Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Bad/Good/Bad..............


The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have
good news, and I have more bad news."

The congregation got quiet.

"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.

The congregation groaned.

"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof."

A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.

"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"

 

[moreluck]

STUPID WARNING LABELS!

How dumb do companies think we are? From the looks of the warning labels they slap on their products, they must believe we're complete morons!

Here, we've collected some of the most ridiculous advice from smartypants manufacturers:

•Sleeping Pills -- Caution: May make you drowsy.

•Lighters -- Contents flammable.

•Dog Shampoo -- The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

•Shampoo -- Intended for use on hair only -- not eyes.

•Stroller -- Remove infant before folding for storage.

•Curling Iron -- Not for internal use.

•Microwave Oven -- Do not use for drying pets.

•Child's Playhouse -- This is not a toy.

•Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush -- Do not use orally.

•King Size Mattress -- Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

•Can of Insecticide -- This spray is harmful to insects.

•Firecrackers -- Do not light while holding in mouth.

•Fat-Free Potato Chips -- May cause anal leakage.

•Peanut Butter -- Warning: May contain nuts.

•TV Dinner -- Remove plastic wrap cover before eating.

•Batteries -- Do not swallow. C or D batteries may cause choking.

•.22-Caliber Rifle -- May cause injury or death.

•Hardware Store Rotary Drill -- This product not intended for dental purposes.

•Hemorrhoid Suppositories -- Remove aluminum wrapping before insertion.

•Disposable Diapers -- Dispose of after use.

•Electric Cattle Prod -- For use on animals only.

 

[The-UK-Guy]

Re: Heard any good ones?

whats yellow and likes beatles Yoko ono

 

[The-UK-Guy]

Re: Heard any good ones?

I ate 1 of those viagras the other day but it got stuck in my throat , (lol) Ive had a stiff neck since

 

[The-UK-Guy]

Re: Heard any good ones?

pack yer bags hon I won the lotto, where we going ? whats this we ****

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.

2. Men may be From Mars...but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 

[Channahon]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and
the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws
and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the putt, didn't you?"

 

[moreluck]

• Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And... the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

 

[The-UK-Guy]

Theres a ship out at sea and every night 300 horny sailers and the captains dog **** this barrel that has a hole about waist high in it as there are no women aboard . anyway the ship crashes and the barrell washes up on this island whos sole enhabitents are a group of nuns . 2 of the sisters find the barrel and report it right away to the mother superiour. "Mother superior mother superior we have a gift from god, wax to make candle with"
about 9 months later all the nuns are haveing kids , so 2 sisters go report to the mother superior "Mother superior , Mother superior we are all having Babys "
" You think thats bad " the mother superior says " I just had puppies"

 

[moreluck]

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

 

[moreluck]

Replying to the Scientists' Ball Invitation . . .

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

 

[moreluck]

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology:

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

 

[moreluck]

No longer able to fit behind the wheel of our truck in my last month of pregnancy, I convinced my husband it was time to buy a minivan. On our way home from the dealership, I told him that I liked the vanity mirror, as it made my face look thin. “Your face is thin,” my loving husband replied. Just as I was ready to thank him for being so sweet, he said, “compared to the rest of you.”

 

[moreluck]

Save the Children ??

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
there are only three
parachutes.

The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
The lawyer yells out " THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

 

[moreluck]

Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE:

17 yrs "Burger King"

25 yrs. "Free meal"

35 yrs. "A diamond"

48 yrs. "A bigger diamond"

66yrs. "Home Alone"

 

[moreluck]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah
right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicle s. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The
woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and
ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in
the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very
confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon
attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were ,, or what we did ,, but, by God..we took first and second
place.

 

[moreluck]

KIN ??

Two good ole boys in an Oklahoma trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love
to your wife while you was off huntin and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

 

[moreluck]

Pain Relief......

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

 

[moreluck]

THE WORD

Did is a word of achievement,

Won't is a word of retreat,

Might is a word of bereavement,

Can't is a word of defeat,

Ought is a word of duty,

Try is a word each hour,

Will is a word of beauty,

But CAN is the word of power.

 

[moreluck]

Man of Steel

At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."