Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, the helicopter lost power and went down.
Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled, "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

 

[moreluck]

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,

"How far away did they stand?"

 

[moreluck]

The President of the US was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

 

[moreluck]

Ladies Vs. Real Women #2

Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


Real Woman: Leftover wine??

 

[moreluck]

Bad Treatment....


Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans - no matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc.

After a while it started to irritate them.

One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read

"DryCleaners".

 

[moreluck]

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

 

[moreluck]

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.


"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"


"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

 

[moreluck]

"Some plants," said the teacher, " have the prefix 'dog' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Who can name another plant prefixed by 'dog?'"

"I can," shouted a little boy in the back row. "Collie flower."

 

[moreluck]

WORDS OF GREAT WISDOM (The Native American Code Of Ethics)


1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.


2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.


3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.


4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.


5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. If it was not earned or given, it is not yours.


6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth - whether it be people or plant.


7. Honor other people's thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.


8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.


9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.


10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.


11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.


12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life's lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.


13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.


14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.


15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self - all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.


16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.


17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others - especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.


18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

 

[moreluck]

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jets?"

 

[moreluck]

Self-Esteem...

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

 

[moreluck]

Trip to the Zoo...


Benny wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Benny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Benny excitedly, "when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

 

[moreluck]

Guido the Rich....


Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.

Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.

Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room.

One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"

The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.

Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.

The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"

Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"
"Sir?"
"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

 

[moreluck]

Changes...

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."



New Patient....

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

 

[moreluck]

Seeing Eye Dog....


A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

[moreluck]

Branded....

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

 

[moreluck]

Extinction....



Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.

 

[moreluck]

THE ZOO KEEPER...


A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

 

[moreluck]

To Be In An Orchestra....


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[moreluck]

Witicisms......

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free... Taxed to death.