Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Part of the American dream is to live long and die young. Only those Americans who are willing to die for their country are fit to live.
- General Douglas MacArthur

Rules for kickin' ass
Rules for the Nonmilitary

Make sure you read #13

Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her. Of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is. Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.

'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'

'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

AND ONE MORE:

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.

ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your ass kicked!

I sent this to you, because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!

IN GOD WE TRUST

 

[moreluck]

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

[moreluck]

Out of the mouths of Babes.........


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After awhile he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


CLINTON (age5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.How will my wife fit in?'


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


And my favorite of them all---


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[moreluck]

New York ??

When teacher asked in what part of the world the most ignorant people were to be found, a small boy volunteered quickly, "In New York."

The teacher was amazed, and questioned the lad as to where he had obtained such information.

"Well," he replied, "the geography says that's where the population is most dense."

 

[trplnkl]

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn?t decide between the wood or the iron.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger has a better Driver.

We heard that Tiger?s wife has been interested in taking up golf. However, 2:30am does sound a bit of an odd time to start hitting your Woods.

Ping just offered Elin Nordegren an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are marketing them as "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger."

EA Sports has announced the recall of Tiger Woods 2010 so a new bonus level can be added called "Tiger VS The Driveway". A collector's edition will be sold with a free Wii steering wheel.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They're both clubbed by Scandinavians.

If you made it to work this morning, you have earned the right to say "I can out drive Tiger Woods."

Police: Did you hit your husband with the golf club.
Elin: Yes I hit him three or four times.
Police: Well which was it three or four?
Elin: Just put me down for three.

 

[Big Babooba]

Remember when Ronald Reagan was President? We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now, we have Obama, with no Hope and no Cash.

 

[moreluck]

Rules Of Holiday Dieting​

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
When you eat with someone else, your calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner

 

[moreluck]

Confusing Santa18 Ways To Confuse Santa.................

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

 

[moreluck]

Here are some theories on why we do those things we do and some of the problems:

1 – Blushing: Charles Darwin struggled to explain why evolution made us turn red when we lie, which alerts others. However, some think it may help diffuse confrontation or foster intimacy by revealing weakness.

2 – Laughter: mood-improving endorphins are released when we laugh, which seems an obvious reason to do it but a 10-year study muddied the waters when it found more laughter is produced by banal comments than jokes.

3 – Kissing: the explanation for kissing is unlikely to be genetic as not all human societies do it. There are theories that it is associated with memories of breastfeeding and that ancient humans weaned their children by feeding them from their mouths, which reinforced the link between sharing saliva and pleasure.

4 – Dreaming: Sigmund Freud's theory of dreams expressing our subconscious desires have been generally discredited and it is recognised that they help us process emotions, but the reason why we see such strange visions has not been properly explained.

5 – Superstition: unusual but reassuring habits make no evolutionary sense; however, ancient humans would have benefited from not dismissing a lion's rustle in the grass as a gust of wind. Religion seems to tap into this impulse.

6 – Picking your nose: the unappealing but common habit of ingesting `nasal detritus' offers almost no nutritional benefit, so why do a quarter of teenagers do it, on average four times a day? Some think it boosts the immune system.

7 – Adolescence: no other animal undergoes the stroppy, unpredictable teenage years. Some suggest it helps our large brain reorganise itself before adulthood or that it allows experimentation in behaviour before the responsibility of later years.

8 – Altruism: giving things away with no certain return is odd behaviour in evolutionary terms. It may help with group bonding or simply give pleasure.

9 – Art: painting, dance, sculpture and music could all be the human equivalent of a peacock's tail in showing what a good potential mate someone is. However, it could also be a tool for spreading knowledge or sharing experience.

10 – Body hair: fine hair on the body and thick hair on the genitals is the opposite of what occurs in primates, our close animal relatives. Suggested reasons for pubic hair include a role in radiating scent, providing warmth or even protecting from chafing.

 

[moreluck]

Dog's Letters to God​

Dear God,
When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

 

[moreluck]

Grandpa vs. Grandma



This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.
*
*Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is*?* **Well here it is:
*
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.


When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.



'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single , dumb bastard, or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
*Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?*

 

[moreluck]

Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson,

favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and

favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you

 

[moreluck]

SUBJECT: BLONDE PASSWORD

During a recent password audit at ourcompany, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[moreluck]

The Year's Best Headlines!!!

> Even if you've seen these before, they are still hilarious!!!
> What DO they teach in journalism courses these days?
> THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES

> Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
> You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

> Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
> No, really?

> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> Now that's taking things a bit far!

> Panda Mating Fails;
> Veterinarian Takes Over
> What a guy!

> Miners Refuse to Work
> after Death
> Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

> Juvenile Court to Try
> Shooting Defendant
> See if that works any better than a fair trial!

> War Dims Hope for Peace
> I can see where it might have that effect!

> If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
> Ya' think?!

> Cold Wave Linked to
> Temperatures
> Who would have thought!

> Enfield Couple Slain;
> Police Suspect Homicide
> They may be on to something!

> Man Struck By Lightning:
> Faces Battery Charge
> He probably IS the battery charge!

> New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
> Weren't they fat enough?!

> Astronaut Takes Blame for
> Gas in Spacecraft
> That's what he gets for eating those beans!

> Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
> Do they taste like chicken?

> Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
> Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

> Hospitals are Sued by
> 7 Foot Doctors
> Boy, are they tall!

> And the winner is....

> Typhoon Rips Through
> Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
> Did I read that right?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff

> meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one
> pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
> benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
> meeting was to have a quick contest.
>
>
> The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
>
> The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
> for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra.
> Slight variations were acceptable.
>
> About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
> Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
> week
> went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
>
> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>
> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
>
> 8. Viagra, like a rock!
>
> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
>
> 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>
> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>
> 4. Viagra , Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>
> 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
>
> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>
> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>
> 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

 

[moreluck]

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

 

[moreluck]

Achieving Inner Peace...




I am passing this on to you because it
definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm
in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical
TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve
inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd
started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of
vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic
and Valum priscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a bax a
shocolets.

Yu haf no idr who dam gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

 

[moreluck]

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :​

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma​

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop​

JOB DESCRIPTION :​

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,​

permanent work in an​

often chaotic environment.​

Candidates must possess excellent communication​

and organizational skills and be willing to work​

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends​

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.​

Some overnight travel required, including trips to​

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!​

Travel expenses not reimbursed.​

Extensive courier duties also required.​

RESPONSIBILITIES :​

The rest of your life.​

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,​

until someone needs £20/R50.​

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.​

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule​

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat​

in case, this time, the screams from​

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.​

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,​

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.​

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and​

co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.​

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings​

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.​

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.​

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a​

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.​

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.​

Must assume final, complete accountability for​

the quality of the end product.​

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and​

janitorial work throughout the facility.​

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :​

None.​

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,​

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you​

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :​

None required unfortunately.​

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.​

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :​

Get this! You pay them!​

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.​

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because​

of the assumption that college will help them​

become financially independent.​

When you die, you give them whatever is left.​

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that​

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.​

BENEFITS :​

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,​

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and​

no stock options are offered;​

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,​

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.​

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,​

letting them know they are appreciated​

for the fabulous job they do​

or forward with love.​

 

[moreluck]

Two Minnesotans are sitting in a boat and so Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off 'der boats?"

To which Sven replies,"Well, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in 'der flippin' boat!"


There you have it.

 

[moreluck]

Repaint
​

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn, among the gravestones, amid puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice:

"REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"​