Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Jury Selection..................

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.

"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Henderson?"

"None whatsoever," Henderson answered.

"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.

"Certainly not in this case."

 

[moreluck]

HANUKAH SONGS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON.........

Oy to the World

Schlepping Through A Winter Wonderland

Hava Negilah - The Barking Dog Version

Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Enough With the Jingle Bells Already ... Sheez!

Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzo

Come On Baby, Light My Menorah

We Three Rabbis

Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!

 

[moreluck]

Oprah Winfrey campaigned for Barack Obama at an Iowa stadium Saturday. They're a great team. Every time Barack Obama made a point about health care, education or foreign policy, Oprah would rattle a set of car keys and the crowd would go crazy.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Smartest in Class

Despite very little effort on his part, my son Martin had done quite well in third grade. One night he announced over dinner that his friend Robert was the smartest in class and had gotten all A's on his report card. Hoping that my son would realize how some more effort would produce similar results:

I said, "What would you have to do to be the smartest in the class?"

After some thought, Martin replied, "Get rid of Robert?"

 

[moreluck]

Love Terms​

• Attraction
  the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
  
• Love at First Sight
  what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
  
• Dating
  the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
  
• Birth Control
  avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
  
• Easy
  a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
  
• Prig
  a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
  
• Eye Contact
  a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
  
• Friend
  a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
  
• Indifference
  a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
  
• Interesting
  a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
  
• Irritating Habit
  what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.
  
• Law of Relativity
  how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
  
• Nymphomaniac
  a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
  
• Frigid
  a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.
  
• Sober
  condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
  
• Nag
  a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

 

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know About Life
I Learned From Shopping​

• Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
• If it's on sale, you need it.
  
• Never ask your mother her opinion.
  
• You can always take it back.
  
• You'll grow into it.
  
• By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
  
• Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".
  
• If they're working on commission, they're lying.
  
• Know when to yell, "Charge!"
  
• So many malls, so little time.
  
• If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.
  
• Always try to spend someone else's money first.
  
• There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.
  
• Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
  
• If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.
  
• You can always get more credit.
  
• If you want it, you deserve it.

 

[moreluck]

Ten things to say about gifts you don't like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well...

6. I really don't deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

 

[moreluck]

Ball Marker.........

A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro
if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big
smile hands the guy a quarter.

 

[moreluck]

What Do You Get When You Cross.............

A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.

A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.

A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.

A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.

A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.

A fawn with a hornet? Bambee

A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.

A canary with a mole? A miner bird.

A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.

A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.

A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.

An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.

An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.

A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.

 

[moreluck]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells, Jingle

 

[moreluck]

The White House released President Bush's list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The president pardoned carjackers and moonshiners and cocaine dealers and marijuana growers. He does whatever it takes to make sure the NFL can field twenty-eight teams.

Mike Huckabee angered Mormons Tuesday when he told the New York Times he thinks Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. He should lay off complex theological questions. It's hard enough for Americans to believe that George and Jeb are brothers.

Senator Teddy Kennedy just signed the richest publishing deal in history to write his autobiography and have it ready for release in two years. The book itself could save lives. In case of an emergency it can be used as a flotation device.

~ Argus Hamilton ~

 

[moreluck]

Mis-heard Christmas Carol Lyrics................


Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly...

We three kings of porridge and tar..

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me..

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

In the meadow we can build a snowman. Then pretend that he is sparse and brown.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice...

Noel. Noel. Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim...

Olive, the other reindeer... You'll go down in listerine!

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say...

Slee-eep in heavenly peas...

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay...

Come, froggy faithful...

 

[moreluck]

ASSUMPTIONS........about Him/Her.................

THE FAMILY PICTURE IS ON HIS DESK: He must be a solid, responsible family man. THE FAMILY PICTURE IS ON HER DESK: She probably puts her family before her career.

HIS DESK IS CLUTTERED: He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man. HER DESK IS CLUTTERED: She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

HE IS TALKING WITH HIS CO-WORKERS: He must be discussing the latest deal. SHE IS TALKING WITH HER CO-WORKERS: She must be gossiping.

HE'S NOT IN THE OFFICE: He's meeting a customer. SHE'S NOT IN THE OFFICE: She must be out shopping.

HE'S HAVING LUNCH WITH THE BOSS: He's on his way up. SHE'S HAVING LUNCH WITH THE BOSS: They must be having an affair.

THE BOSS CRITICIZED HIM: He'll improve his performance. THE BOSS CRITICIZED HER: She'll be very upset.

HE GOT AN UNFAIR DEAL: Did he get angry? SHE GOT AN UNFAIR DEAL: Did she cry?

HE'S GETTING MARRIED: He'll get more settled. SHE'S GETTING MARRIED: She'll get pregnant and leave.

HE'S HAVING A BABY: He'll need a raise. SHE'S HAVING A BABY: She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

HE'S GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP: It's good for his career. SHE'S GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP: What does her husband say?

HE'S LEAVING FOR A BETTER JOB: He knows how to recognize a good opportunity. SHE'S LEAVING FOR A BETTER JOB: Women are not dependable.

 

[moreluck]

Why Dogs Should Be In Politics...

* They work well together.

* They work for the good of the pack.

* They protect their young and their elders.

* They do not kill indiscriminately.

* They do not lie, cheat or steal.

* They won't spend money redecorating the White House.

* They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews.

* Their don't wear designer clothes.

* They don't ask you to indulge in their fantasies.

* They can be NEUTERED!

 

[Channahon]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer & liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. ?Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom & we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs & says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."

 

[moreluck]

Indian Toilet Paper
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

 

[moreluck]

New York Yankees star pitchers Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte headlined a list of eighty-six ballplayers named in the Mitchell Report Thursday. Only one player was willing to comment for the record. Sammy Sosa insisted he didn't take any stereos.

The Weather Channel said snowstorms hit New Hampshire Thursday. It's a campaign issue. John Edwards blamed it on rich people who want to ski, Hillary didn't recall seeding the clouds, and Barack Obama denied that Snowplow was his nickname in college.

Al Gore spoke at the U.N. climate conference in Bali Friday, where he scolded the U.S. for lack of concern over global warming. Republicans have a nickname for people who are worried about the threat that winter is disappearing. They call them non-golfers.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

A young woman was describing her date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"Then what happened?" asked her friend.

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the young woman responsed.

"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.

"Not a bit. In the end, we went back to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

 

[traveler]

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers,Florida. She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

" I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

" Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted. "Do you like pusillanimous cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, She gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[moreluck]

Replacement of Lab Rats......
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?" "Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?" "There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."