Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Obvious
​

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

[moreluck]

Who's Counting

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."


"Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up.'"

 

[moreluck]

INTERNET WARNING: If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi" DON'T OPEN IT. It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.


Do you know why the Blonde Dog had bumps on her head?
...chasing parked cars..

 

[moreluck]

Excuses for Not Coming to Work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

 

[moreluck]

Porn Channel.....

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:



"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."



"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

[moreluck]

A new priest came to this small bayou town. His first Sunday, he stood and preached against the use of the Pill. Jacques Ribot a member of the parish, yelled at him, "Padre, if you don't play the game, don't make the rules!"

 

[moreluck]

GOD CREATED WOMAN...

God created woman from the side of man.

Not from his head to be above him,

nor from his feet to be trampled by him.

From his side to be equal to him,

from under his arm to be protected by him,

from near his heart to be loved by him.

 

[moreluck]

Safety at Work......
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Adopted


Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"

"They sure are," I said with pride.

"They adopted?"

"Yes" I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. " I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

 

[moreluck]

Why are politicians
proof of reincarnation?

You just can't get that screwed up
in one lifetime.

 

[moreluck]

An old, busted up blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you Still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[moreluck]

test......


A Catholic wanted to convert to Judaism. After studying the faith for six months, he was ready to convert but his local rabbi informed him: "Before you can become a fully-fledged Jew, you have to pass a test. I conduct the test and my fee for doing so is $3,000."

"Three thousand dollars! That's a lot of money just for a test. How about $300?"

"Congratulations!" said the rabbi, "You've passed!"

 

[moreluck]

Memory.....


When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story.

After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time."

They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?"

"Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

 

[moreluck]

Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.

"Nah" says the second guy. "Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there and the president wouldn't take the call."

"You're both wrong," says the third, "Fame is when you're in the Oval Office and the red phone rings, the president answers it, listens for a second, and then says, "It's for you."

 

[moreluck]

Grocery shopping.....

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and get the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

Needless to say, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[moreluck]

Boy playing.........

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. “Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father. “No,” says the boy. “Are you resisting arrest?” he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, “No, but I’m not sleepy at all.”

 

[moreluck]

Confession......

A man in church enters the confessional and is pleasantly surprised to see a fully stocked bar with Guinness on tap. On another wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars and a high-definition TV set.

"Forgive me, Father," he says, "It's been a long time since I've been to confession. But I must say, the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Wait a minute! You're on my side!"

 

[moreluck]

Live Each Day........
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain'. And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy..
Now ... go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to ... not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to anyone you consider a FRIEND.
To those I have sent this to ... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do. We have some history together.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for...

but while we are here we might as well dance!'

 

[moreluck]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked..
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.


As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and


he opened his trench coat and flashed her..
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store


but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[moreluck]

Great Mystery....

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."