Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

KIDS IN CHURCH......

3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in Heaven, Harold is his name. Amen."



A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."



After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE WON'T BE AN ASIAN PRESIDENTANYTIME SOON.......

10. White House not big enough for in-laws.
9. Engineering, medicine, and law always pre-ferred over politics.
8. Oval Office has bad feng shui.
7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway.
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother.
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners.
4. No chance for promotion.
3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct.
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in.
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles.

 

[moreluck]

Dog help.....

My yellow lab, Draco, accompanied my friend and me cross-country skiing. Because there was traffic on a road alongside one trail, I leashed Draco, tucked my poles under my left arm and held on to him with my right hand. I climbed up the hill, with Draco giving me a pull. When we reached the top, a stranger at the bottom hailed me. "Can you send the dog back down, please?"

 

[moreluck]

ARE YOU KATHLICK ??.........

Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will You! baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".



" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"


The oldest one said, "Idiots"

"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?"


"I think it means we're Pisscopailians."

 

[moreluck]

Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the jury the truth - why did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children.

 

[moreluck]

Cop......

Cop pulling a woman over: "Let me see your driver's license, lady."

Woman: "I wish you people would get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it."

 

[moreluck]

Newspaper Bloopers.....

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The
bill also applies to Buffalo.

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on
the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of
death.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.

 

[moreluck]

He-ing & She-ing

The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been hei-ng and she-ing to stand up!"

Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!"

A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!"

Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.

The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn't committing sins. What do you have to say!"

Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"

 

[moreluck]

Do You have a bone to pick?

The body of any organization has four bones:

Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

 

[moreluck]

TOP 14 SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING.......

14. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

13. pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

12. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

11. Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

10. New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

9. That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.

8. Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

7. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

6. "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

5. You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

4. Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

3. Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

2. You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...

1. The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

 

[moreluck]

church.....

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Riddle....8 inches

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8" long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes....

is usually found hug, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.

It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and
a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening
where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again
many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize
the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well
lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy,
sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning
from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long
glistening shaft.


After everything is done and the flowing and
cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is
returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for another bit
of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice
or three times a day, but often much less.


WHAT AM I?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN. . .

TOOTHBRUSH.
What were you thinking? You PERVERT

 

[traveler]

THE FUNNIEST "DAM" STORY !!!

This is actually a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even better...

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. ! 20; Ly-coming County



Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[moreluck]

Mother's Dictionary.....

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 

[moreluck]

Brownie Troop

A troop of Brownie Scouts is touring a cathedral, and the children seem especially fascinated by the votive candles in front of a side altar.

The leader asks if they'd each like to light one. She explains that it is customary to say a prayer asking for something or giving thanks.

"Do you have any questions?" she asks.

"No," says one little girl. "But if there's a pony outside, it's mine."

 

[moreluck]

Life Begins at 40?

They say life begins at forty, but life just begins to show at forty. After forty, every day is Halloween: You wake up with a different face than the one you went to sleep with, and it ain't pretty. And your "I just woke up" face of your forties is your "all-day face of your fifties!"

 

[cheryl]

The Price of a Brain


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

[roach]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently
widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found
their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive Widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do
you remember that good looking widow from the farm we
stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't
you?)

 

[roach]

Miranda Rights


-
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells
the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can
and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits"

 

[roach]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so