Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Bee Attitudes....

Bee busy...Doing what you love to do.

Bee true...To the dreams God's given you.

Bee sure...To taste the sweetness of each day

Bee silly...Giggle lots...take off and play.

Bee Bold...Enough to trust your wings and fly.

Bee-lieve...The power of prayer will get you by.

Bee Happy...Keep your outlook bright and sunny.

Bee Yourself...Bee-cause...You really are a honey!

 

[moreluck]

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=arial,helvetica]Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News, and found it quite interesting in light of our current
debates.

The quote reads:

"Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:
'Be careful with your immigration
laws. We were careless with ours.' "
[/FONT]

 

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Cherokee

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

 

[moreluck]

The Fastest Thing...


An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He
decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch,
way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than
an instant. Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is! DIARRHEA ."

"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure," said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling
so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I
could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!!

 

[moreluck]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



scroll down for answer














* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

 

[moreluck]

"Morning Pills"

This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.

I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.

 

[moreluck]

Spell Chips....

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. Wonderful news! He and the young lady were to wed in a month!

One of the witches told him, . . "Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried say it best."

 

[moreluck]

Bizarre Entertainment FACTS......

Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.

Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, Psycho, which actually took 7 days to shoot.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

George Harrison, with "My Sweet Lord," was the first Beatle to have a Number 1 hit single following the group's breakup.

In 1920, 57% of Hollywood movies billed the female star above the leading man. In 1990, only 18% had the leading lady given top billing.

In 1969, Midnight Cowboy became the first and only X-rated production to win the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Its rating has since been changed to R.)

In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer's name is Yensid, which is Disney spelled backward.

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison were all 27 years old when they died.

Mickey Mouse is known as 'Topolino' in Italy.

Movie detective Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211 and Sgt. Joe Friday's (Dragnet) badge number is 714 (one of the area codes in Los Angeles.)

 

[moreluck]

Cannibals.....

A canibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow canibal. Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The canibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

 

[moreluck]

The Sad Passing of Common Sense.....

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; by his wife, Discretion; by his daughter, Responsibility; and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame,
I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing.

 

[moreluck]

Where are we?.........

While on patrol with the Coast Guard, I was just finishing a set of fire-prevention rounds on the ship. As I passed through the bridge, I asked the officer of the watch where we were. "We're on the ocean," he replied.

"Could you be more Pacific?" I asked.

 

[moreluck]

Cop Humor...

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs ar tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that's the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes , Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh..did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

You think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

 

[moreluck]

Cooking Terms​

• Tongue A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
• Yogurt Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

• Recipe
  • A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
• Porridge
  • Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
• Preheat
  • To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
• Oven
  • Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
• Microwave Oven
  • Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
• Calorie
  • Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

 

[moreluck]

AGENDA FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION 2008



7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 - 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender-- French President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay. Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals-- John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

 

[moreluck]

A hunting guide got himself into an embarassing fix. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Montana!" they asserted.

"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Alberta now."

 

[moreluck]

THE LAND OF SANDRA DEE

Long ago and far away
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
Or the dawn of Camelot

There lived a race of innocents
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Oh, there was truth and goodness
In the land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges
And Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on T.V.
And God was in His Heaven
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
in circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We longed for love and romance,
And waited for our prince
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin".
And sang to "Stagger Lee"
We cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Dee,

Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We fell for Frankie Avalon
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three
Or Rocky - Rambo twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp

We had a Mr. Wizard,
But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah wasn't talkin' yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin.
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson
And Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag.
And microchips were what was left in
The bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

Buicks came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

We had no Crest with fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned panty hose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle-age was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents
In the Land of Sandra Dee.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land of Sandra Dee.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away

 

[moreluck]

HALLOWEEN TRACKED....

This year's Halloween, the University tracked Trick-or-Treaters according to their star signs and found the following:

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

 

[moreluck]

Doctor, Doctor.....

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his
doctor, waking him up. "I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said,
"but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed his wife's
inflamed appendix a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second
appendix?" the doctor asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but
surely you've heard of a second wife."

 

[moreluck]

Ok, here's the plan......

* Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

* Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

* Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

* In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

* I love it when a plan comes together!