Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[traveler]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Humanbeings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories couldbecome, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, hejumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary,", said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty arched his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'........andbefore he could say 'Fu&*' the Rottweiler ate him!"

 

[upsace]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car. . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it when he got out of his car. . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

........ . . and that's when the fight started . .

 

[area43]

Hey Traveler,

Or maybe your Moreluck. Hey what did you do to my Honey, More. Identity Theft. Don't tell me she left me. Shame on you Traveler. Stealing my or one of my girls. Hey, dont tell anyone. Or at least the other girls. Sammie, Cheryl, Chan, Braze, Aspen, and Amy. (Area 43 crying his eyeballs out) More, Honey.... Please, Pretty Plezzzzz. I wuv you. Hey remember Elmer Fudd. LMAO.

Ok, so I got off topic just a tad. Let me think of a Joke. (area scratching his gorde, head). Why can't witches have Babies? Because the male witches have Halloweenies. LOL I just made that up. Hmmmm. Why does Dracula live in a Coffin? Because its Low rent. Ok, I know they are getting worse. If I had two brains, one would die of loneliness.

 

[moreluck]

High Tech Restaurant........

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked,Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh... 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

 

[moreluck]

Halloween Definitions......

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals as he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

 

[moreluck]

Words That Should Exist.....

Arachnidiot - Description of a person who wanders into an "invisible" spider web and flails around, gyrating wildly, trying to rub it off.

Cheedle - The residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos

Deodorend - The last 1/2 inch of a stick deodorant that won't push up, making the tube good only for underarm lacerations.

Kawashocky - Pulling into what you thought was an empty parking space, only to discover a motorcycle is parked there.

Mowmuffins - The accumulated clumps of dried grass on the underside of the lawn mower.

Pajangle - Waking up to find your pajamas have turned 180 degrees around while you were sleeping.

Scribbobics - Warm up exercises to get the ink in a pen flowing.

Snackmosphere - The empty yet explosive layer of air at the top of a bag of potato chips or other snackage.

Spudrubble - The unclaimed fries that have fallen to the bottom of the fast food sack.

(By Rich Hall)

 

[moreluck]

Hillary Clinton surged to a thirty-one point lead in the nationwide polls last week, two months before the primaries begin. Her camp is getting cocky. Bill Clinton dropped by the White House on Tuesday to measure the Oval Office for privacy curtains.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.

What do you give a vampire with a cold? Coffin Drops.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle

Why did the vampire joined the police force? So he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings? Lazy bones

What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish? It came back with a skeleton crew

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

 

[moreluck]

TRICK OR TREATING BY STAR SIGN.....

Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.

Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.

Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.

Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.

Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.

Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.

Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

 

[moreluck]

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very
careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised
to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he
asked.

"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

 

[moreluck]

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.

"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will John," replied Bob.

 

[moreluck]

RESUME DICTIONARY....

Bright: Wears a lot of yellow and red...usually together.

Intelligent: Got a gold star for spelling in first grade.

Computer Literate: Knows the difference between a mouse and a monitor.

Excellent Communication Skills: Knows everybody's personal business.

Detailed Oriented: Will spend eight hours perfecting a two-minute job.

Prompt: First one out the door at quitting time.

Conscientious: Knows exactly how much sick time and holiday time he has left.

Friendly: Watch out for attractive members of your staff.

Honest: Gossip.

Dependable: Can depend on them to be the last one there in the morning.

 

[moreluck]

Confused Child.......

My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears--one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.

When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress.

"See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

 

[moreluck]

New Manhood
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

 

[moreluck]

Work​

A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

 

[moreluck]

Evaluating this painting

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

 

[moreluck]

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, "Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?" "They're from the Vancouver." Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if ...

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS & NOTICES

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

 

[moreluck]

Say goodbye to daylight-saving time this weekend. (Nov. 4th 2007 )

The days are growing shorter...

The leaves are falling too...

The sun sinks early in the sky...

Until it is no longer, blue...

The clock is quickly ticking...

It is that time of year...

When we need to be reminded...

The time to turn our clocks is here...

We move an hour of daylight…

To the morning from the night…

If you forget to do it…

It could be a terrible fright…

Turn them back, not forward...

And if you do it right...

You will be able to enjoy...

An extra hour of sleep tonight...