Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THE OLDER CROWD​

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************​

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'​

​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

​

Aging:​

Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it..
---------------------------------​

 

[moreluck]

Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going. The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************

Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!​

 

[moreluck]

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.




I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.




I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.



I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.


So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.



As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore..
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).

 

[moreluck]

Childrens' Minds.........

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

 

[moreluck]

HER AGE...........

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."
http://www.dailyhaha.com/jokes_view.asp?ID=652

 

[moreluck]

Cheesy Halloween Jokes......

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

 

[moreluck]

A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn't have a name, so "The Week" asked its readers to do the honors.

Mocha Dinero

Cost-a-latte

Brokefest Blend

Excesso

Ka-Ching-accino

Goldbean Sachs

Café au Laitaway

 

[moreluck]

How the media would handle the end of the world...

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

National Enquirer: Tiger and Elin, Together Again.

Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

Sports Illustrated: Game Over.

Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.

Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.

America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

 

[moreluck]

SPECIAL PIG..............

A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer.

The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?” The farmer glares at the salesman and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special.

Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!”

The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.”

The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?” The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”

 

[moreluck]

Angel food vs. Devil's food......

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

[moreluck]

The following statements about the Bible are said to have been written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (I.e., bad spelling has been left in).

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
7. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
8. Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.
9. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
10. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
11. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
12. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
13. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
14. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
15. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
16. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
17. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
18. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
19. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
20. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
21. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
22. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
23. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
24. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
25. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
26. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
27. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

[moreluck]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid,Whoopi Goldburg, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'

 

[moreluck]

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

 

[moreluck]

British Humor.....

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside...

 

[moreluck]

funny story:

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4
parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world
needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the
plane.

The second passenger, Nancy Pelosi, said, "I am the Speaker of the House. And I
am the smartest woman in American history, so America 's people don't want me
to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a self-decorated war
hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the
parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger,
a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the
best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for
you. America 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

 

[moreluck]

Love and Marriage​

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

 

[moreluck]

Three Government Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

 

[moreluck]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet

Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder

that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the

ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room

where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the

ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets

another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever

higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard

and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath

from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey, Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

 

[moreluck]

CRISCO
​

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."

 

[moreluck]

Blind Date..........

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"