Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Do I Look Fat ?????????

Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

 

[moreluck]

Grandma


Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

 

[moreluck]

The Arizona Diamondbacks failed to sell out their playoff tickets Thursday. They can only blame themselves. They built a roster of unselfish, hardworking team players who don't take steroids and don't get arrested, and nobody will pay a nickel to see them.

Argus Hamilton

 

[DS]

Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a saftey risk.This is another isuue I don't think President Bush understands .Like today Bush said "Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them"

Leno

 

[moreluck]

Wrong Answer.........

A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans. After several correct responses, he was asked, "Which company originated the phrase 'Good to the last drop?'"

The contestant thought for a moment and replied, "Otis Elevator?"

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers....

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

 

[moreluck]

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

 

[moreluck]

Job Hunting



Candice, a Registered Nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Candice was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the tuna casserole recipe."

 

[moreluck]

GLAD I'M A WOMAN.......

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess ....I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.... I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon.... Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.. Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons..... Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don't drive in circles at any cost .....So I don't have to admit when I am lost

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon .....Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men Listen to me boys Those things in your pants That you treat as toys

You love them more then we ever will .....We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date .....Only to find you're two hours late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore ........Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair I don't get jock itch And just cause I'm assertive Don't call me a b*tch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday ........The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I don't go to Sears To look at the tools I don't cheat at poker I follow the rules

I don't smoke cigars Don't pay for drinks at bars

I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi" ...........And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men Think that you're "IT" But compared to a woman You just ain't *****!

 

[moreluck]

Thin People

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

 

[moreluck]

PUNS 'R' US................

A good pun is its own reword.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

[moreluck]

The Vatican suspended Monsignor Tommaso Stenico after he was caught making gay advances to a young man on Italian television. He insists he's not gay. Within two hours, Monsignor Stenico was removed from office and elected to the Idaho Hall of Fame.

O.J. Simpson learned Monday a second co-defendant will testify against him. It's no big deal. O.J. will have no trouble convincing a jury he was looking for the real killer when he accidentally walked in on an armed robbery at the Palace Station hotel.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Headstones......

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

 

[moreluck]

I Want It.....

The big new SUV had just gone on sale, and John just had to have one.

He went to the dealership and looked at the behemoth. It weighed two tons, had 500 horsepower and the options included a ten-speaker satellite radio, video, GPS navigation and every other option one can imagine. He turned to the salesman and said, "I want it! How much?"

The salesman said, "I'm sorry, but this one has been sold and demand is so strong that we won't be able to get one for several months. But if you give me a deposit, I can guarantee delivery on June 1, 2008.

"So I can pick up the car on June 1, 2008. Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?"

The surprised salesman replied, "What difference does it make?"

"Well, the cable guy is coming that day."

 

[moreluck]

Church Football.....

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

 

[moreluck]

Attorney

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

 

[area43]

Hey More, since its Halloween time I guess a Halloween joke is in order.

Why is Halloween the West Virginia's favorite Holiday?

They get to Pump kin. LMAO

 

[traveler]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

[traveler]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[traveler]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a mancame upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?' 1

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'



He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'