Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[trplnkl]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

[moreluck]

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all
day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked
him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that
it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He instantly fell asleep - I cried. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.


HUSBAND'S DIARY:

crappy golf game today. Hope tomorrow I can figure out what Im doing wrong.

 

[moreluck]

Play Ball!!!

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of
the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

 

[klein]

A Mexican, A Canadian, and An American are walking together down a road, when they stumble upon a lamp with a genie in it.After they rub the lamp, a Genie pops out and says"Okay, you all get 1 wish each, who's going first?"

The Mexican says"Oh, ME, ME!" "I want A 2-mile wide road across Mexico"

Genie, "Granted!" POOF!

American, "Now me! I want a 20 foot brick wall around all of the USA to keep the Canadians and Mexicans out"

Genie, "Granted!" POOF

Genie, "Okay Canadian, It's Your turn!"

Canadian, "Is that wall you put around the USA waterproof?"

Genie, "Yup!"

Canadian, "Fill 'er Up!"

 

[moreluck]

Men are Like...............


Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

 

[moreluck]

Catholic shampoo

two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand." "i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Please Help








> As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in
> emails, BUT this one is VERY important. It has been circulating for MONTHS
> and has been sent to over 25 million people. We don't want to lose any
> names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.






Please keep it going!




> To show your support for re-election of President Obama, please go to the
> end of the list and add your name:

> 1. Michelle Obama
> 2.

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

Rumor has it that Eric Weiner is going to run for president.
He has chosen attorney general Holder as his running mate.
Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early,
before they are all gone.

 

[moreluck]

Good News ​

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Damm-it!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

 

[moreluck]

Subject....Health Food

With today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle,
food and stress are very important to them.

We will look first at what food can be added to our
diet that will help relieve stress.

The food in question, is chocolate. This overlooked
food is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.

Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans with
the bean known as a vegetable.

Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would
also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying all
chocolate as a vegetable.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know,
you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!

To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains
milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form,
should be considered a health food.


so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............

Desserts!

 

[moreluck]

Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits

​

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

 

[moreluck]

Harassing Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're
really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more
said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went
into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot
didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey,
lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

 

[moreluck]

MY DADDY IS A DANCER.............

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... And so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

 

[moreluck]

Grandfathers don't know everything


THIS IS TOO CUTE NOT TO SHARE

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.


He'd been playing outside with the other kids,when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpawas a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's calledsexual intercourse.’


‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandpa, it isn't


Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds........And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[moreluck]

Shampoo alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time
to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the
shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"!
Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I
am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on
the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the warning labels friends!

 

[moreluck]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[moreluck]

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

 

[moreluck]

THE PASTOR'S ASS

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey...

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent..

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is ....
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery.
It can even shorten your life...

So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!
And remember... sharing is caring!​

 

[moreluck]

A father, taking his family to dinner, warned his little boy not to take any of the free candies by the cash register. While paying the bill, he noticed a small hand slowly slide toward the bowl of candies. After giving it a slap, he turned to find it was the hand of a petite, elderly lady.

 

[moreluck]

You Are A Bad Cook If...

The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.

Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

The last time you made cupcakes your kids used them for hockey pucks.

You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.