Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Lean On Me...
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first.
“Oh,” replied the other off-hand, “just our medals.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first.
“Oh,” replied the other off-hand, “just our medals.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
FedEx Copyright...
In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, we're talking about copyright infringement.
It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.
Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso.
In Syracuse, N.Y., Federal Express no longer has any competition. But not the package-delivery system, where there are formidable rivals such as United Parcel Service. No, we're talking about copyright infringement.
It seems FedEx has triumphed in its three-year battle against a local coffee shop. First, the shop called itself Federal Espresso. Agreeing to a change, the owners then came up with Ex-Federal Expresso. The shipping giant still wasn't amused.
Now the two have reached a settlement, and the java business has adopted the name Freedom of Espresso.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers...
Motor Home Bumper Sticker:
DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!
Car Bumper Stickers:
LOVE IS GRAND... DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN... LACK AMBITION STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES FROGS PARKING ONLY... ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD. KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS... SUPPORT BINGO! WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:
IF YOU CAN'T STOP SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER
Motor Home Bumper Sticker:
DON'T TAILGATE OR I'LL FLUSH!
Car Bumper Stickers:
LOVE IS GRAND... DIVORCE IS TWENTY GRAND!
YOU'RE A PANE IN MY GLASS WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN... LACK AMBITION STABLE RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR HORSES FROGS PARKING ONLY... ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD. KEEP GRANDMA OFF THE STREETS... SUPPORT BINGO! WOMEN LIKE THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE... MEN!
18-Wheeler Bumper Sticker:
IF YOU CAN'T STOP SMILE AS YOU GO UNDER
moreluck
golden ticket member
Yellow Lines....
Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway. The first day, he painted ten miles of road. The second day, he only painted five. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest.
When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile of road.
His now discouraged boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," Darryl answered. "I keep getting farther away from the paint can!"
Darryl was hired to paint the yellow stripes on a highway. The first day, he painted ten miles of road. The second day, he only painted five. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest.
When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile of road.
His now discouraged boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," Darryl answered. "I keep getting farther away from the paint can!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Who is Mightiest.....
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Tips On Motherhood............
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and to let the air out of the tires.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three Turtles......
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.
"Rabbi", he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.
"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.
"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.
"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.
"Rabbi", he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.
"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.
"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.
"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.
moreluck
golden ticket member
No Chances...
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
moreluck
golden ticket member
SEX AT 83
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 83.
I'm so happy because I live at number 81.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards,
and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 83.
I'm so happy because I live at number 81.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards,
and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
moreluck
golden ticket member
Debra decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
moreluck
golden ticket member
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control, mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control, mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Watermelons ....
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
moreluck
golden ticket member
White Hair....
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise."
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