============================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an e xceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, clear ed for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned rig ht on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[moreluck]

13 Important Classes for Men.......


Classes for men at the local learning center for adults.
Registration must be completed by November 15th.

Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
contents, class size will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step-by-step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 p.m.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 12:00 for 2
hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of
Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby
Bathtub? Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. (Note: this class
meets at Irish's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and
the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meetings are Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into
the Kitchen Sink? Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM

Class 6: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in
the right places instead of turning the house upside down while
screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours

Class 7: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to
your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes Three nights; Monday, Wednesday,
Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 8: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she
parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing

Class 11: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation
Exercises, Meditation and Breathing techniques. Proper
techniques for holding her purse.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM at the outlet mall food court.

Class 12: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering
Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling
When You're Going to be Late. (Sending Christmas cards will be
offered in an advanced course this Fall.) Cerebral Shock
Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 13: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be
determined.

 

[moreluck]

Mongolian VD


While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his pride and joy covered with bright green and
purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man
to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got
bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man look s a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's
no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pride and joy
and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off
by itself!"

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Riddles

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it's adrift.


What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
Dinner.

 

[moreluck]

It was in the days when scarlet women were branded. One young lady who was rather free with her favor was put on trial. The prosecutor explained in detail how often and in which ways she had committed adultery. The jury came in with a verdict. She was to be branded with an A. The judge asked, "Why an A?"

The jury foreman said, "That's the highest grade we give!"

 

[cachsux]

Mrs. Smith is teaching English history to her class and tells them "If you can tell me who said each quote and when,you can leave class early"

Jimmy,eager to leave,trys his best to answer.

M.S. "Four score and seven years ago"

Tom "Abraham Lincoln,1865"

M.S. "correct" " Ask not what you can do for your country"

Mike "JFK,1961"

M.S. "correct" "One small step for man"

Excited,Jimmy knows this one and raises his hand to answer but is interrupted by Sue "Neil Armstrong,1969" she says.

M.S. "correct"

Frustrated Jimmy whispers to Sue "Shut up bitch"

M.S. "Who said that!?"

Jimmy " Uh,Tiger Woods,just last week"

 

[moreluck]

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

 

[moreluck]

Let Us Pray

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."

 

[moreluck]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 

[moreluck]

Santa Stats.......


There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

 

[moreluck]

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman[/B]

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)


2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

 

[moreluck]

Boarding from what gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

 

[moreluck]

Always Maxi-pad User 's Letter


This is a copy of a letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble with reference to their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little friend-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.
Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.
You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

 

[moreluck]

Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree

Two feet tall, forty feet wide

Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

 

[moreluck]

The gunslinger.......

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to
the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his
face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey
old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the
gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The gunslinger
swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.' The lessons
from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.*
________________________________

 

[moreluck]

Amazingly simple home remedies......


Amazingly simple home remedies avoid cutting yourself when
slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the
vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your
veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
You'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an
electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really
good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when
pushed down the stairs.

 

[moreluck]

TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES......

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer's garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words--pin cushion.

 

[moreluck]

A Sunny Christmas

Every year at Christmas time
There's not a sign of snow.
Instead we spend our yuletide days
In the sun's warm cheery glow.

We have the best of Christmas things,
The lights, the gifts, the bells,
(And "snowbirds" who arrive en masse
To fill our beach hotels.)

The glorious weather fits right in
With our happy Christmas mood,
And we can also walk and run
Without having to be snowshoed.

So don't feel bad for your (location) friends
Who have no snow or ice.
We think our sunny Christmas here
Is a holiday paradise!
By Joanna Fuchs

​

 

[moreluck]

The Reign
​

Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals -- all kinds of animals -- and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes – all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with King James and this overcrowded and stinky situation, and they decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.

 

[moreluck]

Horse Riding........Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"