Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters, that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eigh t or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
not i ce which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
--------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[moreluck]

Do good anyway!

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest ideas. Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for some underdogs.

What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

 

[moreluck]

New Gas Plan....Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we
use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million
illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our
gas. The price of gas would have to come down as a result.




New Immigration Plan. Bring our troops home from Iraq, to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq.
Tell him if he wants to come to America , then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered
to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter
illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq, and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

 

[moreluck]

Dish Washer

I was invited to dinner at the home of an elderly couple, and I noticed they had a new dishwasher. "Walter has been doing the dishes since the children left home," my hostess informed me. "I thought he needed a break." Smiling, she added: "When I filled out the warranty registration card, there was a space for 'age of previous dishwasher.' I wrote '82 years.'"

 

[moreluck]

Expensive Sweater.......

"Isn't two hundred dollars a lot of money for a sweater? asked a customer. "Not really," the clerk replied. "The wool was shorn from sheep living in the most inaccessible area of the Himalayas. It's a truly amazing yarn."

"And," said the customer, "you tell it so very well."

 

[moreluck]

ONE LINERS

*Wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in California.....U C L A

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there l ooking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and
asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting you and your right to say this stupid stuff, so, He sent me."[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN REASONS VALENTINE'S DAY IS IN FEBRUARY

10. Christmas and Easter had the first two draft picks.

9. Chocolate melts in the summertime!

8. Greeting Card Cartels are too powerful. If Hallmark wants a holiday in February, Hallmark *gets* a holiday in February.

7. St. Valentine's martyrdom probably had something to do with it.

6. "February" is an anagram for "Bare Fury."

5. Males can only engage in romantic rituals that occur between the end of football season and the beginning of hockey playoffs.

4. Red clothes with fuzzy white trim are still in fashion this soon after Christmas.

3. Cupid's wings are too small to navigate the treacherous warm updrafts during the other seasons.

2. In February winter feels like it will never end and a bit of a nice holiday halfway through the tedium stirs our minds to turn toward warm thoughts of the coming Spring.

1. The temperature in February is so cold that cuddling is a matter of survival for the species.

 

[moreluck]

Why you need to learn punctuation....
Notice the effect of the following Dear John love letter with different punctuation:

Dear John
I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you.
I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart.
I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria




Dear John
I want a man who knows what love is.
All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn.
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy.
Will you let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

 

[moreluck]

"LAWS OF PARENTHOOD"

There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood............

.. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A Redneck Pilot If ...


... you have a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service!

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut!

... you've ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft!

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike!

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight!

.. you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points!

.. you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock!

... your stall warning plays Dixie!

 

[moreluck]

Words That Should Exist.....

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

BURGACIDE (burg'uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma)n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup kus') n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it's nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up.

 

[moreluck]

Crusty Old Sergeant Major

A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[moreluck]

Naval Academy​

While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."

 

[moreluck]

Gentleman Farmer

My husband's dream of being a gentleman farmer finally became a reality when we purchased a small farm and two cows. And I soon discovered I had a lot to learn about being a farmer's wife.

One Sunday in church, a lady from the community introduced herself and asked me if I was the one with the little brown heifer in my yard.

"Oh, no," I replied. "I drive a little white Accord."

 

[moreluck]

Airman​

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft.... ...Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

 

[moreluck]

The economic difference between a Recession, Depression, and Panic:

~A Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.

~A Depression is when you lose your job.

~And Panic is when your wife loses her job.

 

[moreluck]

In a Child's Mind​

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

 

[moreluck]

Sex Contest

There were two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local brothel for the evening.

So they got to the brothel, paired off with a couple of ladies, and went to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically had sex with his escort and reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and had sex again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. And again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically had sex again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barged into the white guy's room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? Ah man!!! You beat me by three!"

 

[moreluck]

Wal-Mart announced that, in 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal- Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).