Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The New Hampshire primary could narrow the field of presidential candidates today. Everyone's battling for the mantle of change. Last night Barack Obama called for change, John Edwards said he's the agent of change, Hillary Clinton said she had already made change, and Ron Paul's supporters gave him another ten million and change.

Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses by a landslide Saturday. He was finally able to communicate what he can offer the American people. Forget national security and taxes, everyone wants to know how they can look the same as they did thirty years ago.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

What is the differencebetween mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[moreluck]

Legally Speaking​

A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"

 

[moreluck]

All I Need To Know About Life
I Learned From Trees​

• It's important to have roots.
  
• In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
  
• Don't pine away over old flames.
  
• If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
  
• Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
  
• Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
  
• If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
  
• To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
  
• Grow where you're planted.
  
• It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
  
• Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
  
• Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
  
• If the party gets boring, just leaf.
  
• You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
  
• It's more important to be honest than poplar.

 

[moreluck]

Cartoon Psychoanalysis

Which is your favorite character?

1) Tazmanian Devil
2) Tweety
3) Marvin the Martian
4) Scooby Doo
5) Daffy Duck
6) Pepe LePew
7) Sylvester
8) Speedy Gonzales
9) Bugs bunny

Scroll down when you decide which one is your favorite. Remember, do not cheat. Pick your character before scrolling down.







If you like .............

1) Tasmanian Devil -> You are wacky and crazy!!! You are the centre of attention at parties. You love Food and are always causing chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one that makes the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you say "player"?!?

2) Tweety -> aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone loves you 'cause you're so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, people are jealous of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical "long-relationship" kinda person. You LOVE cuddling but P.D.A is not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships (family, etc...) you always go to your friends for advice. Tweety-Lovers are great listeners.

3) Marvin the Martian -> You are DEFINITELY in control of your life. People say you're a "Control Freak". You're the kind of person who is ALWAYS paranoid with unimportant issues, but that's ok 'cause there is always someone there to relieve that paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been hardships for you but just remember that you're in control.

4) Scooby Doo -> Let's face it, people around you find you quite annoying sometimes. Whether it would be the whining or nagging, but it's driving your friends crazy. If you have problems in life, just keep them on the "DL". To get on the positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best advice for Scooby Doo Lovers is to deal with your problems on your OWN.

5) Daffy Duck -> You are annoying in this cute sorta way. People love being around you because of your utter goofiness. Making people laugh is your speciality. Daffy Lovers think there is a soul mate out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but your "soul mate" will be there, CLOSER than you think.

6) Pepe Le Pew -> You are the sweetest and most loveable person there is. Guys/Girls love being around your "charmed" personality. When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, no question about it, Pepe Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's hard to please you but it is very easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always will be. Not only talking about boyfriends/girlfriends, but family or friends. If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves you and is there. I would have to say that Peppe Lovers are the luckiest.

7) Sylvester -> You are very fun-loving and easy to please. People are always talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a life time for you. You are very unique in a good way. People wanna be like you and find you as a "cool" person. Love is easy for you to find. Your motto would probably be "smile".

8) Speedy Gonzales -> You are ambitious and always heading for your goal. You are a very "fast" thinker and intelligent. It's often genetic in Speedy Gonzales Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time, unfortunately, but you always have your family supporting you. For you, FAMILY always comes 1st.

9) Bugs Bunny -> You are definitely the bestest friend a person can ever have. You're wise and always thinking of ideas. Bugs lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everything. Love is ALWAYS there for you. Fooling around is your speciality. The word Relationship is not in your vocabulary.

 

[moreluck]

The Family Tree​

In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel. I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while
Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

 

[moreluck]

Dishonest Lawyer.........

A dishonest lawyer bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When he paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

 

[moreluck]

Congress moved baseball's steroid hearings back a month Thursday. They want to depose players under oath before they testify. Roger Clemens' lawyer told him to take the fifth, but he's afraid the Wild Turkey will interact with the steroids and kill him.

Sir Edmund Hillary died at home in New Zealand Thursday. He was the first ever to scale Mt. Everest fifty years ago. When the newspaper landed on Bill Clinton's driveway with the headline Hillary Dead, he called Hooters and asked if they do wakes.

Fox News anchor Brit Hume moderated a GOP debate Thursday and he snarled every time Ron Paul was cheered for demanding for a pullout from Iraq. The network must keep the war going for the ratings. Who's going to watch Nursery Stories with Oliver North?

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

Theme Songs for Biblical Characters​

• Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
• Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
• Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
• Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
• Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
• Moses: "The Wanderer"
• Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
• Samson: "Hair"
• Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
• Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
• Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
• Peter: "I'm Sorry"
• Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
• Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
• Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
• The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
• Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
• Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
• Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
• Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

 

[moreluck]

Hillary Clinton's Indian name

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in
upper New York State .She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'yes' for every Indian issue that came to
her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most
enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name -
"Walking Eagle".

