Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Blonde in a Blizzard


Up there by Lake Woebegone it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought abouther situation. She remembered Olaf's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snowplow went by, and
she started to follow it. As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling
very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the
blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-
plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled
her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she
was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said
that she was fine and told him of Olaf's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she
wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were
made of a dense orange clay called "pygg".
When people saved coins in jars made of this
clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an
English potter misunderstood the word, he made
a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

 

[moreluck]

A Farmers Will..........

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he
has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year
anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I
never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer
dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense
having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now
properly assumed all of his obligations.

 

[moreluck]

Definitions of a Bachelor.......

* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone- Deaf.

* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

 

[moreluck]

5 secrets to a good relationship......


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

[moreluck]

"Boat Names"

A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors:

Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)

Sir Osis of the River

Aqua Seltzer

Out to Launch

Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)

Meals on Reels

The Merri Yot

and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.

 

[moreluck]

Too Many Questions

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes

Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

 

[moreluck]

Stupid People Should Carry Signs...........
"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house , he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

 

[moreluck]

Beauty Tips......

"True beauty comes from within......within a really expensive day spa!"

"Smart women know that real beauty doesn't come from a drawer full of make-up.......You need at least 2 drawers."

"Natural" & "Beauty" go together like "Diet" & "Bearclaw".

"Surround yourself with ugly people."

"I don't believe it's true that blondes have more fun......It's just that their attention span is so short, everything seems new and exciting."

 

[moreluck]

Discussing the tax rates

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

 

[moreluck]

"Have you ever had a mental block when you’re trying to spell a word?" I asked my husband. I told him that I had wanted to withdraw $40 that day from our account, but I couldn’t remember if 40 was spelled "fourty" or "forty." "What did you do?" he asked. "I took out $50."

 

[moreluck]

"Flight 1234" advised the control tower, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger" the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir" replied the radar man, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

 

[moreluck]

Airline speak.........

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

 

[moreluck]

THE SEX FROG.....


A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do
what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing
happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says,"I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

 

[moreluck]

Not Me Sarge!

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

 

[moreluck]

Learned from little boys.....

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.


Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do
not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends,
with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[moreluck]

A Stanford research group
advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive
compulsive disorder. They
were looking for therapy
clients who had been
diagnosed with this disorder.
The response was gratifying;
about three days after the ad
came out they got 3,000
responses. All from the same
person

 

[moreluck]

On Holiday

On holiday in England, my husband and I often went to the village inn for a pint and the house specialty - fish ’n’ chips. One evening the innkeeper, in honor of the computer programmer convention the inn was hosting, rewrote his menu to read: “Fish ’n’ microchips.” Not to be outdone, the travel agent next door advertised two tours - one to a honey farm, the other to the coast. He advertised them as the “B drive” and the “C drive.”

 

[moreluck]

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.............


This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to
see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's preprogrammed in
your brain!


1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.


2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with you right
hand. Your foot will change direction.


I told you so!!!


And there's nothing you can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you
are going to try it again, if you've not already done so ! ! !

 

[moreluck]

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN THE OFFICE
​

I need to whip it out by 5:00.

Mind if I use your laptop?

Just stick it in my box.

If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

I want it on my desk NOW!

HHMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.

My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

It's an entry level position.

When do you think you'll be getting off today?

It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.​