Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Top 16 Indications a Referee Is Crooked


His jersey sports more logos than Jeff Gordon's car.

For the fifth straight season, you lost your online fantasy football league Super Bowl by 50+ points to "BadZebra0013."

You catch him injecting Barry Bonds's blood into his whistle hand.

"Holding! Five-yard penalty. Unless you boys want to make me a better offer."

"Is it just me, or does the new time keeper look an awful lot like Flava Flav?"

You weren't thrilled with his calls before, but they're even worse since he broke both kneecaps in a gardening accident.

When Kobe scores 45 in the first half, he gets ejected for "showing off."

Steps in to give Ronaldinho a mulligan on that missed penalty kick.

To start the bottom of the 9th, he invokes the "Running the Bases Backwards While Doing Somersaults" rule.

His entourage is bigger than Carmello's and Iverson's combined.

Immediately after the coin toss, he barks, "Nope! Best two out of three!"

Before the first preseason game, he congratulates the Oakland Raiders on their 2008 Super Bowl victory.

Your team's best player fouls out during pregame layup drills.

That's two minutes for letting yourself be slashed, and another five for bleeding on the ice.

Your game-winning touchdown is called back and you're assessed a 75-yard penalty for "illegal use of the buttocks."
Pours ketchup on the ears of Mike Tyson's opponent.

 

[moreluck]

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms.





1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.



7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.



8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.



10. So much about that night is a blur.. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[moreluck]

Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf.

Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.

 

[moreluck]

Signs....


The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A...........

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

 

[moreluck]

One dad I know uses what I call Post-It Note Therapy on his children. He leaves sticky Post-It Notes everywhere...in their lunch boxes, inside their shoes and on top of their sandwiches before he wraps them up. He once went into his daughter's room, looking for his hammer, and on the back of her bedroom door was every Post-It Note he'd ever given her over 250 in all with simple messages like "Great job," "I love you," or "You're special to me." Do you think that girl knew, without a doubt, that her dad valued her and loved her?

 

[moreluck]

Answers............


These actual student answers illustrate why teachers need summers off.

Teacher: What is an evangelist?

Student: Someone who plays the evangelo.

Teacher: Why can't freshwater fish live in salt water?

Student: The salt would give them high blood pressure.

Teacher: Mira went to the library at 5:15 and left at 6:45. How long was Mira at the library?

Student: Not long.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?​

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.​

 

[moreluck]

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - Ifriend you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5.Law of the Alibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.Variation Law- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - Ifriend there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and Ipassed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years & twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.​

And, my favorite is: LOL
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . .. she's there.'​

 

[moreluck]

SNOW.....

When March goes on forever,

And April's twice as long,

Who gives a damn if spring has come,

As long as winter's gone.

 

[moreluck]

Experience..........

Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post.

Experience is knowledge acquired too late.

Some people learn from their experiences, some people never recover from them.

Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone.

An optimist is someone without much experience.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is knowing a lot of things that you shouldn't do.

Some people speak from experience. Some people, from experience, don't speak.

Experience is a good school, but you never get a vacation.

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience.

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it the second time.

The school of experience will let you repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time.

Experience is something you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.

 

[moreluck]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity​

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.


Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 W eeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, switch to Espresso.






In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write 'For Marijuana'

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......




PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.





It's Called
... THERAPY

 

[Big Babooba]

Re: Heard any good ones?

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.

 

[moreluck]

OMG !! I'm like Canada !!! Shoot me now !

 

[cachsux]

After a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento." When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[dilligaf]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? .

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[moreluck]

He Said To Me!


He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?




He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing butfart






He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!






He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time






He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.






He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.






He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.






He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[moreluck]

THE OLD MAN!
As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my
cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood
of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open.


The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away
in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about
twenty five feet away..
I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in
his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him
coming too and took a few steps towards him.


I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something.
The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new
Cadillac Escalade and then turn back to the old man and I heard him
yell at the old gentleman saying,


'You shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car at your age.' And
then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber
out of the parking lot.
I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his
brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine.
He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to
tell her it would be okay.. I had seen enough and I approached the old man.
He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him I said,
'Looks like you're having a problem.'
He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head. I looked
under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it
was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and
told the old man that I would be right back... I drove to the
station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I
approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with
his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.
The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree
and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he
straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics
diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old
gentleman. When I shook hands with him earlier, he had noticed my Marine
Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been
a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, 'What outfit
did you serve with?'
He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division
at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal ..


He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after
the war was over. As we talked we heard the car engine come on and
saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old
man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I
would just put the bill on my AAA card.
He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I
assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my
pocket.. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye's to his wife.
I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up
to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their
own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I
wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me
One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly
like the card the old man had given to me. Both of the men told me
then,that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook
hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I
should look at the card the old man had given to me. I said I would and drove off.
For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over
and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long time.
The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name..........
'Congressional Medal of Honor Society.'
I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over
and over. I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but
myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come
together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all
right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage
and an honor to have been in his presence. Remember, OLD men like
him gave you FREEDOM for America ..
Thanks to those
who served....& those who supported them.

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is
at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel
free to stand in front of them!

 

[moreluck]

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

 

[moreluck]

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,'Good Lord, it's morning.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'


While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

 

[moreluck]

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.