Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing the
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas In my favorite case, a
concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years a go a woman was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and
the horse's arse. I was able to put them together and now she's running for
President.

 

[moreluck]

Home Depot Alert

A 'Heads Up' for those of us who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, 17th, & 24th. Also October 1st, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.

 

[moreluck]

The Maid wanted a pay increase. Madam was very upset about this and
asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: " Well Madam, there are 3 reasons why I want an increase."
"First, I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria, "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh"

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam: ( very upset now ) "Did the Master say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

------ (SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE) ----
​

 

[moreluck]

Maxine's Top Ten Tips to Entertaining​

1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny tail!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.

 

[moreluck]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was
a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a
moments notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
still work to do.

 

[moreluck]

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't trip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!!

 

[moreluck]

Red Cross president Mark Everson was fired by the board of directors Wednesday after he admitted to having an adulterous affair in the workplace. The staff at the relief agency was reported to be furious at him. Those cots are for storm victims.

NBC confirmed Tuesday it may start firing Tonight Show staffers as the writers' strike goes into its fourth week. They could all lose their houses. If this strike doesn't end soon, the entire Tonight Show staff may end up sleeping in Jay Leno's cars.

President Bush drew good reviews Wednesday for his determined effort in Middle East talks. For seven years, Republicans have shown little interest in keeping the prospects of peace alive. They've got their hands full just keeping Dick Cheney alive.

Senator Teddy Kennedy signed the richest political book deal in history Monday to write his memoirs. He's been keeping detailed notes throughout his career. His co-author now faces the daunting task of collating a hundred thousand cocktail napkins.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

A Blond woman was weed eating her yard and accidently cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WalMart.

Why WalMart ??

Hellooooo,

Walmart is the largest re-tailer in the world !!

 

[moreluck]

Being in Prison Versus Being a Housewife​

• In prison you get three square meals a day.
  At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
• In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
  At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.
• In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
  At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
• In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
  At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
• In prison all your medical care is free.
  At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
• In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
  At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
• In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
  At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
• In prison you get your own personal toilet.
  At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
• In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
  At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
• In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
  At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
• In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
  At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
• In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
  At home...
  stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

 

[moreluck]

Contagious Virus
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door

 

[moreluck]

Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."&nb sp;

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."​

 

[moreluck]

PARENTAL DEFINITIONS OF COMMON TERMS............

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she/he begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house

 

[moreluck]

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee stole the show at the GOP debate on CNN Wednesday with his wit and jokes and Bible knowledge. What a breakthrough. It was the first time in history that a cable network ever booked a clean Christian comedian.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Thursday at the huge Saddleback Church in Orange County. The evangelicals could do little but applaud politely. The Santa Ana winds had caused the fire marshals to declare a red flag alert, which means no witch burning.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

 

[moreluck]

Lawyer's personal injury

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

 

[moreluck]

Why Hanukkah Is Better Than Christmas.........

1. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special"

2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).

3. No need to clean the chimney.

4. There's no latke-nog.

5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.

6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.

7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".

8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl".

9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

 

[moreluck]

Real Signs.....

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

 

[moreluck]

Real newspaper headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

 

[moreluck]

Signs of the Season......

From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

- Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."

- From a department store ad: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

- In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras - $70,000. Three for $200,000.

- In a Jenny Craig ad: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

- In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything - a calendar to remind him when payments are due."