Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Subject: Humorous Facts



In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.


In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.


In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.


About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.


An average person laughs about 15 times a day.


Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.


Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.


The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.


The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.


The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.


A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.


The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.


The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.


Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.


America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.


% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.


When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with
his teeth.


In 1681, the last dodo bird died.


A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.


The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.


An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.


Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

 

[moreluck]

Don't Say That......


A second grade teacher had a small group of children seated around a table for a reading group.

After the story had been read, she gave the children a work sheet to do.


The children were working hard when the teacher heard a little girl softly say, "Sheeeit!"

The teacher leaned over and quietly said to the little girl, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl's eyes got very large as she innocently looked up at the teacher and said, "Not even when everything's all fr*cked up?"

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Office Christmas Party


10. "I think the icing on this cake is white-out"

9. "The bar will be open from 9:00 to 9:05"

8. "I've never seen chunky egg nog before"

7. "My New Year's resolution is to stop videotaping the men's room"

6. "Ooh, another windbreaker with the company logo - - This will help me put my kids through college"

5. "You're supposed to sit naked on the xerox machine, not the shredder"

4. "Put on Regis Philbin's Christmas album"

3. "Why is Shecky naked?"

2. "There's Letterman - - Get him!"

1. "Yeah, a glass of watery cider and a cookie makes up for a year of bull**it"

 

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE WISCONSINITE WHEN:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten
cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going up north past Hwy 8 for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again.

6. Your whole family wears Packer Green to church on Sunday.

7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings and funerals ).

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife or girlfriend
knows how to use them.

12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
wit h snow.

15. You refer to the Packers as "we."

16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.

17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

18. You have no problem pronouncing Lac Du Flambeau.

19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.

20. You know how to polka.

21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.

22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

23. Down South to you means Illinois .

24. A brat is something you eat.

25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

26. You go out to a fish fry every Friday

27. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

28. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

29. You find minus twenty degrees "a little chilly."

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Wisconsin friends.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?

A: Don King.

 

[moreluck]

Things I Wish I'd Known
Before I Went Out In The Real World​

• Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
• Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
• When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
• Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats.
• Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it is funny.
• You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
• The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
• If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.
• I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
• Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
• Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
• Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
• Work is good but it's not that important.
• Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
• And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[moreluck]

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is

to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The

following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support

Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it

another way... Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the

forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. fathered

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all men look the same to me in the dark.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about egss earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right, you are all paying taxes to support these dim bulbs!

 

[moreluck]

If Men Ruled The World.................

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
6. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
7. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
8. "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
9. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
10. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
12. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
13. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
14. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
15. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
16. "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
17. Regis and Oprah would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
18. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
19. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
20. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
21. Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
22. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
23. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
24. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
25. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
26. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
27. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

[moreluck]

Osama Letter
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

 

[moreluck]

Hollywood Dictionary​

• Verbs
  • To schmooze ... befriend scum
  • To pitch ... grovel shamelessly
  • To brainstorm ... feign preparedness
  • To research ... procrastinate indefinitely
  • To network ... spread misinformation
  • To collaborate ... argue incessantly
  • To freelance ... collect unemployment
• Nouns
  • Agent ... frustrated lawyer
  • Lawyer ... frustrated producer
  • Producer ... frustrated writer
  • Writer ... frustrated director
  • Director ... frustrated actor
  • Actor ... frustrated human
• Compound Words
  • High concept ... low brow
  • Production values1 ... gore
  • Production values2 ... explosions
  • Entry level ... pays nothing
  • Network approved ... has made them money before
  • Highly qualified ... blew the producer
• Financial Terms
  • Net ... something that apparently doesn't exist
  • Gross ... Michael Eisner's salary
  • Back End ... you, if you think you'll ever see any
  • Residuals ... braces for the kids
  • Deferral ... don't hold your breath
  • Points ... see "-Net" or "-Back End"
• Common Phrases
  • You can trust me ... You must be new
  • It needs some polishing ... Change everything
  • It shows promise ... It sucks
  • It needs some fine tuning ... Change everything
  • She got great press ... She'll never live down the embarrassment
  • I'd like some input ... I want total control
  • It needs some honing ... Change everything
  • Call me back next week ... Stay out of my life
  • It needs some tightening ... Change everything
  • Try and punch it up ... I have no idea what I want
  • It needs some streamlining ... Change everything
  • It's all up on the screen ... You'll never find the money I embezzled
  • You'll never work in this town again ... I have no power whatsoever

 

[moreluck]

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard ?
A: Fourth grade

 

[moreluck]

Name That Christmas Tune...........................

The following Christmas carols might hve been written by government officials. Can you guess the original titles?

1. Move Hither The Entire Assembly Of Those Who Are Loyal In Their Belief

2. Embellish Interior Passageways

3. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist

4. First Person Singular Experiencing An Hallucinatory Phenomenon Of A Natal Celebration Devoid Of Color

5. Soundless Nocturnal Period

6. Majestic Triplet Referred To In The First Person Plural

7. The Yuletide Occurance Preceding All Others

8. Precious Metal Musical Devices

9. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males

10. Caribou With Vermillion Olfactory Appendage

11. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend

12. Jovial Yuletide Desired For The Second Person Singular Or Plural By The First Person Plural

13. Commence Auditory Reception The Announcing Cherubs Vocalize

14. Kris Kringle Will Be Arriving In The City In The Not Too Distant Future

15. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During The Period Between December 21st And March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere

16. Its Arrival Occurred At Twelve O'Clock During A Clement Nocturnal Period

17. Exclamatory Remark Concerning A Diminutive Municipality In Judea Southwest Of Jerusalem

| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Answers: | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |

1. O Come All Ye Faithful,

2. Deck The Halls,

3. The Little Drummer Boy,

4. I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas,

5. Silent Night,

6. We Three Kings,

7. The First Noel,

8. Silver Bells,

9. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,

10. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,

11. Let It Snow,

12. We Wish You A Merry Christmas,

13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,

14. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,

15. Walking In A Winter Wonderland,

16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear,

17. O Little Town Of Bethlehem

 

[moreluck]

Boss of the Year

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

 

[moreluck]

'Strange' Christmas Story .........


'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those creeps from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little sch*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

 

[705red]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipate d.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[moreluck]

Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual .....


Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance:
"High," and "Ultra High."
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her.

 

[705red]

Abrand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.
You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens aNew Wives store just across the street.

The1st floor has wives that love sex.



The2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.




The3rdthrough6th floors have never been visited

 

[moreluck]

I know why I have migraines


The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

But he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he slowly realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."


He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

"Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. It
fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
>
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and gi ve you one hell
of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion .. Priceless

 

[moreluck]

Sales talk.....

The manager of a ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sales clerks a little talking-to. "Judy, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Judy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Judy's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Judy nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did: 'fantastic.'"

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Tina," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you use to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Tina shrugged. "I used to say, "Do I look like I care?"

 

[moreluck]

Barry Bonds arrived at a federal courthouse in San Francisco on Friday with thousands of cameras flashing. He tried to enter the building through the back entrance but they made him go through the front door. That's the way Dr. King would have wanted it.

~Argus Hamilton~