Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Olympic Condoms....

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[moreluck]

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ​
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? ​
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? ​
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? ​

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? ​
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? ​
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? ​
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?​

 

[moreluck]

How is Norma?

Thought this was a good idea!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse..

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh,I have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is
fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

 

[moreluck]

URINE OR YOU'RE OUT !!
>
>
>
> THE JOB - URINE TEST
>
>
>
>
>
> Like most folks in
> this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay
> my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees
> fit. In order to get that paycheck in my case, I am required
> to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
> What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my
> taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. So,
> here is my Question: Shouldn't one have to pass a
> urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one
> to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem
> with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the
> other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on
> their ass - doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine
> how much money each state would save if people had to pass a
> urine test to get a public assistance check? I guess we
> could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.
> Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you
> don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though.
> Some thing has to change in this country -- and
> soon!!!!!!!

 

[moreluck]

The Zen of Sarcasm


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.



2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.



3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.



4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.



5.. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.



6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missin

g a couple of car payments.




8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.



10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.



12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.



14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.



16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.



18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.



22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[moreluck]

Catholic Last Rites.....

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic
Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some
comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-4 ... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72

 

[moreluck]

A Truck ran a red light, almost side swiping our car. As my husband veered away, he threw his arm across me, protecting me from a possible collision. I was ready to plant a big kiss on my hero's cheek when he apologized. In his haste, he admitted, he had forgotten it was me in the front seat and not our Golden Retriver, Champ.

 

[moreluck]

Thought for the day:

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...
We’re flexible like that ....

 

[moreluck]

Grandma.....

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and
started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you
forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never
put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye....

 

[moreluck]

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

 

[moreluck]

You know you're Italian when . . . .

...You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still sweat when your mother yells at you.
...You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
...Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
...You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
...All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
...You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners
...You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
...If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
...There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
...You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . .. .

...Your grandfather had a fig tree.
...You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
...Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
...Your mom's meatballs are the best.
...You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
...Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
...You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella. "
...You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
...You've called someone a "mamaluke."
...And you understand "bada bing".

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Redneck If.............

Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

You've worn boxer shorts as an outer garment.

Your underwear is older than your wife.

Your best jacket advertises farm machinery.

You consider your softball uniform "dressy casual".

Your Arizona State T-shirt is from the penitentiary, not the university.

 

[moreluck]

Grandparents....


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"




After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to
wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

 

[moreluck]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC......

(If you do not laugh out loud on this one, your "laugher" is broken!)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was
burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local
technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results
came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,

saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put
the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've
never seen done in my entire career".

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why does New York have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

 

[moreluck]

Annoying passenger






Here's what to do on a
> > flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to
> > you.
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. Remove your laptop from the
> > briefcase;
> >
> > 2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:
> >
> > 3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;
> >
> > 4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;
> >
> > 5. Access the Internet;
> >
> > 6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look
> > up to heaven:
> >
> > 7. Take a deep breath and open the site:
> >
> > http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
> >
> > 8. Observe the facial expression of the
> > passenger seating next to you.
> >
> >
.

 

[moreluck]

An excerpt from a real church bulletin...

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday".

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day to sleep in". We will have steel helmets for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say "The Priest talks too softly", and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly. Score cards for those who wish to list hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to Church and cook dinner also. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to see God in Nature. Finally the Sancuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsettias and Easter Lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

 

[moreluck]

WEATHER

Whether the weather be fine,

Or whether the weather be not,

Whether the weather be cold,

Or whether the weather be hot,

We'll weather the weather

Whatever the weather

Whether we like it or not.

 

[moreluck]

Penguin Burials..........

Did you ever wonder why no one has ever found a dead penguin on the ice in Antarctica? What happens to them? Certainly, sometimes they must expire on land, yet we never see them!

Well, wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which, given its environment and surroundings, lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is also very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as having a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout the youngster's life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle will dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and pecking with their beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and then buried using the ice to cover the bird.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

 

[moreluck]

Grandparents.....

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to
know you sooner!"




My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.