Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,

looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,

his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ***t, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,

and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,

didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of

beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.

 

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The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. friendrisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts

 

[moreluck]

Mensa Word List

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational for 2006, asking readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating

 

[moreluck]

Ravine Golf

Four men were playing golf on the ninth hole where all drove off into the deep ravine hazard.
Only one man disappeared into the crevasse to continue play. Finally his ball bobbed out.
"How many strokes?"
"Three" he answered.
"Not six?"
"The others you heard were echoes."

 

[moreluck]

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is "UP".

UP........
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top
of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times
the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP
for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is
one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in
the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP
about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the
word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost
1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP
to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will
take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with
a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets
the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it
is time to shut UP! Oh ... one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing
you do at night? U-P.

 

[moreluck]

Hazardous Waste

My husband was presenting to teachers on his staff an after- school workshop on "Hazardous Materials in the Workplace" and asked me if I'd drop off some baked goods to be served with coffee. As I arranged the plates on the table, I was dismayed to see the sign he had placed beside them, until I noticed the spelling. It read "Hazardous Waist Material. Please help yourself."

 

[moreluck]

Duck Hunting
[FONT=Verdana,]Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?" [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Golfer and Doctor


A man was at the country club for his weekly round
of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the
first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one
when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he
was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before
heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal
best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes
and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the
doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went
ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I
hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the
ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your
last! For the rest of her life she will require
'round the clock care. And you'll be her care
giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and
sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said,

"Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Dictionary for women[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...![/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Golf Excuses

1. I keep second-guessing my shots.
2. I just cannot find the sweet spot today.
3. I drank too much coffee -- I have the shakes.
4. My usual group is much better than you guys. They raise my level of play.
5. I thought cross-handed putting was supposed to be the answer.
6. I've only been golfing for a couple years -- I don't have my swing down yet.
7. My hair gel evaporated and now my hair keeps getting into my eyes.
8. It hurts too much to practice, with the war injury and all.
9. I play for the exercise, not the score.
10. I'm used to playing night golf. This daytime stuff confuses me.
​

 

[moreluck]

Confusion

[FONT=Verdana,]Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her." [/FONT]

 

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Beat that score!

Two men were chatting casually at work. The conversation turned to golf and one asked the other, "Do you play?" "Yes", the younger man replied, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I consistently shot in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low intake of breath, then the other man said, "Lower seventies, huh?" "Yes," his coworker said."Consistently?" "Yup, Every hole," the man said with a sigh.

 

[moreluck]

Conventioneer

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich
Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

 

[moreluck]

THE LAW OF PHYSICS AS IT APPLIES TO GOLF


It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.


A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.


Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.


A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.


That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.


If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.


Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.


A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.


It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.


If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).


You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.


It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs if you are performing brain surgery.

 

[moreluck]

Interesting Concept......


A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to
our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with
this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.


The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into
the world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young
mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:
Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger,
he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
adventures, mysteries and comedies.


If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he
always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even
seemed able predict the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never
stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were
shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room
and read her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to
leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the
stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not
allowed in our home..... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime
visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made
my dad squirm and my mother blush.


My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not
even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were
sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of
my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.


More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with
our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as
he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you
would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to
him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?....

We just call him, "TV."

**Note: This should be required reading for every household in
America!**

He has a younger sister now. We call her "Computer.

 

[moreluck]

Golf.....

"George, why don't you play golf with Charlie anymore?" asked a friend.

"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" George asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will Charlie," replied George.

 

[moreluck]

Spoiled Kids........

After a late night studying for a high-school test, my daughter Liz asked me to drive her to school the next morning. We pulled into the parking lot to join a long line of parents dropping off their kids. “Kids these days,” I half joked. “Look at them all getting a ride just because it's raining. You're all so spoiled!”

“No, Mom,” Liz said patiently. “The spoiled kids are over there, parking their cars.”

 

[moreluck]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.


Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?


He reads the letter enclosed..


"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to
your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

 

[moreluck]

They sure are finding weird things to bet on.......

An online gambling site is taking bets on whether Heather Mills' artificial leg will fall off during her upcoming appearance on "Dancing with the Stars."

Mills, 39, the estranged wife of Beatle Paul McCartney, lost her left leg below the knee in a traffic accident in 1993. She is the first contestant on the hit ABC television show to compete with an artificial limb.

A week before Mills' March 19 debut, Antigua-based gaming site Online Poker, Sports Betting, Online Casino at Bodog Sportsbook opened bets on whether her prosthetic leg would fly off during a dance routine -- and made "no" a heavy favorite.

The site added that Mills' leg "must fall off, not be purposely taken off, during a dance routine for all Yes wagers to be graded a win."

Mills, a former model, has been upfront about her unique challenge. "It's very very unlikely my leg's going to fly off even though it would be quite funny to knock one of the judges out," she told U.S. celebrity TV show EXTRA last week.
"I'm hoping to show people that even with a prosthetic leg you can dance," Mills said.