Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Strange Questions That Will Always Remain Unanswered........

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

 

[moreluck]

THIS STORY EXEMPLIFIES GUN CONTROL AS IT SHOULD BE.

Shooting in Butte, Montana

Shotgun preteen vs. illegal alie]Home Invaders

Butte, Montana November 5, 2006 Two illegal aliens, Ralphel Resindez, 23, and Enrico Garza, 26, probably believed they would easily overpower home-alone 11 year old Patricia Harrington after her father had left their two-story home.
It seems the two crooks never learned two things:
They were in Montana
And Patricia had been a clay shooting champion since she was nine.
Patricia was in her upstairs room when the two men broke through the front door of the house. She quickly ran to her father's room and grabbed his 12 gauge Mossberg 500 shotgun.
Resindez was the first to get up to the second floor only to be the first to catch a near point blank blast of buckshot from the 11-year- old's knee crouch aim. He suffered fatal wounds to his abdomen and genitals.
When Garza ran to the foot of the stairs, he took a blast to the left shoulder and staggered out into the street where he bled to death before medical help could arrive.

It was found out later that Resindez was armed with a stolen 45 caliber handgun he took from another home invasion robbery. That victim, 50-year-old David Burien, was not so lucky. He died from stab wounds to the chest.
Ever wonder why good stuff never makes NBC, CBS, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, or ABC news.... Now that is Gun Control

Thought for the day: Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist"

Mississippi definition of gun control "Being able to hit your Target!!!"

 

[traveler]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

 

[moreluck]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

 

[moreluck]

CLASSROOM JUSTICE..........

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The class rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it turned out, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for students to take target practice at the clock - since this particular professor was not the most punctual, and many of the students considered him severely "absent-minded." A few well aimed erasers, and lo and behold, 15 minutes passed on the clock, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students "You have 1 hour on-the-clock to complete the exam."

The professor then proceeded to collect all the erasers from around the room he could find, and then gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the exam and collected all the exam papers.

 

[moreluck]

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon......

1. Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
3. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
7. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
10. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
11. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
12. "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
13. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
14. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
15. You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
16. Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
17. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

 

[moreluck]

3 Viagras....

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

 

[moreluck]

Mitt Romney won the Nevada GOP caucuses by a big margin on Saturday. He was finally in a situation where being a Mormon helped him. The caucuses were held at nine in the morning on Saturday, and in Las Vegas the Mormons are the only ones up at that hour.

Argus Hamilton

 

[traveler]

The Godfather, the Bookkeeper &the Lawyer!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and s ays, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't te ll him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

[moreluck]

Dictionary Updates..........

**Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

**Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

**Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

**Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

**Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

**Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power

**Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

**Classic: books that people praise, but do not read.

**Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

**Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

**Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

**Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

**Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

**Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

**Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

**Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

**Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

**Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See, I am not injured yet."

**Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

**Father: A banker provided by nature.

**Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

**Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

**Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

 

[moreluck]

Did You Ever Wonder......

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

[moreluck]

Circle Flies

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary
Clinton is attending, and trying to gather more support for her
Nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts
To belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable
Words.


As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were
Buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem
With them circle flies?"


She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're
Called. But I've never heard of circle flies."


"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
Circling around the back end of a horse."


"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment
Later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"


"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens
Of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."


"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.


After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to
Fool them flies though."

 

[moreluck]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

 

[moreluck]

Help ??

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

 

[moreluck]

Dear Pastor​

• Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
  Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
• Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
  Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
• Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
  Robert Anderson, age 11
• Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
  Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
• Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
  Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
• Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
  Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
• Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
  Loreen. Age 9, Tacoma
• Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
  Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
• Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
  Laurie. Age 10, New York City
• Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
  Love, Ellen, age 9, Athens
• Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
  Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
• Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
  Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
• Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
  Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
• Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
  Carla. Age 10, Salina
• Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
  Ralph, Age 11, Akron
• Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
  Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

 

[moreluck]

Mighty Fine Advice......

1.) Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2.) Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3.) Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4.) When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5.) When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6.) Be engaged at least 6 months before you get married.

7.) Believe in love at first sight.

8.) Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9.) Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10.) In disagreements, fight fairly.....no name calling.

11.) Don't judge people by their relatives.

12.) Talk slowly but think quickly.

13.) When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14.) Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15.) Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

16.) When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

17.) Remember the 3 R's: Respect for self; respect for others; responsibility for all of your actions.

18.) Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19.) When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20.) Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21.) Spend some time alone.

 

[moreluck]

Truth About Car Ads​

• MUST SELL
  ....before it blows up.
• NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
  ....was blindsided by a Winnebego.
• LOOKS LIKE NEW
  ....just don't try to drive it anywhere.
• ALL ORIGINAL
  ....I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
• LOADED WITH OPTIONS
  ....each one more troublesome than the next.
• NEVER SMOKED IN
  ....unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
• PROJECT CAR
  ....doesn't run.
• LOTS OF POTENTIAL
  ....doesn't run.
• NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
  ...doesn't run.

 

[moreluck]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had

someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had ​

so much more time to live, ​

she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'



- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'​

 

[moreluck]

Driving in California​

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

• Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
  A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
• Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
  A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
• Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
  A: Your car.
• Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
  A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
• Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
  A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
• Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
  A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if s/he is cute.
• Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
  A: The color.
• Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
  A: Heavy psychedelics.
• Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
  A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

[moreluck]

Improve Your Sex Life

With today's focus on exercising, I've been trying to talk my husband into joining me in a 20-minute walk each night. One evening after reading an article called "Brighten You Sex Life," I felt I had a new argument to present. I told my husband that, according to what I read, if he just walked 20 minutes a day it would improve his sex life. He replied, "Who do I know that lives 20 minutes away?"