Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Food Workers.....

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

 

[moreluck]

I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

 

[moreluck]

Sign's Location...What The Sign Says

Maternity Clothes Shop - We are open on Labor Day.

Non-smoking area - If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window - Time wounds all heels.

Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Sign on Fence - Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet...miss a car payment.

In an office - We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Garbage Truck - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store - Out for a quick byte

Diner Window - Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria - Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library - Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home - Drive carefully, we'll wait.

Electricians Truck - Let us remove your shorts.

Butcher's Window - Pleased to meat you.

Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

 

[moreluck]

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About halfway...

Reports say that Elmer j. Fudd is suffering from work related exaustion.....

Not to worry however, He is taking some well earned W&W.

 

[hubrat]

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

 

[moreluck]

Hockey Jokes....

Three Maple Leafs fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and might miss the playoffs.
"I blame the manager" said the first, "if he would sign new players then we could have a great team".
"I blame the players" said the second, "if they made more effort I am sure we would score more goals".
"I blame my parents", added the third, " if I'd been born in another city I'd be supporting a decent team!"



The Ottawa Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Ottawa. For the first offence, they give you two Ottawa Senators tickets. If you are stopped a second time, they make you use them.


An Ottawa Senators hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. Now the driver hated the Maple Leafs and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Ottawa Senators fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father?"

The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door."

 

[moreluck]

Hockey Jokes......

He cannot tell a lie ...
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Flyers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Flyers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Dougie.. the teacher looks at Dougie and says, "Doug, you're not a Flyers fan?" He says, "Nope, I'm a Leafs fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Leafs fan and not a Flyers fan?" to which Dougie replies, "Well, my mom is a Leafs fan, and my dad is a Leafs fan, so I'm a Leafs fan." The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a maroon, then what would you be?!" Dougie says, "Then I'd be a Flyers fan!"






The Last Time The Leafs Won A Stanley Cup, Most Leafs Fans Were In Diapers. The Next Time The Leafs Win A Cup Those Same Fans Will Once Again Be In Diapers!!

What do the Ottawa Senators and the Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice!

Why do Bruins fans drink from a saucer?
Because the cup's always in Montreal!

What's the difference between the Calgary Flames and a bra?
A bra has 2 cups!

Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto?
It's the only way Leafs fans can get to see the Stanley Cup!

 

[moreluck]

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Obama a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Obama was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Obama he is holding the message upside down."

 

[moreluck]

Shoulda Said ​

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your butt.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him.
The dog stands up and looks at the guyand says "Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

 

[moreluck]

REDNECK LENT ...........

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

 

[moreluck]

What Dogs Do for Us............

Catch Frisbees

Keep a night alone from being truly lonely

Get us outside on beautiful fall days, rainy days and snowy winter days

Listen to our singing

Treat us like celebrities when we come home

Warm up our beds on cold nights

Make our hearts more vigorous

Alert us to the arrival of mail

Help us live a little longer

Make us smile

Agree with everything we say

Warm our knees with their chins

Provide a use for old tennis balls

Signal when a thunderstorm is coming

Pull sleds

Help lower our blood pressure

Test how fast we can run

Keep the squirrels from overtaking our yards

Teach us the meaning of unconditional love.

~ Published in Ann Landers Newspaper column

 

[moreluck]

Pet 'Pet-Peeves'

1. Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

2. Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

3. Cat: "Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains."

4. Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?"

5. Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

6. Dog: "What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!"

7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

 

[moreluck]

Translations for men's language...........

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say......


"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'friend Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up." http://www.dailyhaha.com/jokes_view.asp?ID=714

 

[moreluck]

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

 

[moreluck]

Sara Pipalini....

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
Led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
Back to earth and be anyone you wish to be


The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."


St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask


"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
Ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

 

[moreluck]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.



While there, they spied a red phone and asked what the phone was for.





The devil told them it was for calling back to Earth.

Putin
asked to call Russia and talked for 5 minutes. When he was finished,
the devil informed him that the cost was ONE million dollars, so Putin
wrote him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth called England and
talked for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informed her
that the cost was SIX million dollars, so she wrote him a check.

Finally George Bush got his turn and talked for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that the cost was $5.00.

When Putin heard this he went ballistic and asked the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiled and replied: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call�.

 

[moreluck]

New Samurai......

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."

The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"

 

[moreluck]

MY HOMETOWN WAS SO SMALL...

...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a Salad Shooter

...the local Motel 6 actually only slept six

...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

...the class valedictorian had both the highest and lowest GPA

...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper

...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

 

[Big Babooba]

Re: Heard any good ones?

" Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[moreluck]

Happy Gorilla...

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache . . . "