Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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Sports Commentary...
************************

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
New Zealand Rugby commentator)

"This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his
captain off!"(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager
Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier
with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball " (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times
are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio)

" and later we will have action from the men's coxless pairs..." (Sue
Barker)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in
football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them........... - Oh my God, what have I just said?" (US TV commentator)

 

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RANDOM THOUGHTS..................

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the
fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but Id bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com<http://CNN.com> and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

 

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Arizona....

The Devil wanted a place on earth -
Sort of a summer home.
A place to spend his vacation,
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona;
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking,
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.


He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall.
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear -
The climate suited them well.

Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he took the rattlesnake
With its forked poisonous tongue;
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.

Then he took Scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still!
Until even the cactus wilted,
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would.
He chuckled a little up his sleeve,
And admitted that it was good.

'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his weary brow,
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted.
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back to where I came from -
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"

(Author Unknown)

 

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'



'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...

 

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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out

of his car.



You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny?



Yeah well, I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!'



So, I looked down at him and said, "Which one are you?"

 

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Born a Baptist


Each Friday night after work, Bubba
would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled
venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and
suggested that he become a Catholic. After several
classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
"You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but
now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,
until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma
of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the
neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard,
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small
bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled
over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
catfish.

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO INSTALL A SELF-MADE HOME SECURITY SYSTEM







1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I dun locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter

 

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Children....

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass . As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

 

[moreluck]

I went down this morning to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the
lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak
English and has no clue who his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy
book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check
Friday.

Is this is a great country or what!

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck.......

* Your relative buys a new home and you have to help take the wheels
Off of it.

* Your family tree doesn't fork.

* You prefer car keys to q-tips.

* You think the 4 seasons are onion, pepper, salt & ketchup.

* Starting your car means popping the hood.

* You think a hot tub is a stolen bath fixture.

* Your answering machine message ends in a burp.

 

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Women's Bumper Stickers.......

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,
SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

 

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Kids


My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears...one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Jason?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

Jason's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

 

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A blonde texts her b/friend saying "what does IDK stand for", He texts back "i don't know" She replies "OMG nobody does!"

 

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Power of Prayer ??

In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.


The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

 

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One Flaw In Women . . . . . .

Women have strengths that amaze men....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

But they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

And laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

When they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

And cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

A birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

Yet they are strong when they

Think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

Can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

To show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

Makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

Family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

And everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,


IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

 

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Senior's Bath Tub Test....

During a visit to the seniors' home, I asked the director
how do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask


him or her to empty the bathtub."





"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[moreluck]

Spelling Lesson......

The last 4 letters in American is ............ I can
The last 4 letters in Republican is.......... I can
The last 4 letters in Democrats is.......... RATS !!

Makes sense to me.

 

[moreluck]

Bear Hunting in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.

The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?"

 

[moreluck]

GOD’S ACCURACY

For example :
-the eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
-those of the canary in 14 days;
-those of the barnyard hen in 21 days ;
-The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
-those of the mallard in 35 days ;
-The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.
(Notice, they are all divisible by seven , the number of days in a week!)

The lives of each of you may be ordered by the Lord in a beautiful way for His glory, if you will only entrust Him with your life. If you try to regulate your own life, it will only be a mess and a failure. Only the One Who made the brain and the heart can
successfully guide them to a profitable end.

God's wisdom is seen in the making of an elephant.. The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.

The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first. A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first. How wise the Lord is in all His works of creation!

God's wisdom is revealed in His arrangement of sections and segments, as well as in the number of grains.

-Each watermelon has an even number of strips on the rind.
-Each orange has an even number of segments.
-Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
-Each stalk of wheat has an even
number of grains.
-Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.

-The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather.

All grains are found in even numbers on the stalks, and the Lord specified thirty fold, sixty fold, and a hundredfold - all even numbers.

God has caused the flowers to blossom at certain specified times during the day, so that Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

Thus the Lord in His wonderful grace can arrange the life that is entrusted to His care in such a way that it will carry out His purposes and plans, and will be
fragrant with His presence.

Only the God-planned safe life is successful. Only the life given over to the care of the Lord is fulfilled.


I HOPE YOU FIND THIS AS FASCINATING AS I DID.....WOW!!!!

 

[moreluck]

A visit from the IRS.......

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."