Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "hey we have a drink named
after you!" grasshopper says, "you have a drink named Klein?!"

 

[moreluck]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'


While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air... 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '

========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay.. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean... It's the same in my business.'

========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

 

[moreluck]

Girlfriends​

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[moreluck]

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not a afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.. At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

 

[moreluck]

> Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
> A: In France , where tennis first became popular,
> a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like
> an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French
> for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the
> US, Americans pronounced it "love."
>
> Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come
> from?
> A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to
> France as a young girl (for education &
> survival), Louis, King of France, learned that
> she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the
> first golf course outside of Scotland built for
> her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly
> chaperoned (and guarded) while she played,
> Louis hired cadets from a military school to
> accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when
> she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea
> in the long run), she took the practice with her.
> In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day'
> and the Scots changed it into "caddie."
>
> So now YOU know too!!

 

[moreluck]

few thoughts from Jack Handy



------- Jack Handy

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know!" It costs 90 cents to call up and vote, and they're voting "I don't know!" You might hear a couple talking, one of the two saying, "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Saying Into phone) "I don't know!" (hangs up, looking very proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95: (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I bought a beach towel.


Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

 

[moreluck]

-You might be a redneck if your sister is also your aunt.

-You might be a redneck if your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

-You might be a redneck if your sister/brother is also your cousin

-You might be a redneck if your spare tire is a cement block.

-You might be a redneck if your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.

-You might be a redneck if your toothbrush is a hand-me-down

-You might be a redneck if your wardrobe consists of nothing but cammo and flannel.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't get their heads in the jar.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why was the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was throwing all the W's away.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

 

[moreluck]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

[moreluck]

. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

1. .My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -> and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm
running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

 

[moreluck]

One Missing Girl...

George came home one day, very excited.
"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her

 

[moreluck]

What Love means.....



'When

my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore.
So my
grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got
arthritis

too. That's love..'

Rebecca-

age 8



'When

someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You

just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy -

age 4




'Love

is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
they go out

and smell each other.'

Karl -

age 5





'Love

is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without

making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy

- age 6





'Love

is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri -

age 4




'Love

is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
giving it to

him, to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny -

age 7



'Love

is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still

want to be together and you talk more.
My

Mommy and Daddy are like that.. They look gross when they kiss'

Emily -

age 8




'Love

is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and

listen.'

Bobby -

age 7 (Wow!)




'If you

want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
you hate,'



Nikka -

age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)





'Love

is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday.'



Noelle

- age 7





'Love

is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after

they know each other so well.'

Tommy -

age 6




'During

my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at
all the

people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was

the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy

- age 8



'My

mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me
to sleep at night..'

Clare -

age 6






'Love

is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5




'Love

is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
Handsomer than Robert Redford.'

Chris - age 7





'Love

is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day.'

MaryAnn - age 4





'I know

my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren

- age 4




'When

you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7




'Love

is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
gross.'



Mark - age 6




'You

really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8


And the

final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
Elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy
said,

'Nothing,

I just helped him cry'

________________________________

 

[moreluck]

How is Norma?

Thought this was a good idea!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse..

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh,I have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is
fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me *****.'

 

[moreluck]

WHEN YOU ARE OLDER"..............

You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

She's getting crow’s feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!

Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

I don't like to do things now I did 20 years ago, like looking in the mirror.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

 

[moreluck]

Subj: Texas vs. California



Governor of state jogging with his dog along a trail. Coyote jumps out and starts to attack the dog.


California :
#1. Governor starts to intervene and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is doing what is natural.


#2. Call animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 relocating it.


#3. Veterinarian collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.


#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting bite wound bandaged.


#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.


#6. Governor spends $50,000 and starts a coyote awareness program for people who live in the area.



#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate it.


#8. Governor’s security agent fired for not stopping the
attack and letting the Governor try to intervene.


#9. Cost $75,000 to train new security agent.


#10. PETA protest the relocation of the coyote.

Texas :
#1. Governor spends $.53 on a .380 ACP Gold Dot Hollow Point, shoots coyote and he and the dog keep jogging.

And we wonder why California is Broke?

 

[moreluck]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat, a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

Siamese Twins


Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.

 

[moreluck]

Big Sister: What did you learn in school today?

Little Brother: Algebra.

Big Sister: Say something in algebra.

Little Brother: Pi r squared.

Big Sister: No, no! Pie are round, cornbread are square!

 

[moreluck]

Observations on Growing Older...............

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~You forget names ... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married ... Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... Were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You now use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

 

[moreluck]

A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas."

"No" said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"