Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Little Girl...


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

 

[moreluck]

Communion Practice....

My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice.

The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says, “God be with you.”

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, “God will get you.”

 

[moreluck]

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

[moreluck]

The New Priest....


The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding?!? What happened next?'"

 

[moreluck]

Bad Weather....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...

 

[moreluck]

The Bathroom Door is Closed!..............


Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

~ Mom

 

[moreluck]

Let's Piss Off Everyone ...............

> > I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

> > A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

> > I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

> > Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

> > A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

> > Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. > But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

> > Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

> > I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

> > Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb !

> > I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

> > I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

> > > I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[moreluck]

New Girlfriend...


A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

 

[moreluck]

Say It With Flowers.....


A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers."

He says, "One rose, please."

"Just one?" asks the florist.

"Yes. I'm a man of few words."

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're in a Sketchy Church When ....


The church bus has gun racks.

The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

There's an ATM in the lobby.

The choir wears leather robes.

Worship services are B.Y.O.S.: "Bring Your Own Snake."

No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

Karaoke Worship Time.



Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

 

[moreluck]

Biblical Bloopers ...


What follows are Old Testament bloopers from Sunday school students:

~ In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

~ Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

~ Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

~ Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

~ Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

~ The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

~ Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

~ Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

~ Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

~ Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

~ The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

~ The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

~ The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

~ Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

~ The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him

~ David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

~ Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

[moreluck]

Senior Texting...


An older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet.
Please advise.

 

[moreluck]

The Wrong Answer...


Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.

"Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Steve.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'."

"Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

 

[moreluck]

Polite Behavior...


Four-year-old Lizzie was in the pediatric ward to get her shots.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

So the child yelled, even louder: "NO, THANK YOU!! NO, THANK YOU!!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Texan With an Attitude

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in San Antonio. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids.

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump.... you little Yankee Democrat Bastard.... You’re holding up traffic”

 

[moreluck]

A local monastery has a fish and chips dinner during lent.

One Friday night during lent, a customer came in and asked one of the

helpers: are you the fish fryer?

Oh no, the helper answered, I'm the chip monk!

 

[Covemastah]

Two nuns were on a remote beach and decided to go behind a sand
dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while
when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them.
The first nun asked him, "Aren't you going to focus?"
The second nun said, "Quiet sister, let him take his picture first."

 

[moreluck]

Forecasting the Weather...

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The CAT

 

[Wally]

The Annual Physical

A man gets his annual physical and the doctor says, "OK, everything looks fine, see you next year". On the way out of the office, the man collapses of a heart attack and dies. The office nurse runs back to the doctor. "Doctor, your patient just dropped dead of a heart attack, what should we do? Without pause, the doctor says, "before we do anything, turn him around to make it look like he was walking in"!

 

[moreluck]

Trying to Attract Some Attention...


From the deck of a cruise ship, a passenger saw a small island with a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that?" the passenger asked the steward.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."