Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Ultimate Chain Letter . . .
​

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at he top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

 

[moreluck]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.



And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

 

[moreluck]

Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

 

[moreluck]

Daffy-nitions:

Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag.

Locate: Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.

Tangent: A man who spends a lot of time at the beach

Welfare for crocodiles: Gator-Aide

Rubberneck: What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day

Slow Down Feathers: From the chest of a not-so-fast goose

Versatile: Poetry on the roof.

Axis: What hillbillies use to chop wood.

Maritime: June for many couples

Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler

 

[moreluck]

Don't Jump
​

This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge, getting ready to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump -- think of your Mom and Dad".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".
She said, "Well, think of your wife and kids."
He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids.
She said, "Well think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, " Who's Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well just go ahead and jump, you damnYankee!"

 

[moreluck]

Hunting Dog..........

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

 

[moreluck]

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."? So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything!

 

[moreluck]

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie used the state helicopter to get to his son's high school ballgame. It's no scandal. It isn't really news in politics unless he fathers the son by a hotel maid he attacked and then tweets his followers a picture of the baseball team in their underwear.
~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

From Larry the Cable Guy.....

* I'm married now so I don't date much anymore.

* I was seeing this girl for about 6 weeks 'til someone took my binoculars.

* Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

* You know gas is expensive when you see street gangs doing walk-bys.

* I'm on a diet where you eat veggies and drink wine. I lost 10 lbs. and my driver's license.

* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* Ever drive down the highway and policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two
behind him. He's like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off the exit and we're back to
green flag racing !

 

[moreluck]

Politicians...........


[Politicians are wonderful people, as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. Working is not a governmental priority because politicians already have a full-time job, running for office. Running the government is something they do in their spare time. Amazingly politicians also hold down a third job, providing comedy writers with plenty of material.

 

[moreluck]

CAR TROUBLE (Blonde)


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[moreluck]

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.

That God - he's such a kidder.

 

[moreluck]

Those Blondes Again......

SPEEDING TICKET:
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK:
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

[moreluck]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE:


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.









=

 

[moreluck]

FEMALE COMPASSION
(The depth and breath of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been ed?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

[moreluck]

About Canada........


Canadian bacon is called BACK BACON because it's BACON sent BACK from AMERICAN factories because it LOOKS FUNNY!
CANADA is entirely made of SNOW and ROAD SAND!


It is ILLEGAL to own a GUN in Canada! However, you are REQUIRED to own a SNOWMOBILE and a HAT WITH WOOLY EARFLAPS under PAIN of DEATH!



CANADIANS don't have a PRESIDENT! They have a "PRIME RIB"!

When dried in the sun, POUTINE makes a great DRIVEWAY SEALANT PATCH!


It is ILLEGAL in Canada to use the letter "O" without putting a "U" after it! (As in "Colour" or "Poutine" or "Filthy Whoure")


AMERICANS should never go to CANADA during a FULL MOON, as 57% of the population are LYCANTHROPES!


The province named NEWFOUNDLAND is named NEWFOUNDLAND because Canada LOST IT in the 1960s then found it again only a few months ago. Before that it was called LAND.

NO CANADIAN ALIVE will dare tell you the secret of why the CANADIAN NICKEL has the QUEEN on one side and a BEAVER on the other!


In CANADA, the capitol is called "Ottawa" because "Washington DC" was already taken!

 

[moreluck]

Murphy's Flight Laws

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

 

[moreluck]

Touring Guide for North
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

 

[packageguy]

I was in another drivers truck this week meeting for lunch. I look at the back door and see ------------BOHICA
I asked what does that mean, -------he said UPS NEW CODE WORD.
Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. Still laughing my ass off..

 

[moreluck]

BLONDES................

KNITTING:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"