Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income (and you think it's normal)

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice it.

You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.

You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.

You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you
know darn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see
below).

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,
takes about "twenty minutes".

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the
same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe
sunburn.

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're
definitely driving.

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all the other states
because they don't have any.

Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

You eat pineapple on pizza.

Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your
head.

You think that Venice is a beach.

The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.

You know who the Tinsel Underwear dude at Venice Beach is.

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would
never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second
class. Best area code: "949/714." Nobody likes anyone from the
"909/951" because it stinks there.

You call 911 and they put you on hold.

You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday.

You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It
doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you
are just better than them, for whatever reason.

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a
McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a
Starbucks?)

You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five" mean.

You know the meaning behind the numbers of the 405 freeway.... because it
takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back.

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH".

The Terminator is your Governor.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
California!

 

[moreluck]

To all Pet Owners....

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The otherdishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print inthe middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becomingyour food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in theslightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't helpbecause I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorryabout this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensureyour comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when theysleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each otherstretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that stickingtails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end tomaximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If bysome miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is notnecessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your pawunder the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through thesame door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on ourfront door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
2. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11.If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

[moreluck]

What kind of clothes are there?

Women: clean & dirty.

Men: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty ,biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes).

 

[moreluck]

Why Hockey is Better Than Sex

It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.

 

[moreluck]

A TEXAS BLESSING.........

Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.

Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,

While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass

Fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please

Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,

The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,

In TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!

But this is home, and here we'll stay,

So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

 

[moreluck]

Having already downed a few power drinks, a very attractive women turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

'Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - -

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

 

[moreluck]

There's the story about the man working the night desk at the FBI office. They got a lot of wrong numbers, because it was similar to the pizza joint. One night he answered "FBI." When the caller hesitated, he said "You meant to call Dominoes ..."

The caller exclaimed "Wow, you guys really DO know everything!"

 

[traveler]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."


Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.



Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?


Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

 

[moreluck]

traveler....thanks for the explanation of the difference between an HMO and a PPO.

 

[moreluck]

RACING............

The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.

 

[moreluck]

Gone For Cotton​

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

 

[traveler]

An actual quote from today's restaurant review in the Orlando Sentinel:

"If you've been paying attention to the descriptions of the food, you may have noticed there isn't anything particularly citrusy about any of it. Neither is there anything fruitful about the interior's color scheme, which is dominated by brown -- brown napkins, brown wood tabletops, brown umbrellas, etc. I can only guess the developers chose the name Citrus because United Parcel Service wasn't available."

 

[moreluck]

You drink too much coffee if..............

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House" and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Jim Carrey thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are... coffee before and coffee after.

Your spouse uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 

[moreluck]

Killed at the Construction Site........

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

 

[moreluck]

The Experiment
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organize the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.


A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since." They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!"

 

[moreluck]

Exercise....

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.

 

[moreluck]

Maude and Claude......
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in
the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant
in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward,
Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they
were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

 

[moreluck]

Deal or No Deal...........

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

 

[moreluck]

JESUS and ELVIS - Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan?

JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.

JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS' very first band was a trio.

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

JESUSS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.

JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan?

 

[moreluck]

Definitions based on what the word sounds like when spoken out loud............


Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

Subdued: like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines.