Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THINK BIG (Walter D. Wintle)

If you think you are beaten, you are.

If you think you dare not, you won’t.

If you like to win, but don’t think you can,

It’s almost a cinch that you won’t.


If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost,

For out in the world you’ll find

Success begins with a person’s will;

It’s all in the state of mind.


For many a game is lost

Before even a step is run

And many a coward fails

Before his work is begun.


Think big and your deed will grow;

Think small and you will fall behind.

Think that you can and you will;

It’s all in the state of mind.


If you think that you are out-classed, you are;

You’ve got to think high to rise.

You’ve got to be sure of yourself

Before you can win the prize.


Life’s battles don't always go

To the strongest or fastest man

But sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks she can.

 

[moreluck]

Actual ads from the Lonely Hearts pages of ' Ireland 's Own'

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous séx addict interested
in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football
Club and has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three
o'clock in the morning.
> ------------------------------
Donegal man, 50, in desperate need of a ríde. Anything considered.
> ------------------------------
Grossly overweight Louth turf-cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks
nimble séx-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming pássion. Must have
own car and be willing to travel.
> -------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi
for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
> --------------------------
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy
journey. Strong stomach essential.
> --------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and
shítty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail
purposes, maybe more.
> -------- ------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bástard, living in a damp cottage
in the arsé end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde
lady with a lovely chest.
> ------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
super model, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin
sister.
> --------------------------
Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks
replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name
Minnie.
Thurles area.
> --------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime
fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists
in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bítches

 

[moreluck]

Wiper.....



Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right... the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that...you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

 

[moreluck]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ​

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.​

(Do they look different reversed?) ​

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.​

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. ​

(Let's just think for a minute; is there​

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​

​

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. ​

​

​

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.​

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. ​

(But of course!)
*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.​

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.​

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

In Mary land , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.' ​

(Is this a great country or what?​

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​

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Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ​

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.​

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.​

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​

(From drinking little bottles of?)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

Butterflies taste with their feet.​

(Ah, geez.)​

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.​

(I know some​

​

peoplelike that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

Starfish don't have brains.​

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

And, the best for last?​

Turtles can breathe through their butts. ​

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)​

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Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !​

 

[moreluck]

No Worries......

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

[moreluck]

Rules of Chocolate..........

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate-covered raisins cherries orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How do you get two bars of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car? Solution: Eat them in the parking lot.

Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issuestore your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to escape.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

 

[moreluck]

New Priest in the Rectory.......

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working." "Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you've been the housekeeper here five years, and I've only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?" Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "There's a mouse in our room and it's under our bed!"

 

[moreluck]

Children's Books That Didn't Make the Cut

*You Are Different and That's Bad

*Dad's New Wife Robert

*Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

*Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

*The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

*Some Kittens Can Fly

*The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

*The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

*Strangers Have the Best Candy

 

[moreluck]

Aviation Humor.........

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A good Mom .... Lets you lick the beaters.

A great Mom .... Turns the mixer off first.

 

[moreluck]

Nuclear plant accident...........


Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the nuclear energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that the are all dying and none is likely to survive the night Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.

"What would you like Pierre?"

Pierre replies, "I would like to meet the President and be awarded the Legion of Honor for my contribution to new energy sources." "What would you like John?"

John replies, "I would like to meet the Queen and be knighted for my services to the company."

"And what would you like, Moshe" Moshe replies, "I would like a second opinion."

 

[moreluck]

A Story​

Now, sit right back, and hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port, aboard a tiny ship. They were four men, who lived together, but they were all alone.
They'd sing, "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill, took a whole lot of trying', just to get up that hill."
She was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls. They got tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, and up and down the dial.
'Til the one day when the lady met this fellow. And they knew it was much more than a hunch. He said, "Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot."
The guys promised they were good old boys. Never meaning no harm. They were creepy and kooky. Mysterious and kooky. All together ooky.
The gals responded, "People say we monkey around. But we're too busy singing to try to put anybody down."
The skipper, brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. They all sang, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated."
The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. Land spreading out so far and wide. The lady said, "Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside."
Once on land, the lady said, "I've been down this road, walking down the line that's painted by pride." This fellow said, "This is it. This is it. This is life, the one you got, so go and have a ball." He told her, "Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?"
Time passed. Then, one day, as he was shooting at some food, up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea.
They were rescued. The rescue ship captain said, "Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back. To that same old place that you laughed about."
Y'all come back now, y'hear?

 

[moreluck]

SHORT ONES . . . . . . . .

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks.

 

[moreluck]

My five year old ran into some difficulty while trying to put on his full-body pajamas. "Jesus" I overheard him say, "will you help me get these pajama legs on?" A few silent seconds later he repeated more loudly, "Jesus, I said will you help me get these pajama legs on?"

After another brief silence, he said, "That's it! I'm telling your father!"

 

[moreluck]

Old Priest..........

In Washington an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
Faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.. He motioned for his
Nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die",
Whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The House and Senate waited for a
Response.

Soon the word arrived; Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to
Visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Reid commented to Pelosi,

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
Help our images and might even get me re-elected."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Reid's hand in
His right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy Pelosi spoke.

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to
Be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
After Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Reid.
"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
Like to do the same."

 

[moreluck]

Strange Puns - (Groaners!)

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Patient: "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

[moreluck]

Driving Award

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[moreluck]

Country Preacher.....

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey..

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

 

[moreluck]

CAPRICORN ~ The Go-Getter (Dec. 22 - Jan 19 ) - Patient and wise.. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorn's tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Likes competition, gets what they want. 20 years of good luck if you forward.
AQUARIUS ~ The Sweetheart ( Jan 20 - Feb 18 ) - Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of luck if you forward
PISCES ~ The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20 ) - Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Does not like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of good luck if you forward.
ARIES ~ The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19 ) - Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse, easily angered. Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Loses interest quickly - easily bored.. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of good luck if you forward.
TAURUS ~ The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20 ) - Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted.Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Patient and reliable. Makes great friends and gives good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Expresses themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulges themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of good luck if you forward.
GEMINI ~ The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20 ) - Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty Lively, energetic... Adaptable, but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken.. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of goog luck if you forward.
CANCER ~ The Protector (June 21 - July 22 ) - Moody, emotional. May be shy.Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome.. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of good luck if you forward.
LEO ~ The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22 ) - Very organized. Needs order in their lives - likes being in control. Likes boundaries. Tends to take over everything Bossy... Likes to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves.Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of good luck if you forward.
VIRGO ~ The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22 ) - Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos.. Eager, hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of good luck if you forward.
LIBRA ~ The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22 ) - Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Has own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social.. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful.. Flirtatious. Gives in too easily. Procrastinators.Very gullible. 9 years of good luck if you forward.
SCORPIO ~ The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21 ) - Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and emotional. 4 years of good luck if you forward.
SAGITTARIUS ~ The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21 ) - Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Has lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules.. Sometimes hypocritical.. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out . 6 years of good luck if you forward.