Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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Why Men are Rarely Published in Dear Abby

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

[moreluck]

~ Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men ~

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

One usually makes a better pie.

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.

A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

 

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Bar Story.....

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

 

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WEIRD FACTS..................

* Almonds are not really nuts, but a member of the peach family.
* Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food from freezing.
* Polar Bears are left-handed.
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".

* Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. President born in a hospital.

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled
by horses. They kept the horses from walking up the stairs.

* An estimated 35% of people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
* A cockroach can live without it's head until it starves to death.

* The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's like a human jumping the length of
a football field.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* According to surveys, on average people fear spiders more than they fear death.

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".
* Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

 

[moreluck]

THE MODERN TOOLBOX

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

 

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Sky divers



My sky-diver nephew and the pilot of his plane were driving to a jump zone when they were pulled over by the state police for speeding. The officer approached the car and jokingly asked for a pilot's licence and flight plan. These were promptly passed over to him. His face expressed amazement, then amusement. "I always knew one day I'd get caught with that line," and he let them go with a warning.

 

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Smiles from the Bible...

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because
the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson He brought the house down.

Q What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents ?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standi ng on the deck. ( Groan...)

PS...
Did y ou know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

 

[moreluck]

Pope's Visit

After his visit to Six Flags, the Pope headed for the mountains of Alaska to do some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campgrounds in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing Birkenstocks, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As he drove off, one of the loggers said, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

 

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Little old lady!


I was shopping at Kroger and noticed a little old lady following me around.


I st opped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.


She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."



Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

 

[moreluck]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS, I LEARNED FROM MY CAT:

Be finicky - they'll try harder to please you.

Give attitude - get attention.

If you don't like your presents, SULK.

If you get bored at your party - just curl up for a nap.

Don't stress out over your first grey whisker.

Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.

Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.

Take the day off and lie in the sun.

Stay out on the prowl all night long.

Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.

It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.

Act catty - toy with your presents before you tear them open.

Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.

If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.

Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember... curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

 

[moreluck]

My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone.
If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of
air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are
50-50 instead of 100%.

 

[moreluck]

Hospital Admissions

Nurse (admitting a female patient): Are you on any special diets?

Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds.

Nurse: Really? Do you think that skipping meals to drink a shake makes you so hungry that you overeat later?

Patient: What do you mean, "skipping meals?"

 

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Halloween Definitions......

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

 

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Raccoons

The raccoons were not faring well against the cars on our back road. With each mishap, we would bury the chubby, masked victim in the woods beside our home while saying a prayer to keep the deceased safe and happy in heaven. When we buried No. 4, we followed the same routine. However, at the end of the "service," my four-year-old son added a small prayer of his own: "And please, dear God, keep him this time so we don't have to bury him again."

 

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A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of
Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of
the grave?"

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said,
'Tah-dah!'"

 

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First National Bank of Washington, Ill., tried to encourage business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed:

"Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

 

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Presidential Candidate......

WAYS TO KNOW YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED:

He promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Ty Pennington guy."

Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"

At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE

 

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Santa, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"

He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

 

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John "Jack" Bolt, who went to his final reward in 2004, was the only
two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace. As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair. As a
major during the Korean War, he scored six more while flying the North
American friend-86 Sabre on an exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.

During a commercial airline flight several years ago,he was
seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby
began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible. Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude,
Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was
hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her
pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the
baby's ears. Jack sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot
fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"

 

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Back to school.....

Seven-year-old Malcolm had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Malcolm was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," said the mother. "I had Malcolm here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."