Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers....

Don't delay, paint today

Don't Drink and Drive!

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Don't laugh it's paid for.

Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers....

U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN

Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?

I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.

I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want?

They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.

...and i should care, why?

0-60 in 15 minutes!

100% Irony Free

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

 

[moreluck]

​

• If you want someone who totally ignores you when you walk into a room, get a cat.​
• ​
• If you want someone who acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy, get a cat.​
• ​
• If you want someone who'll prowl around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, get a cat.​
• ​
• If you want someone who leaves hair all over the place, get a cat.​
• ​
• If you want someone who never comes when you call him, get a cat.​
• ​
• If you want someone who'll walk all over you, get a cat.​

 

[moreluck]

That cat picture was like 2" square ....don't know why it blew up like that. Sorry!

 

[moreluck]

The best "I'm not available" messages.......

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you
if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.



2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the

office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.



3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and

heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.



4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from

vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was

received.



5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the

first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.



6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message

has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over

and over and over....)



7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in

approximately 19 weeks.



8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC

for my response.



9. I've run away to join a different circus.



10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

 

[Big Babooba]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and urinate through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

 

[Big Babooba]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Afternoon Sex.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'.

 

[moreluck]

The Priest............

The priest was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

 

[moreluck]

Interesting piece of history.​

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's bladder.​

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the goat first.​

 

[moreluck]

Unjustice In Hell.......

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

 

[moreluck]

Gov't and How Gov't Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, and then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly…let it sink in.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?
Anything?
No?

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of this agency...the reason for which hardly any person who reads this can remember!
Ready?










It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???






And now it's 2010 -- 33 years later -- and the budget for this "necessary" department is at $24.2 billion a year. They have 16,000 federal employees and approximately 100,000 contract employees; and look at the job they have done! (this is where you slap your forehead and say, "what were they thinking?")



33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.



-- good ‘ole bureaucracy.
And now, we are going to turn the banking system, health care, and the auto industry over to the same government?


Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

 

[moreluck]

NEW JOB WOES: Clues That Accepting Your New Job Was A Mistake

Two hours into my first professional job, my new boss introduced me to a group as "Lauren, who worked at company X for seven years." I looked at her funny and said I'd never worked there. "My God!" she shrieked, "I hired the wrong person!"

First day on the job, the boss asks you to write down your list of hobbies, because he wants to hand them back at the end of the year, to remind you of what you used to do when you had free time.

At the end of your first week of work, enough "old timers" have quit that you have the most seniority in your department.

When I came in the second day my new boss looked at me and gleefully said "Oh good! You came back!!"

The guy who hired you is fired the next day.

When you actually know all there is to know by day two, and your co-workers are asking you for instructions.

"Sorry, we forgot you were starting today. Here is a folding chair and table. We'll try to get you a phone by next week."

 

[moreluck]

A DOG'S PURPOSE...THROUGH THE EYES OF A 6 YEAR OLD CHILD

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life...like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'

The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

 

[moreluck]

A good laugh, even if you’re NOT over 50!

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


PS I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

 

[moreluck]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[moreluck]

A far more accurate account in the Bears' house of the events on that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats' litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE friendG PORRIDGEYET".

 

[moreluck]

USES FOR BUTTER... (Source: "Woman's World")

Glue Removal: To take glue from your hands, rub them with butter before washing them down with soap and water.

Gum from hair: Apply softened butter to the locks. Bubble gum will glide off without a tug-of-war.

Easy Swallow: Cover pills with butter to help the medicine go down.

The Cutting Edge: Coat a knife with butter before slicing through sticky items such as dried fruit of a gooey pies.

Tree Sap Removal: Shaded Parking disaster? Dislodge sticky sap by rubbing on a pat of butter with a micro-fiber cloth or other soft material. Wipe until the butter and the sap are gone. No scratches.

Soothe Aching Feet: To soothe tired feet, massage them with butter, wrap in a damp, hot towel, and sit for 10 minutes. Your feet will feel revitalized...and they'll smell like popcorn too.

 

[moreluck]

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind,
please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign,
turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.


That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.
The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning?
What did you write?"


The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind.
The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind.



Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and
positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future
without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…
And even more beautiful, is knowing that you are the reason
behind it!!!

If you appreciate this message, please share. You may touch
someone's heart today and forever.

 

[moreluck]

One fall afternoon as I was gazing sadly out over the mountains of dead foliage behind our house, I turned to my wife and said, "Seems like every leaf in northeast, Minneapolis must have found its way to my yard."

"Why not?" she replied. "They know they're safe here."

 

[moreluck]

THE PENCIL

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.

"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand."

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil."

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make."

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside."

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

"Now substitute the pencil with you. Always remember the 5 'points' and you will become the best person you can be."