Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A Californian's conversation with Jesus:


Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil," and Jesus' reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, 'What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?'"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

 

[moreluck]

Good Sheep

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep.
Anyway,the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the
farm where the sheep was raised.
The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw. "Well, I was walkin'
along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up
from behind the sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."
" And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes.
THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury
member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."

 

[moreluck]

Hillary meets the kids ......

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"James ."

"And what is your question, James?"

"I have three questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health
care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President? "Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office? "Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time.

Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Henry."

"And what is your question, Henry?"

"I have five questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health
care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the
office as President? "Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office? "Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House? "Fourth - why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early? "Fifth - Where's James?"

 

[moreluck]

Crafts Store

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

 

[moreluck]

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...............

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wave receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

 

[moreluck]

Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho George.

 

[moreluck]

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...

When you cry...

No one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

When you are in pain...

No one sees your hurt.



Sometimes.

When you are worried..

No one sees your stress



Sometimes.

When you are happy..

No one sees your smile ...



-

-

-

-

-



But FART !! Just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching
stories!

 

[moreluck]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

 

[moreluck]

A NONPARTISAN JOKE- -AND IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT AT THAT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When....​

• The good news: Her French maid outfit.
  The bad news: Her beard and moustache.
• Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you're planning to watch America's Most Wanted.
  
• Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster.
  
• First question: "Do you fold your towels before you put them away?"
  
• "Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You'rehired."
  
• She's great with the food budget -- but the hamsters are missing and last night's burgers tasted a bit funky.
  
• You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.

• "I'm sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don't do Windows."
  
• When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that "Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don't have too."
  
• She doesn't do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year-old son.
  
• When she is done with your 14-year-old-son, she does your 13 year-old daughter.
  
• Well, they don't call him "Mr. French" because of his accent.
  
• Scoot marks on the rug, and you don't even have a dog.

 

[moreluck]

PRE-VALENTINE'S DAY THOUGHTS:

---As always, one can say that love, especially now, can be very contagious!

---We used to be so concerned about love and affection. Now, our main concern is love and infection!

---Love and marriage, as the song is sung from 1956, "go together like a horse and carriage." What! When was the last time you used a carriage? Since we now all use cars, it should be love and living together go hand in hand with your huge SUV and three dollars a gallon for gas!

---No longer is it "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways," but instead, it's now, before we get married, we're gonna have one darn good prenup! I guess that's also a way of counting!

---If Love Makes The World Go 'Round, what happens with all the divorces taking place? Start, stop, start, stop, start, stop...

 

[moreluck]

Neighbors​

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions

​

 

[moreluck]

3 Things to ponder........

C O W S


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
​

 

[moreluck]

It is all in the advertising.........

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...It reads, "I only need another $10. 00 to move back to Mexico ."

 

[moreluck]

How Old Are You, Really?​

(The answers are at the end, but don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!)

1. Name the 4 Beatles.

1. _________________
   _________________
   _________________
   _________________
   
   [*]Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!"
   
   [*]"Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____ _____.
   
   [*]What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
   
   [*]What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
   
   [*]Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
   
   [*]You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
   
   [*]Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _____ G. _____.
   
   [*]M-I-C, .... See ya' real soon, .... K-E-Y, _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
   
   [*]"Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."
   
   [*]Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
   
   [*]From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
   
   [*]And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh, ...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."
   
   [*]Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.
   
   [*]He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
   
   [*]"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ______, .... I'm Popeye the sailor man."
   
   [*]Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
   
   [*]In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
   
   [*]In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
   
   [*]"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to _____ _____, _____ _____ _____."
   
   [*]"I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."
   
   [*]________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ ____."
   
   [*]"Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
   
   [*]"Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
   
   [*]"When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______ ______."
   
   [*]It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."

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Answers

1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
26. he is us

Scoring

• 24-26 correct - 50+ years old
• 20-23 correct - 40's
• 15-19 correct - 30's
• 10-14 correct - 20's
• 0- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude

 

[moreluck]

Time to Diet

You know it's time for a diet when.............

You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"

Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact lenses.

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over.

You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard

They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a venetian blind.

You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Household Physics...........

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one- half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

 

[moreluck]

Oh My Aching Back

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right.
All those aches and pains annoyed me.
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE!!!

 

[moreluck]

My Daddy's A Dancer

One day last week, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up: Fireman
-Mechanic - Businessman - Salesman - Doctor - Lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay overnight for
money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some math problems and then took little Justin
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

 

[DS]

AN ELDERLY COUPLE HAS DINNER WITH FRIENDS and after dinner the wives retreat to the kitchen and the two old guys get talking about food.
We went to a fabulous new restaurant the other day...what was it called? hmmmmm what's that flower with thorns....rose?....ROSE!
he yells towards the kitchen...ROSE!what was the name of that new restaurant?