Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

 

[moreluck]

How the Redneck Olympics will differ from the real Olympic Games:

1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold,
silver, and bronze teeth.

7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them
extra toes.

9. Two words Billy Bob-sledding.

10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a hoe-down and participants must be from the same family.

11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real bullets,
"Jist so's we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners."

12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball.

13. The equestrian event will be replaced with Pit-bull boxing.

 

[moreluck]

You know you're growing old when...........

You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.

You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You've found yourself discussing the weather.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

 

[moreluck]

Rules for hunting lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1.Yellow Bellied Sidewinder22.Two-faced Tort Feeder33.Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator54.Big-mouthed Pub Gut25.Honest AttorneyEXTINCT6.Cut-throat27.Back-stabbing Whiner28.Brown-nosed Judge Kisser29.Silver-tongued Drug Defender$100 bounty

 

[moreluck]

Biggest Lies..........

• The check is in the mail.
• I'll respect you in the morning.
• I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
• It's only a cold sore.
• You get this one, I'll pay next time.
• My wife doesn't understand me.
• Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
• Of course I love you.
• I am getting a divorce.
• Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
• I never inhaled.
• It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
• I never watch television except for PBS.
• ...but we can still be good friends.
• She means nothing to me.
• Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
• I gave at the office.
• Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
• I'll call you later.
• We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
• Read my lips: no new taxes
• I've never done anything like this before
• Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
• It's supposed to make that noise.
• I *love* your new <hat/haircut/dress/suit...>!
• ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
• Yes, I did.
• Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile...

 

[moreluck]

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked. "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

 

[moreluck]

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans For Bad-air

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

 

[moreluck]

Baylor College of Medicine said Tuesday it's making a vaccine that removes the high that people get when they use cocaine. It's a Baptist school. In two years the Baptist Church will celebrate four hundred years of taking the fun out of everything.

The Iowa caucuses will be held tonight after a year of nonstop campaigning by the presidential candidates. Many Iowans are sad to see this circus end. After the candidates leave, the farmers will have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.

Argus Hamilton

 

[traveler]

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much w ould you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

"Everything but my earrings."

***************************************************************
Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.

"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

***************************************************************
Louisiana:

A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

**************************************************************
Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

**************************************************************
Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

**************************************************************
Arkansas:

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

**************************************************************

And my favorite:

You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

 

[moreluck]

National Parks​

Questions posed to the National Park Service...

*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

*Mesa Verde National Park:*
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?

*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

 

[moreluck]

Signs & Notices

Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

 

[moreluck]

Marriage Definitions​

• Bachelor
  1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
  3. A man who never makes the same mistake once.
  4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
  5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
  6. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
• Bride
  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
  
• Compromise
  An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
  
• Diplomat
  A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
  
• Gentleman
  1. A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
  2. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
• Housework
  What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
  
• Husband
  1. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
  2. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
• Joint Checking Account
  A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
  
• Love
  An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
  
• Miss
  A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
  
• Mistress
  Something between a mister and a mattress.
  
• Mother-in-Law
  A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
  
• Mrs.
  A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
  
• Spouse
  Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
  
• Wife
  A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

 

[moreluck]

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 23 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...

Now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well!

 

[moreluck]

How to tell your age from the car radio.......

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldie's station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach the 30's, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button and hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldie's station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music".

 

[moreluck]

Mitt Romney spent seven million dollars on ads in Iowa and still lost to Mike Huckabee. He did get the last laugh. Mike Huckabee got a congratulatory call from Jesus Christ after the vote was counted and the call came collect from Salt Lake City.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Southern Terrorist Advisory Atlanta
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

 

[moreluck]

Reasons Adam Was The Luckiest Man..............

He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

He had no in-laws to drop in.

There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

He never had to shovel snow!

There was no "standard weight and height" tables -- and the word FAT meant good.

 

[moreluck]

New York window washer Alcides M came out of a coma in remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still survived. He shares the title of the world's luckiest man with Bill Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived.

Barack Obama told New Hampshire Friday he will make America one nation and one people. It was some speech. If Barack Obama were any more of a uniter, LSU and Ohio State would call off tonight's game because there's nothing to fight about anymore.

Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.

Finally she turned the question over to the group
for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"

Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"

 

[moreluck]

Texas Highway Patrol........

Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman. When the trooper reaches their car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.

"What the hell did you do that for?" the driver asks.

The trooper responds, "You know damn good and well that when I step up here you're supposed to have your driver's license and proof of insurance ready for me to check."

After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.

"What the hell are you doing?" the passenger screams.

"I'm just granting your wish," replies the trooper.

"What wish?" asks the man.

"I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you're gonna lean over to your friend there and say, 'I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.'"