Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine, which I quote:



"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during
the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths,
that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.



The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which has one of the strictest gun control laws in the US than you are in Iraq .



Conclusion: The US should pull out of Washington D.C.

 

[moreluck]

The Haircut......

> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
> cut, he asked about his
> bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money
> from you, I'm doing
> community service this week."
>
> The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went
> to open his shop the
> next morning, there was a "thank you" card and
> a dozen roses waiting
>
> for him at his door.
>
> Later,
> a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
> bill, the barber
> again replied, "I cannot accept money from you,
> I'm doing community service this
> week."
>
> The cop was happy and
> left the shop. The next morning when the barber went
> to open up, there was
> a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for
> him at his door.
>
> Then a
> Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
> his bill, the barber
> again replied, "I can not accept money from you,
> I'm doing community service
> this week."
>
> The
> Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
> The next morning,
> when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
> Congressmen lined up waiting
> for a free haircut.
>
> And that, my friend, illustrates the
> fundamental
> difference between the citizens of our country and the
> politicians who run it.
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Children Writing About the Ocean...
1) - Here is my picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.
She’s not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.
My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.
They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown, I don’t know...
(Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

 

[moreluck]

Biology Class - Final Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

 

[moreluck]

Top Stories For The Year 2035.....

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar
Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

 

[moreluck]

CAT PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.

I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.

I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

 

[moreluck]

Sunday School.....

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night", a Sunday School Class was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.

The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

 

[moreluck]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0 b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?</B>

 

[moreluck]

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid
Remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine

Was attending some college courses between
Assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed
Atheist and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.. He
Looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I
Want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you exactly 15 min.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
Went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
Waiting.'


It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
Out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him right in the
Face;
Knocking him off his platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine
Went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were
Shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor
Eventually came to, noticeably shaken and angry, looked at the Marine and
Asked,
'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine
Calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers
Who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an idiot.
So, He sent me.'
>

 

[moreluck]

Ravioli.....

A young boy spent a weekend at nature camp. When his mother went to pick him up, he told her camp was okay, but that they play tricks on you. Asked to explain, he said, "Well, like when they make you get up every morning for ravioli, and yet they never give you any."

 

[moreluck]

Revival

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,

"Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

 

[moreluck]

: THE CHALLENGED SENIOR

When I think "I can relate to some of these things....What about my poor wife??????????????


I thought about the 36 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music,

took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses,

13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.

I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,

Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterrific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends

every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the

bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this.

I now keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost

every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.

I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the red Blue tooth phone thing

I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at

Barnes and Noble talking to my wife. Everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me.

Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most

annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.. Every 10 minutes, she would

sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer.

It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then

tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.

Then when I would make a right turn instead, things got . . well .. . . it was not good..

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets

and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.

We've had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how my wife can lose three phones

all at once and I have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the

dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time

I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them..

When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I'm bi-sacksual."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

 

[moreluck]

When Love Fades...



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchenn.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

 

[moreluck]

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwing with you.
She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

 

[moreluck]

Stuttering ProblemA man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
Problem of stuttering.

Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
Removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
Worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

 

[moreluck]

Personal Guide.....



A personal guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their wife or girlfriend.

I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

Isn't that the actress from the movie 'Shaolin Soccer'? (Chances are she hadn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.)

I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.

Help me, I got something in my eye...can't see a thing!

I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but it's gone now, thank you very much!

Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a maroon.

I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here...maybe it will camouflage your drool).

I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her...since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).

Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine.)

 

[moreluck]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS THAT DON'T QUITE GIVE THE INTENDED MESSAGE.........





On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant …"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant … "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store … "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home … "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

Outside a country shop in West Virginia … "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store … "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago … "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant … "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company …"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store … "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston … "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon …"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway … "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut … "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building … "Mental Health Prevention Center"

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER........



At a number of US military bases … "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward … "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash … "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store … "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor … "Ask about our layaway plan."