Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

David McClure from the “ Dallas News Community Opinion page”.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that
used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I
started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with
the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,
"It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood
there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with
Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter
disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind
hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition,
but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still
nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview
mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror !

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut
on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in
the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail
polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" but all I
could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was
ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight
home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad
came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a
drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by
mistake !" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly
apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK ! My grandfather does
stuff like this all the time!"

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius … And no, I told the officer, I'm not
too old to be driving this fast!

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in
my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky..

The good news was I had successfully found my way home!

 

[moreluck]

Al Qaeda on Strike





BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins that they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.





The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.





The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".





Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlandsin, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”


Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.





According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings is partly attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

 

[moreluck]

Resume Tips

What not to put on your resume...

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

[moreluck]

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's
very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

 

[moreluck]

Mr Johnson posted a sign in the classroom stating, "Because of a conference, Mr. Johnson will not teach his classes tomorrow." One of his smart-alecky pupils erased the "c" in classes. Up to such student shenanigans, Mr. Johnson erased the "l."

 

[moreluck]

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
​

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

 

[moreluck]

Gentle Thoughts for
Today -




Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.



If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . .
... . . . . AMEN!
>

 

[moreluck]

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells
"race car"?



B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st
letter and move
it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?




C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants" and
add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading,
benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking *******s
and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making,
goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?

How weird is that???

 

[moreluck]

Your government at work.......

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And these guys are running our country, OMG!!

 

[moreluck]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where am I going to find an imitation Jeep?”

 

[moreluck]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.




EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[moreluck]

How Many of These Did YOU Know About?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife
under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm..).
============================================
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them
neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
===================================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: Get warm water and put
Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (Wish I had known this for the last 40 years!).
===================================
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for
a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.
===================================
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped
in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
===================================
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
===================================
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of
scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would
be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
===================================
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time!
===================================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal
for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks....
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows
on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
===================================
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
a light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
===================================
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will
smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.
===================================
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
hours prior to burning.
===================================
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
===================================
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
===================================
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
===================================
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
===================================
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the
corn's natural sweetness.
===================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
===================================
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces..
===================================
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area
and you will experience instant relief.
===================================
Ants, ants, ants everywhere. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk
line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.
===================================
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
===================================
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle.. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
===================================
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer...Clean a toilet. Drop in two
Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
===================================
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water, and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
===================================
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and
immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
===================================
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka
Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (Or longer, if necessary)..
===================================
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer
tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar.
Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
===================================
Do your friends a favor... Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I know I just did.

Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?

 

[moreluck]

You know the characters, but you might not know their full names. Store these away for future trivia nights.


1. Did you know the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons has a name? It’s Jeff Albertson. But that wasn’t the decision of creator Matt Groening. “I was out of the room when [the writers] named him,” he told MTV in 2007. “In my mind, ‘Louis Lane’ was his name, and he was obsessed and tormented by Lois Lane.”

2. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. (Ken’s last name is Carson.)

3. Cap’n Crunch’s full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch

4. Snuffleupagus has a first name—Aloysius.

5. In the Peanuts comic strip, Peppermint Patty’s real name is Patricia Reichardt.

6. The Wizard of Oz rolls off the tongue a lot easier than his full name, Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs. From Frank Baum’s Dorothy And the Wizard in Oz:
“It was a dreadfully long name to weigh down a poor innocent child, and one of the hardest lessons I ever learned was to remember my own name. When I grew up I just called myself O.Z., because the other initials were P-I-N-H-E-A-D; and that spelled ‘pinhead,’ which was a reflection on my intelligence.”


7. Mr. Clean has a seldom-used first name—”Veritably.” The name came from a “Give Mr. Clean a First Name” promotion in 1962.

8. In a deleted scene in the 2006 Curious George movie, The Man With the Yellow Hat’s name was revealed as Ted Shackleford. (Since the scene was deleted, perhaps this doesn’t count.)

9. The real name of Monopoly mascot Rich Uncle Pennybags is Milburn Pennybags.

10. The policeman in Monopoly has a name, too. You can thank Officer Edgar Mallory the next time he sends you to jail.

11. On Night Court, Nostradamus Shannon was better known as Bull.

12. On Entourage, Turtle’s real name is Salvatore Assante.

13. Sesame Street’s resident game show host Guy Smiley was using a pseudonym all these years. He was born Bernie Liederkrantz.

14. The Michelin Man’s name is Bibendum.

15. On Gilligan’s Island, Jonas Grumby was simply called The Skipper.

16. Staying on Gilligan’s Island, The Professor was Roy Hinkley.

17. The unkempt Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame has a rather proper real name—Norville Rogers.

18. The Pillsbury Doughboy’s name is Poppin’ Fresh. He has a wife, Poppie Fresh, and two kids, Popper and Bun Bun.

19. The patient in the classic game Operation is Cavity Sam.

20. The true identity of The Lone Ranger was John Reid.

21 & 22. OK, these last two aren’t fictional, but just in case it comes up, Bono was born Paul David Hewson, and The Edge’s name is David Howell Evans.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers​

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today's subliminal message is: ( )

 

[moreluck]

Why Parents Drink
​

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

 

[moreluck]

Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.





During my second month of college, our professor

Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

And had breezed through the questions until I read

The last one:



"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the

Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,

Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?



I handed in my paper, leaving the last question

Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if

The last question would count toward our quiz grade.



"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers,

You will meet many people. All are significant. They

Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do

Is smile and say "hello."



I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her

Name was Dorothy.

 

[moreluck]

Married Too Long?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

===============================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

===============================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive - so I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....

===============================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearbytable.
My wife asked, ' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...

================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and s he processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

================================================
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.

================================================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....

 

[moreluck]

Life Is a Gift Today - before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around .