Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Just Thoughts......

. . . Vegetarians:
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".

. . . Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

. .

. . . morning differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerves.

. . . "cripes":
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes.' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus
Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

. . . Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

. . . answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love."
BEEP
"Uh, yeah. This is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

 

[moreluck]

It's winter in Nebraska
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Nebraska
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Nebraska
I'm frozen to the ground!

Have a great day...

 

[moreluck]

SHORT ONES ......

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks.

 

[moreluck]

Attributed to Andy Rooney...

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
'What
are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40
doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She
does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women
over
40 are dignified. They seld om have a screaming match with you at the opera
or
in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older
women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like
to
be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess
your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman
over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are
forthright and honest. They'll tel l you right off if you are a jerk if you
are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's
not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all tho se men who say,
'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for
you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize
it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

 

[moreluck]

This is funny!! & Real!!!
Subject: call



Call the Nestle Crunch Hot line at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise!

Keep going and press 4 listen to the options...then press 7. ENjoy!!

 

[moreluck]

What is life about?

1 At one, YOU are the top priority

10 At ten, academic excellence is the top priority

20 At twenty, getting laid is the top priority

30 At thirty, a good career is top priority

40 At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority

50 At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority

60 At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority

70 At seventy, remembering something is top priority

80 At eighty, moving around is top priority

90 At ninety, knowing directions is top priority

100 At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

 

[moreluck]

Santa's True Profession.....

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers
to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits
with the work.
4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

 

[moreluck]

Aging .......

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

 

[Big Babooba]

Two
Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker
were in Mexico arguing about
which country had the toughest trees. The
Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and
promptly pecked a hole in
the tree with no problem. The Mexican
woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the
Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeccable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers ). The Mexican
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do
it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican
woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost
without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly
confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the
Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was
able to peck the Canadian
tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to
the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said,
your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[Big Babooba]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house.'

 

[moreluck]

Grandparents.....




1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably neverput lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9.. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers........

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

"I is a college student."

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

 

[moreluck]

Why sports are better than sex:

1. People watch and cheer when you score.
2. If you don’t like your team you can wait until your contract ends and then play with someone else.
3. You can count on it all season.
4. You can watch it going on in your local bar.
5. It lasts over an hour and might even go into over time.
6. You can have a coach on the sidelines while you are doing it.
7. Action replays.
8. Protective equipment can be washed and re-used

 

[moreluck]

Sex On Mars


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

​

​

 

[moreluck]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever..

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

Holy Crap , my dog is a democrat!

 

[moreluck]

OT: in case anyone was missing me, my computer has crashed.....damn! I am checking the posts on BC with hubby's laptop, but all my ammo. is on my computer, so nothing to post.

A neighbor (computer guy) is coming over this afternoon to check it out. We scheduled a Geek Squad appt., but they weren't available 'til Friday.

Just thought I'd let you all know. TTYL !

 

[moreluck]

Hi All,

So, my old computer has apparently bit the dust. I now have a new computer which I absolutely hate. I don't like change. I don't adapt well to change. Change screws up my life. Oh, and did I mention I hate change ???

Everything on it is different. My address book looks different. My way of sending e-mails is different. Even as I am typing this, there are sound effects like real typing and when I backspace over a mistake to re-type something, there's a little roadside bomb that goes off with a puff of smoke on the screen....W.T.friend. !!!

Hubby said he had saved all the addresses in my old address book.......however, they were years old and most folks have changed since then.

Right now I've lost a whole lot of my computer enthusiasm. My books are starting to look pretty good to me.

For just an example, "My Favorites" was a list of over 100 sites where I got a lot of my "ammo" ie: jokes, quotes, pictures..etc. I always had it in the order that the different sites were added. I knew where everything was, but not necessarily what the site was titled. Now, this fancy ass computer has put them all in alphabetical order and has totally messed me up. Why can't I just get back the format I had before and was totally satisfied with. I hate this mother machine ...............

TTYL
Me

 

[moreluck]

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven..>> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked> 'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

 

[moreluck]

A WINNER'S BLUEPRINT FOR ACHIEVEMENT (William A. Ward)

BELIEVE while others are doubting.

PLAN while others are playing.

STUDY while others are sleeping.

DECIDE while others are delaying.

PREPARE while others are daydreaming.

BEGIN while others are procrastinating.

WORK while others are wishing.

SAVE while others are wasting.

LISTEN while others are talking.

SMILE while others are frowning.

COMMEND while others are criticizing.

PERSIST while others are quitting

 

[moreluck]

Where Are You From​

Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"