Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

YOU NEED TO STUDY MORE GEOGRAPHY IF YOU THINK...

Andes is an after dinner mint

The Balkans are an alien people on SG Universe

The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park

Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General

The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion

The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt

The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance

The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey's Circus

The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band

The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold

The International Dateline is a new cable TV network

The Equator is a cartoon action figure

The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket

An archipelago is a food stabilizer

The Dust Bowl is Granny's old favorite dish

A fault is what you find in other people

A fjord is a Norwegian car

A mantle is what goes over your fireplace

Tide is a laundry detergent

You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea

 

[moreluck]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from
Texas.......
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you may live in Texas.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in
Texas .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a Wrong number, you may live in Texas.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for
the weekend, you mayLive in Texas.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live In Texas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
but leave both Unlocked, you may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to
use them,You may live in Texas .

If the speed limit on the
highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas.

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Texas.

If you actually understand these jokes, and share th em with all your Texas
Friends, you definitely live in Texas .

 

[moreluck]

I think this is a funny exchange.........

 

[moreluck]

Love and Marriage
​

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

 

[moreluck]

The next time you want to write something in a card for your honey-bunny, try some of these.....

You are the cheese to my macaroni.

You are the horizon to my sky.

You are the bacon to my eggs.

You are the laces to my sneakers.

You are the jelly to my peanut butter.

You are the gravy to my mashed potatoes.

You are the bubbles to my bath.

You are the milk to my cookie.

You are the ketchup to my french fry.

You are the icing on my cupcake.

 

[moreluck]

RIDING BIKES
​

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"
"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when then mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

 

[moreluck]

​

Read My T-Shirt......

667 - Evil and then some.

I'm sorry, I don't speak maroon.

If idiots grew on tree, this place would be an orchard.

Just another poo flinging day in the jungle.

The best exercise is bending down to lift someone else up.

Empty promises. Calculated betrayal. Sociopathic greed....yep, B.O.'s still president.

It's my dog's world and I'm just here to open cans.

Here I am. Now what are your other 2 wishes.

 

[moreluck]

THE TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN:

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

 

[moreluck]

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS
​

- Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
- Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.
- Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF !
- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin... just in case!
- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

 

[moreluck]

As seen on T-Shirts........

I have seen the future and I'm going back to bed.

I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.

My life is loosely based on a true story.

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.

Patience is a virtue but flipping someone off feels better.

I practice safe text.

I came, I mowed, I kicked grass.

Years of therapy go down the drain after one conversation with you.

Not old, just delightfully retro.

Life is a circus and I'm stuck in the freak tent.

Just be happy I'm not a twin.

Organization takes the fun out of everything.

I'm not crazy, I'm sanity challenged.

 

[moreluck]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then,speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:


"Good trade . . .."

 

[moreluck]

Heres a line to use at any Sales meeting !!


How to truly impress clients


I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.""Yes?""I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi,Ray,'?

""Sure."I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates."Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "friend" off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

 

[moreluck]

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
​

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular maroon. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".
For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?


Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??


Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.


Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.


Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.


Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!


Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?


Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?

Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Signs You've Eaten Too Much Thanksgiving Dinner.........

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

 

[moreluck]

Dear Royal Elementary School:


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your

recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the

Hawaii Kai Retirement assisted living center. All of my family has

passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is

thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten

lady.



My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but

before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when

she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and

broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her

distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way

of answering my prayers.



She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to

kiss my ass.



Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Kobayashi


Kind of warms your heart doesn't it?

 

[moreluck]

Buscaglia could sure spin a story....

God's Wife

LOOK OUT FOR THE LAST STORY......
IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.​

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.​

The winner was:​

A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his
wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just
Helped him cry.'​

*********************************************​

Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture
had a different hair color than the other members... One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'​

'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
another child.​

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'​

*********************************************​

On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a
park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was
'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered
With a smile.​

'Really,' I said... 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'​

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...​

'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
Been up to bat yet.'​

*********************************************​

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.​

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being
in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.​

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom ,' he
shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'​

*********************************************​

An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.​

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'​

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,'was the boy's reply.​

The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.​

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.​

By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..​

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'​

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.​

'Are you God's wife?'​

*********************************************​

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.​

​

 

[moreluck]

From The Manitoba Herald

by Clive Runnelshenry

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"


The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking callsfor increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reillyand Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.


"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said."How many art-history majors does one country need?"

 

[moreluck]

I Love This Doctor!!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it--don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain---.good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND--..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like... Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



The above is ONLY a parody, it is not meant to be taken seriously.

 

[moreluck]

Ugly Baby

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."

 

[moreluck]

Wouldn't it be great..............







I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?