Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Health Care Today
Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is X-rayed the same day, has a time
booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,
then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another month, and finally has surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is X-rayed the same day, has a time
booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,
then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another month, and finally has surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Blind Wal-Mart Clerk
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this
week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that
sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it
on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this
week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that
sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kid's Science Exam.....
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant,love this!)A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant,love this!)A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
moreluck
golden ticket member
CIGARETTE WARNINGS
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Date
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Cell Mates
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me "do" you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who "does", who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo.Moooooo. Mooooooon River wider than a..........
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me "do" you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who "does", who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo.Moooooo. Mooooooon River wider than a..........
moreluck
golden ticket member
My Job...
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thoughts......
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2 ?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles rockets and submarines be shaped differently?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2 ?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles rockets and submarines be shaped differently?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?
moreluck
golden ticket member
THE GOLD MEDALIST
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Old Penis Poem
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Just Screw It.......
I was trying to apply drywall to the bathroom ceiling of our new home, but for some odd reason the screws bounced back at me. I tried several different places, with the same result. Exasperated, I asked the advice of everyone I know, but no one could help. Finally, I invited my brother-in-law over. After unsuccessfully trying to drive in one more screw, I turned and saw him chuckling. "What's so funny?" I said sharply. "It generally works better when your drill isn't in reverse," Luke laughed.
I was trying to apply drywall to the bathroom ceiling of our new home, but for some odd reason the screws bounced back at me. I tried several different places, with the same result. Exasperated, I asked the advice of everyone I know, but no one could help. Finally, I invited my brother-in-law over. After unsuccessfully trying to drive in one more screw, I turned and saw him chuckling. "What's so funny?" I said sharply. "It generally works better when your drill isn't in reverse," Luke laughed.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Saleswoman
Frustrated at my attempts to find something suitable for my diminutive daughter to wear that didn't look like something for a child, I approached a rather harried-looking saleswoman. “What do you have for a petite woman about five feet tall, around 95 to 100 pounds?” The short, pleasantly plump clerk looked at me with a rueful smile. “Nothing but contempt,” she said.
Frustrated at my attempts to find something suitable for my diminutive daughter to wear that didn't look like something for a child, I approached a rather harried-looking saleswoman. “What do you have for a petite woman about five feet tall, around 95 to 100 pounds?” The short, pleasantly plump clerk looked at me with a rueful smile. “Nothing but contempt,” she said.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Auto Shop
Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.
"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.
Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."
"We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."
Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.
"Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.
Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."
"We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."
moreluck
golden ticket member
YOU KNOW IT'S A "NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...
* They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.* All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
* Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
* You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
* Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
* The ground crew uses jumper cables and an old pickup truck to start the engines.
* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thanks for the lift......
As a volunteer community care driver in our community, I had a client who needed to be taken to a hospital in Philadelphia once a month. The first four times, we arrived on time without problems, but the return trip was always something else: I consistently lost my way in a maze of city streets, and we ended up in the most unlikely places. At the end of the fourth trip my client told me the date of her next appointment.
“Are you sure you want me to drive you?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” she replied. “I lived in Philadelphia for 25 years, but I've seen more of it with you than I ever saw before!
As a volunteer community care driver in our community, I had a client who needed to be taken to a hospital in Philadelphia once a month. The first four times, we arrived on time without problems, but the return trip was always something else: I consistently lost my way in a maze of city streets, and we ended up in the most unlikely places. At the end of the fourth trip my client told me the date of her next appointment.
“Are you sure you want me to drive you?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” she replied. “I lived in Philadelphia for 25 years, but I've seen more of it with you than I ever saw before!
moreluck
golden ticket member
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
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