Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

At the end of a very long shift, a waiter friend of mine was attenting six people who were taking their time deciding what to order. One woman changed her mind three times and then asked my friend if the restaurant poached their salmon.

He took a deep breath and counted to ten. "No, ma'am," he said, "I'm pretty sure they buy it."

 

[moreluck]

After the rookie pitcher walked a third straight batter, the manager strolled to the mound. "Son," he told the southpaw, "I think you've had enough."

"But look who's coming to bat," whined the rookie. "I struck this guy out the last time he was up."

"Yeah, I know," said the manager. "But this is still the same inning."

 

[traveler]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a
12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said....'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.' She said, 'Yes I will marry you because I love you sooo much and I will learn to live with your infant-sized penis.'



Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...as Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.







She said, 'You told me your penis was the size of an infant.'



'Yes, it is,' Herb replied.... 7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long...'

 

[moreluck]

Crusty Old Man ..........

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to
the secretary, "I want to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit! I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
Church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary need not listen to foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There's NO damn problem," the man says.
"I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join
this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money"

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[moreluck]

My husband was in the hospital following a stroke, when he had a serious setback and was rushed to intensive care where doctors worked to stabilize him. Thankfully, he came through this crisis. The next morning, a nurse came by to lower the head of his bed, "I'm going to put you down now," she said quietly. "Oh, that's too bad," my husband replied. "After all your hard work yesterday."

 

[moreluck]

OHIO............

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohioans...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Ohio.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Ohio.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Ohio.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Philadelphia for the weekend, you may live in Ohio.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio.

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Ohio.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio.

 

[moreluck]

MY HOMETOWN WAS SO SMALL...

The clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

Long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy

The town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight

In order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols

You had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

During snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter the local Motel 6 sleeps six

During a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

The class valedictorian had both the highest and lowest averages

The Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper

The municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik

Before you visited, you could look out a window and see who was home

There was no town idiot...everybody had to take turns

 

[moreluck]

The Genie

Three men, the Canadian Prime Minister, President Bush and Osama Bin Laden are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, that is three wishes total in reward for freeing me." says the Genie.
The Canadian Prime Minster says, " I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son also is a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF', the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so that no infidels can come into our precious state".
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
President Bush asks the Genie, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the entire country; nothing can get in or out -- the wall is virtually impenetrable."
President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."

 

[moreluck]

Golf Rules for Seniors

The AARP has negotiated with the USGA to modify the
RULES OF GOLF FOR SENIORS:

Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the
fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

RULE 2.D.6 (b)
A BALL HITTING A TREE SHALL BE DEEMED NOT TO HAVE HIT THE TREE. This is
simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player
must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the
tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or
near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else,
making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by
charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may
be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the
hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching
golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior
golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should
float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new
golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior
golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old
equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

 

[moreluck]

The Mistress.....

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

 

[moreluck]

Bubba died.......

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup,
his face is burned up pretty bad You better roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, I t ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had
two a$$holes." "What? He had two a$$holes?" asked the mortician.

Yup, said Gomer, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "
There's Bubba with them two a$$holes."

 

[cheryl]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

[moreluck]

TO PONDER..........

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

 

[moreluck]

Stay of Execution........


An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

 

[moreluck]

Eating Tips for the Holidays ............

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's the holidays!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted holiday cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

 

[moreluck]

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

 

[moreluck]

ACTUAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL EXCUSE NOTES...........

"Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

"Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

"Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

"Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."

"Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting."

"It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."

"Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."

"Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."

"Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM."

"Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."

 

[moreluck]

Readers Submissions...........

When temperatures plunged to 26 degrees below zero Fahrenheit, the Rockford, Ill., Register Star asked its readers to finish the sentence, "It was so cold that..." Here are some of the responses:

.you could freeze an egg on the sidewalk.

.I had to go up and break the smoke off my chimney.

.we opened the refrigerator to heat the house.

.when police saw a bank-robbery suspect & said, "Freeze!" he did.

.I let my dog out, and I had to break him loose from the tree.

 

[moreluck]

3 frenchmen

Three Frenchmen were trying to define savoir faire, or know- how. "If I go home," said Alphonse, "and find my wife with another man, and I say 'Excuse me' and leave, that is savoir faire." "No" replied Pierre, "if I go home and find my wife with another man and I say 'Excuse me, please continue,' that is savoir faire." "On the contrary" said Jacques, "if I go home and find my wife with another man and I say 'Excuse me, please continue,' and he can continue, then he has savoir faire."

 

[moreluck]

Signs of the world.........

Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."