Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Hillary And The Pope

The Pope and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'

So the Pope slapped her.

 

[moreluck]

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.

When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst. Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello" For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive."

 

[moreluck]

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS


And furthermore​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a


"BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not "EASY" - She is


"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a


"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a


"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes


"VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a


"LOW-PRICED PROVIDER."​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is


"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in


"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He does not act like a "SMART ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE." ​

 

[moreluck]

In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Black and Hispanic peoples appearing on TV, the Network has decided that in the future - 'America's Most Wanted'will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.

​

 

[moreluck]

Bonding Time

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

,' the father asked, 'Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'

Oh yes, Daddy,' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy head!'



Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? [/font]

 

[moreluck]

Minutes to a Cleaner House


You have company arriving in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

• SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
  • If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
  • CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
  • Time: 2 seconds
• SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
  • No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
  • Time: 2-3 minutes
• SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
  • If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
  • Time: 2 minutes
• SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
  • Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
  • Time: 2.5 minutes
• SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
  • Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
  • Time: 3 minutes
• SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
  • No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
  • Time: 4 minutes
• SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
  • The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
  • Time: 3 minutes
• SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
  • Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
  • Time: 1 minute
• SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
  • This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.
  • CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
  • Time: 3 seconds
• SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
  • If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.
  • Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
• SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
  • Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
  • Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
• SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
  • The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
  • Time: 10 seconds
• Secret Tip 13: Bed Making
  • Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
  • Time: 0
• Secret Tip 14: Showers, Toilets, and Sinks
  • Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
  • Time: 1 minute
• Secret Tip 15
  • If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

 

[moreluck]

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,
what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

 

[traveler]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"


He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."

 

[moreluck]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the light, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side t he husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replied,'I'd cover his up with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[moreluck]

Procrastinator's Creed​

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

 

[moreluck]

Hillary and Abe...

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

 

[moreluck]

KID STUFF:

**WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?**

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

~~~~~~~~ **IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not forboys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9

~~~~~~~~

**HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

**HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 ~~~~~~~~ **How Do You Decide Who to Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

**WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

**HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Errick, age 8

**WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

**WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

**WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

 

[moreluck]

Signs You've Bought a Cheap Car​

• Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
• The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
• The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
• The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
• The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
• Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
• The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."
• You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
• You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
• When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.

 

[moreluck]

Spot, the dog

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

 

[moreluck]

Hi, My Name is.......

Art, I'm a museum curator.

Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.

Bill, I run a collection agency.

John, I'm a plumber.

Rob, I'm a thief.

Hans, I'm a manicurist.

Pete Moss, I sell fertilizer.

Mark, I price items in a supermarket.

Carol, I sing during the holidays.

Candy, I'm a confectioner.

Rusty, I undercoat cars.

Bud, I'm in flowers.

Jules, Ruby, amd Pearl. We're jewelers.

Sherry, I'm a wine master.

Herald, I'm a messenger.

 

[moreluck]

Golf Challenge..........

The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
​

 

[moreluck]

When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend.

We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

 

[moreluck]

Reading

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" and so it does ..

"A friend r i c a n Elephant"

 

[moreluck]

Hillary & Experience

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the
starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that
she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16
years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers.
During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of
a corner blitz, and is now completely comfortable with other
terminology of the Packers offense. A survey of Packers fans shows
that 50% of those polled supported the move.


Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?
Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is
qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed. She has
never run a City,
County, or State. When told Hillary Clinton has
experience because she has 8 years in the white house, Dick Morris
stated, "So has the pastry chef".

 

[moreluck]

"That's the fifth time you've gone back for more fried chicken," the wife complained to her husband at the buffet supper, "Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Not at all" he replied, "I keep telling them I'm getting it for you."