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the
group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so Full of it can no longer fly.

 

[moreluck]

Fighter Pilot.........

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the
local Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, " I'll take a
6114 monkey, please."

The storekeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and
took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed
it to the Gunny, saying, "that'll be $1,000." The Gunny paid and left
with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft
flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a perimeter
defense and perform the duties of ASDO with no mistakes. It's well
worth the money."

The tourist spotted another monkey in a cage. "That one's even more
expensive ---$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct at
all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O, I, and Depot

levels, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey
indeed'" replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a

cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed,
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the
world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play
with himself, but his papers say he's a fighter pilot."

 

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know About Birthdays
I Learned From My Cat!​

• Be finicky - they'll try harder to please you.
• Give attitude - get attention.
• If you don't like your presents, SULK.
• If you get bored at your party - just curl up for a nap.
• Don't stress out over your first grey whisker
• Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
• Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.
• Take the day off and lie in the sun.
• Stay out on the prowl all night long.
• Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.
• It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.
• Act catty - toy with your presents before you tear them open.
• Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.
• If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.
• Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!
• And remember...curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

 

[traveler]

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000. Many men feel it is worth it.

​

 

[moreluck]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE ........
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through ATM machines enabling
customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window. < /SPAN>
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part
is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required
amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access
to machine due to its excessive distance
from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary
with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[moreluck]

The Woman's Code

by Cheryl Lavin: The secret rules that women live by but rarely divulge to men.



Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to carry your packages or drive.

Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob job.

When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail. Leave nothing out.

The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.

Feet are flexible and can be made to fit into shoes varying from size 7 to 9, depending on what's on sale.

You can skimp on clothes, but a good bra is worth its weight in gold. (That's Victoria's secret.)

The Patricia Principle: The more you've been trying to attract the attention of a particular man, the more likely it is that you'll run into him when you're sweaty, short of sleep, without makeup, wearing house-painting clothes, with your hair in a bandanna.

The best response to a married man who's hitting on you is, "Say, don't I know your wife?"

Learn how to say "Back off" very loudly and look fierce while you say it.

Let every new man in your life know that you've got a black belt in karate.

Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's their problem.

When you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth, shut your mouth. Unless your mother was really wise.

When in doubt, say no.

You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.

Men love a woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go to bed with her.

No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair products to use.

Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank you. Later.

Always remember: Inside the biggest, burliest, most macho man lives an ego as delicate and fragile as a baby chick making its first venture outside the egg.

Laugh at a man at your own peril.

The only women who look good first thing in the morning are the women who don't know how to put on makeup.

When splitting a dinner check with girlfriends, it's perfectly acceptable to take out a calculator.

If you drop your girlfriends as soon as you have a boyfriend, you will live to regret your decision.

Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

When consumed for its antioxidant properties, dark chocolate has less fat than broccoli.

It's a medical fact that some women gain weight although they eat only salads.

It's another medical fact that too much lettuce can lead to depression.

Women who never binge have no souls.

Only a masochist weighs herself the day after a binge.

Ditto anyone who looks at herself naked in a three-way mirror.

Even Angelina Jolie has some part of her body she hates.

Falling in love is a sure way to lose five pounds.

Getting dumped is a sure way to gain 10.

Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

Except going to your high school reunion and seeing that the prom queen shops at Lane Bryant.

Black really does make you look thinner.

 

[moreluck]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. ​

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday". ​

And I just sat there... ​

On the couch... ​

Naked. ​

​

​

 

[moreluck]

Biblical Spokespersons​

What if biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

• Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?
• Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning.
• The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.
• Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way.
• Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half.
• Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat.
• Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960.
• John the Baptist for DunkinDonuts.com: You'll be head over heels for our new Munchkin platter.
• Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 ... B.C.E.
• Job for NASDAQ: 'Nuff said.

 

[moreluck]

The Amish Farmer:

An Amish farmer walking
through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

 

[moreluck]

Definitions


Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

 

[moreluck]

Politically Correct Expressions​

• Drunk = Spacially Perplexed
• Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective
• Insane People = Selectively Perceptive
• Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential
• Bald = Folically Challenged
• Bald = Comb-Free
• Girl = Pre-Woman
• Short = Vertically Challenged
• Airhead = Reality Impaired
• Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented
• Dead = Metabolically Challenged
• Poor = Economically Deficient
• Poor = Economically Unprepared
• Slum = Economic Oppression Zone
• Hunter = Animal Assassin
• Old People = Gerentologically Advanced
• Homeless = Optionally Residential
• Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider
• Hooker = Sex Surrogate
• Housewife = Domestic Technician
• Handicapped = Differently Abled
• Deaf = Visually Oriented
• Blind = Photonically Non-receptive
• Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged
• Ugly = Attractively Impaired
• Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded