Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... sorry.. ..

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that. Never mind.

 

[moreluck]

Will I Live to see 80?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"


He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"


"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either!"


Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"


I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"


"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"


"No, I don't," I said.


He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?"


"No," I said.....


He looked at me and said,...."Then, why do you even give a hoot?"

 

[moreluck]

How's your Job At.....

How's your job at the clock company? Only time will tell.

How's your job on the new highway? I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

How's your job at the travel agency? I'm going nowhere.

How's your job at the pie company? It didn't pan out.

How's your job at the crystal ball company? I'm making a fortune.

How's your job on the farm? Problems keep cropping up.

How's your job at the sewing shop? Hanging on by a thread.

How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? I have clear job objectives.

 

[moreluck]

You know you've turned into a mom when..........

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

 

[moreluck]

Too Bad
​

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman-- "I froze to death.

Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died"

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

 

[moreluck]

Another Golfer
​

After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!"
"No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

[moreluck]

Off the wall Funny..........


My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that!? 2:30! Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

The popemobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

I went to a fight last night and a hockey game broke out

My friend Carlos had his Car stolen, so now we just call him Los.

S.O.B.E.R. = Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real

The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"....so I put "no" and "good lawyers"


What has four legs and squeeks? My bed if you want it to.

If you ever get pulled over by the police and they ask "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Its not wise to answer with "Why? Have you already forgotten?"

Four in the morning my neighbour's car alarm went off.
Scared me so bad I dropped my tools.

I have the body of a god.
Unfortunately it's Buddha.

Don't you hate that awkward moment when you go through metal detectors in the airport and your abs of steal set them off.

Let's celebrate Columbus day by walking into someone's house and telling them we live there now.

 

[moreluck]

Letters to a pastor
​

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

 

[moreluck]

Office Rules......

1) If it rings, put it on hold.

2) If it clanks, call the repairman.

3) If it whistles, ignore it.

4) If it's a friend, take a break.

5) If it's the boss, look busy.

6) If it talks, take notes.

7) If it's handwritten, type it.

8) If it's typed, copy it.

9) If it's copied, file it.

10) If it's Friday, forget it!

 

[moreluck]

Chastity Belt

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade.
Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs".

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key".

 

[moreluck]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM DRINKING COFFEE

I am productive! I am productive! I am productive!

Better latte than never.

A day without coffee is like night...you sleep through it.

We all have to do the daily grind.

Espresso yourself.

Automatic drip defines most people's personalities.

Stand your grounds.

If the spoon doesn't dissolve, it isn't coffee.

Take two cups and call me in the middle of the night.

Who needs sleep when you've got coffee?

There's no rest for the caffeinated.

Decaf is for sissies.

Man cannot live by coffee alone, donuts are pretty essential too.

It's okay to be full of beans sometimes.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Biker

You Know You're A Biker When...

Your best friends are named after animals.

You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.

Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.

You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.

You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.

You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.

You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.

Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.

Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.

Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.

Your garage has more square footage than your house.

 

[moreluck]

When the rapture comes.....
All the fun people will be left !!

 

[moreluck]

WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL.............................

You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.

You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."

Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.

You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.

Your bed has more options than your car.

One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.

It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.

You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.

You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.

You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

You look both ways before crossing a room.

 

[moreluck]

"Mismatched Couple Descriptions"

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.

2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.

3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.

4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.

5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.

6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.

 

[moreluck]

Texas Humor........

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two.

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes or hours.

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

Sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

All four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal- Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili- eatin' weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.

 

[moreluck]

Some Great Malapropisms..."

"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."

"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."

"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."

 

[moreluck]

At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?"

The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?"

"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son.

Dad charges off to confront his brother.

Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like this you think they would serve champagne."

 

[moreluck]

Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris's house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.

"Beckie's two hours late, Max."

"She's probably been kidnapped or she's been involved in a terrible car crash," replies Max, "or maybe she’s still shopping."

"Oy Vay!" says Morris, "I hope she's not shopping!"

 

[moreluck]

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."

A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it.

He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."