Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Strange, but true.......

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under is cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.

The average person laughs 15 times a day.

 

[traveler]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten overenthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said...... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
never forget you."

 

[traveler]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"
​

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
​

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed , "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
​

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
​

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
​

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
​

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."
​

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
​

"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
​

 

[moreluck]

Oops, Made Mistake



Two die-hard golfers, Mike & Steve, are out playing a round when
a thunderstorm comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of
lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead.

Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to the two
men. "Sorry, but we made a mistake" says God, "it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now, I can send you back, but you have
to go back as someone different. It's just too confusing since
they already had the funerals. In fact your wives are already
dating"

After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God and
make their request

"We decided we want to go back as a couple of dykes" says Mike,

"... good looking dykes if you please" says Steve.

"That's no problem," replies God "but I must know why you guys
want to be dykes"

"Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to have sex
with woman..." says Mike,

"...plus" adds Steve " we get to play from the ladies tee."

 

[moreluck]

CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT: Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES: Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED: Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF: You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT: It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY: Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY: You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD: It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR: The patient doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect your doctor from exposure.

NEVER EVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE: This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

 

[moreluck]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"
the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I
majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act
like I'm listening."

 

[moreluck]

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[moreluck]

Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled
to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart
attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
touch your finger to the doorknob.

 

[moreluck]

Daily Zen Moments.........

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

[moreluck]

ODE TO PRESCRIPTIONS

A row of bottles on my shelf...
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I hope to pop...
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A white one that I take...
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones (that I use a lot)...
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple goes to my brain...
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
Or cough,or choke,or even wheeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones,so big and bright,
Stop my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of fancy pills;
Helping to cure all kinds of ills!

But what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go?

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

 

[moreluck]

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.

It's called Genitalia.

 

[moreluck]

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

 

[moreluck]

UPS man One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles."Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?""Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.""Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."

 

[moreluck]

Good Advice:​

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

[moreluck]

Proven Stress Reducers..........

1. Don't rely on your memory. Write down appointments, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc.

2. Get up 15 minutes earlier in the morning so you don't start the day feeling frazzled.

3. Keep a duplicate car key in your wallet.

4. An instant cure for most stress: 30 minutes of brisk walking or other aerobic exercise.

5. Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and erring, for sometime in life you will have been all of these.

6. Say "No, thank you" to extra projects you don't have the time or energy for.

7. Set up contingency plans-just in case, "If either of us is delayed," "If we get separated in the Mall, here's what we'll do..."

8. Put brain in gear before opening mouth. Before saying anything, ask yourself if what you are about to say is 1)True, 2) Kind, and 3) Necessary.

9. Stop worrying, If something concerns you, do something about it. If you can't do anything about it, let it go.

10. For every one thing that goes wrong, there are 50 to 100 blessings. Count them.

11. Learn to live one day at a time.

12. Every day, do at least one thing you really enjoy.

13. Don't sweat the small stuff.

14. Laugh!

15. Remember that the best things in life aren't things.

16. Add an ounce of love to everything you do.

17. If an unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with.

18. Do one thing at a time.

 

[moreluck]

You might be a Floridian if...............

"Down South" means Key West.

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.
Shoes are for business meetings and church.
No, wait -- flip-flops are good for church, too, unless it's Easter or
Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to
Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit, or seafood.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer
but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor:
"What kinda coke you want?"

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get on the best
rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a
boat yourself.

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish,
NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were eight years old before you realized they made houses without
pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends in the
Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.

 

[moreluck]

Value of Drinking.........

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49. If you had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not
the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans at a
redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

 

[moreluck]

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

 

[moreluck]

Thanks, Kid.............

One evening my husband and I were relaxing after dinner with friends. We were chatting about how we felt as we approached our mid-40s. "I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin as I get older," I said. Just then my 14-year-old son piped up with an ego- deflating, "That's because it's looser now, Mom."