Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Man / Woman.........

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a.. HISterectomy.

 

[moreluck]

Groan.........

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

 

[DS]

Groan.........

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Ok, thats it more, you're banned

 

[moreluck]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

[moreluck]

SEASON'S GREETINGS


T'was the night before elections


And all through the town


Tempers were flaring


Emotions all up and down​

I, in my bathrobe


With a cat in my lap


Had cut off the TV


tired of political clap-trap​

When all of a sudden


There arose such a noise


I peered out my window


Saw Obama and his boys​

They had come for my wallet


They wanted my pay


To give to the others


Who had not worked a day!​

He snatched up my money


And quick as a wink


Jumped back on his bandwagon


As I gagged from the stink​

He then rallied his henchmen


Who were pulling his cart


I could tell they were out


To tear my country apart!​

'On Fannie, on Freddie,


On Biden and Ayers!


On Acorn, On Pelosi'


He screamed at the pairs!​

They took off for his cause


And as they flew out of sight


I heard him laugh at the nation


Who wouldn't stand up and fight!


So I leave you to think


On this one final note—


IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM


GET OUT AND VOTE !!!!


GOD BLESS AMERICA , OUR ONLY HOPE!​

​

 

[Old Man Jingles]

Groan.........

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

I've got a couple like that but I'll be more considerate.

 

[moreluck]

Oh c'mon, we like to be tortured !!

 

[moreluck]

Bad News about Grandpa...

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

 

[moreluck]

Teenage Boys​

Teenaged boys already know everything.

When a boy reaches 13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on, he no longer needs any parental guidance.

All he needs is parental money."

 

[moreluck]

I go to the Albertson's grocery store almost everyday. On the bottom of their receipt is a request to do an online survey. I give Bob the receipt every day and he does the online survey. We won a $100 grocery card. I've never heard of anyone winning anything from filling out those things.

Gee, I wonder how many boxes of sugar free tropical flavored popsicles that $100 will buy ??

Actually, Thanksgiving is getting close....I'll used it for turkey & fixins!

 

[moreluck]

Top Stories of 2035...

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn
you, Chelsea!

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.

3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar
Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6
million.

9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.

10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball
players threaten to strike.

11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
$2,000. Protests planned.

14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.

16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time.
No response.

17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

18. Spam, called "worse than it ever has been," is "ruining online
experience." Congress considering a law to tax it.

 

[moreluck]

OLD LOVE........

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[moreluck]

Sunday Prayers....

Help Me Now, Please! This is often the reality of our prayer attitudes:

Lord, help me not to be so perfectionist [did I spell that correctly?].

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God help me to keep my mind on ONE thing {Oh, look at that beautiful bird you created} at a time.

God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. But it would help if you put that in writing.

 

[moreluck]

First Woman Recruit...

The first woman recruit in the Army
reported for duty and was told that
although her quarters would be in a separate building,
she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later
someone finally told her
that meant to eat her meals with them.

 

[moreluck]

Did you know.....

Most reverse charge calls takes place on Father's Day.

One in ten people in the world love on an island.

The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven.

If you count the seconds without stopping, it would take you eleven-and-a-half days to reach one million, and 32 years to reach one billion.

In the United States, murder is committed most frequently in August and least frequently in February.

In 1870 there were more Irish living in London than in Dubin.

In 1870 there also were more Catholics living in London than in Rome.

The odds of being struck by lightning are about 600,000 to one.

About 27% of food in developed contries are wasted each year. It's simply thrown away.

Almost 1,2 billion people are underfed - the same number of people that are overweight to the point of obesity.

The world average of egg consumption per capita is 230.

In the United Sates, about 280 million turkeys are sold for the Thanksgiving celebrations.

Half of the world's population is under 25 years of age. 10% are over 60 years of age.

On average in the West, people move house every seven years.

 

[moreluck]

Ponderisms.....



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?


There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.


If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .............they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?



Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

 

[moreluck]

When Insults Had Class



These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:



§ The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”




§ A Member of Parliament to Benjamin Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”




§ “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill




§ “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow




§ “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).




§ “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas




§ “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain




§ “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde




§ “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.




§ “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop




§ “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright




§ “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb




§ “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson




§ “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating




§ “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand




§ "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain




§ “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West



§ “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde




§ “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts … for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844 – 1912)




§ “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder



§ “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx

 

[moreluck]

Better Be Careful!

These are actual warnings given on various products............

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

 

[moreluck]

Moon Or Sun

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

 

[moreluck]

Short ones..........

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

A seal walks into a club...

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go toBournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.