Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

CHRISTMAS FORECAST............

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.

By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know About Life
I Learned From a Snowman​

• It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
• Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
• Wearing white is always appropriate.
• Winter is the best of the four seasons.
• It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
• There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
• The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
• We're all made up of mostly water.
• You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
• Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
• Don't get too much sun.
• It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
• It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
• There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

 

[moreluck]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the nativity when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

 

[moreluck]

I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

 

[moreluck]

WHAT REINDEER TALK ABOUT DURING THEIR CHRISTMAS FLIGHT

10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"

9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?"

8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE!"

7. "Sure...HIS seat is a floatation device. What about us?"

6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."

5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."

4. "HEY!" Watch the antlers there, buddy!"

3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"

2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingle bells really get annoying!"

1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

 

[moreluck]

The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn't win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honors with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."

 

[moreluck]

DO YOU KNOW SANTA'S TRUE PROFESSION?

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

 

[moreluck]

My Appetite is My Shepherd​

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

 

[moreluck]

FISHING TERMS EXPLAINED..........

HOOK: (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

LINE: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for leftovers instead.

TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

TEST: (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

 

[moreluck]

Real Signs.............

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

 

[moreluck]

A health expert is giving a talk on well-being in a town hall. "The best way to start the day is to do five minutes light exercise, and five minutes of deep breathing." says the expert. "Then I take short hot shower, and feel rosy all over." A voice from the back of the hall shouts. "Tell us more about Rosie!"

 

[moreluck]

Hopping Down The Tracks
A brunette was hopping down the railroad tracks saying, "21! 21! 21!"
As she is doing this, a blonde sees her hopping. She decides it looks like fun, so she starts doing the same thing. The blonde and brunette were still hopping and saying, "21! 21! 21!", when they heard a train whistle. The brunette jumped out of the way just in time, but the blonde got run over. As soon as the train passed, the brunette got back on the tracks and started chanting, "22! 22! 22!"

 

[moreluck]

Dining Out....

My husband and I were dining out with our children one evening. Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back. When she got up to leave, we encouraged Joe to say goodbye. She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night, young man."

Joe looked up at her, with an equally big smile, and said, "Good night, old lady."

 

[moreluck]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:​

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.​

OPRAH:​

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.​

GEORGE W. BUSH:​

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.​

COLIN POWELL:​

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...​

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:​

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.​

JOHN KERRY:​

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.​

NANCY GRACE:​

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.​

PAT BUCHANAN:​

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.​

DR SEUSS:​

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.​

JERRY FALWELL:​

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road It's as plain and as simple as that.​

BARBARA WALTERS:​

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.​

JOHN LENNON:​

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ​

ARISTOTLE
:​

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.​

BILL GATES:​

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ...... reboot.​

ALBERT EINSTEIN:​

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?​

BILL CLINTON:​

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?​

AL GORE:​

I invented the chicken!​

COLONEL SANDERS:​

Did I miss one?​

DICK CHENEY :​

Where's my gun?​

AL SHARPTON:​

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.​

 

[moreluck]

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. .........................

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

 

[traveler]

Tiffany's Store

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to 5h1t when I tell you the price.'

 

[moreluck]

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

 

[moreluck]

Boeing......

Several months ago I went on a business trip to the enormous Boeing factory in Redmond, WA, where I was able to crawl on and around several 747s, 767s, and 777s airliners in various stages of assembly.

I noticed that the engines aren't attached until the rest of the plane is pretty much assembled. To keep the airplanes from tipping while work crews are in the fuselage, enormous weights are hung from chains on the wings, dangling above the floor like bizarre Christmas ornaments. Each weight is a solid slab of steel the size of golf cart and is painted with fluorescent, reflective yellow paint.

Most interesting is the boldface label stenciled on each side of the weight: "7,800 LBS. REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT".

 

[moreluck]

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Don't pay her.

 

[moreluck]

How to charge them

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.