Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Other Shoe​

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

[upsace]

Here's the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term: Political Correctness

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

[upsace]

Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bull****ted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double',a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:








"Mom you still awake?"

 

[moreluck]

Gone Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Senior breakfast ........

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "senior special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"YES ! !" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS ! ! !
We've been around the block more than once !

 

[moreluck]

DOG AND CAT DIARIES

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now.

 

[moreluck]

Chase, my brother-in-law, was desperately trying to keep his five- year-old daughter awake while driving home one night. He sang, talked and played Sesame Street tapes. After a while, he realized things were too quiet in the backseat.

"Alexa," he called, "you're not sleeping, are you?"

A muffled voice replied, "No, Daddy. I'm just having a long blink."

 

[moreluck]

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."​

 

[moreluck]

Flowers
A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

 

[moreluck]

ooooooooooops

 

[moreluck]

OVER 60.....

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ yr. old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: Why should 60+ year olds use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park the car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."

 

[moreluck]

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

How many people thought of the Post-it Note before it was invented, but just didn't have anything to joy it down on?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

If a chronic liar tells you that he is a chronic liar, do you believe him?

If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

 

[The-UK-Guy]

Re: Heard any good ones?

why dont canibals eat clowns
cos they taste funny

 

[moreluck]

Things that Prison Guards hate...

1) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

2) Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

3) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

4) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

5) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

7) The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

8) Having a new neighbour move in next door who looks way too familiar.

9) Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex offender.

10) Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

11) Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.

 

[moreluck]

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

 

[moreluck]

How a Computer is Like a Man

1)In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

5) They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

 

[moreluck]

10 Things NOT To Say

Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument:

10- Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
9- Aww, you are so cute when you get all ticked off.
8- You're just upset because your a** is beginning to spread.
7- Wait a minute -- I get it. What time of the month is it?
6- You're sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
5- Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
4- Whoa, time out. Football is on.
3- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
2- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
1- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

 

[moreluck]

Life Insurance

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[moreluck]

When I was in my younger days
I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn't hold my tummy in
To wear a belted dress.

But now that I am older,
I've set my body free,
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven,
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.

I need to wear these glasses
As the prints were getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.

Though my hair has turned to silver
And my skin no longer fits
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
Just the outside's changed a bit.

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?

Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park.