Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic
terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches
you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into
it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my
children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day
and make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and
try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
theWinchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic
terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches
you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into
it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my
children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day
and make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and
try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
theWinchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist
moreluck
golden ticket member
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
Herself in the mirror. Since Her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six Again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl Of Lucky Charms, and then
Took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
The park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, etc; everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with Extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a
Big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six Again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly Changed. 'I meant my dress size, you
!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it ALL wrong.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
Herself in the mirror. Since Her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six Again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl Of Lucky Charms, and then
Took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
The park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, etc; everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with Extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a
Big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six Again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly Changed. 'I meant my dress size, you
!' The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it ALL wrong.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Words That Should Exist............
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.
Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Car Trivia......
On average there is about 3,000 feet of electrical wiring in every car.If you drove at 100mph for four years you would still not cover every stretch of road in the USA.
Car airbags explode at 200 miles per hour.
Since the 1970's microchips have doubled in power and halved in price. If the same thing happened to cars then a Rolls Royce would do 100,000 miles to the gallon and would only cost you £25 for a brand new one!
British Petroleum makes a profit of £3,800.00 per second!
On average a human being spends two weeks of their entire lives waiting for traffic lights to change.
The first person to be killed in an auto accident in the United States was Henry H. Bliss, a 68-year-old real estate broker. On September 14, 1899, in New York City, Mr. Bliss stepped from a streetcar, turned to assist a woman passenger, and was hit by a cab.
The 1st automobile racetrack in the US was the Indianapolis Motor Speedway which consists of 3 million cobblestones.
In 1916, 55 percent of the cars in the world were Model T Fords, a record that has never been beaten.
In 2003, 17,013 people were killed in alcohol-related crashes in the United States. This amounts to one death almost every half-hour.
The city with the most Rolls Royce's per capita is Hong Kong.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At the time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
On average there is about 3,000 feet of electrical wiring in every car.If you drove at 100mph for four years you would still not cover every stretch of road in the USA.
Car airbags explode at 200 miles per hour.
Since the 1970's microchips have doubled in power and halved in price. If the same thing happened to cars then a Rolls Royce would do 100,000 miles to the gallon and would only cost you £25 for a brand new one!
British Petroleum makes a profit of £3,800.00 per second!
On average a human being spends two weeks of their entire lives waiting for traffic lights to change.
The first person to be killed in an auto accident in the United States was Henry H. Bliss, a 68-year-old real estate broker. On September 14, 1899, in New York City, Mr. Bliss stepped from a streetcar, turned to assist a woman passenger, and was hit by a cab.
The 1st automobile racetrack in the US was the Indianapolis Motor Speedway which consists of 3 million cobblestones.
In 1916, 55 percent of the cars in the world were Model T Fords, a record that has never been beaten.
In 2003, 17,013 people were killed in alcohol-related crashes in the United States. This amounts to one death almost every half-hour.
The city with the most Rolls Royce's per capita is Hong Kong.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At the time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Trivial Pursuit For Blondes
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
'2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
T ried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't
fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108#
December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
phone!!!
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said
'2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
T ried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't
fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108#
December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
phone!!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARKHIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
S.O.B. ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE
HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARKHIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
S.O.B. ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper stickers
Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
moreluck
golden ticket member
Old VW
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.
traveler
Where next? Venice
THE CHICKEN BUSINESS
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning J oh n noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning J oh n noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible
moreluck
golden ticket member
How NOT to Pass Your Driver's Test
- Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
- Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
- Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
- Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
- When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
- When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."
- Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
- After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
- Fill your car with beer bottles.
- The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
- Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
- In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
- Swear at everybody on the road.
- When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
- Beep your horn at everything.
- Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
traveler
Where next? Venice
traveler
Where next? Venice
Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?
Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles a way?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right when impending doom is upon us . . .
Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles a way?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right when impending doom is upon us . . .
moreluck
golden ticket member
Irish Pubs........
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubsback home..In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals,so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5thdrink for you.""Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the RedLion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman."Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buyyou a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take youupstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house".
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn theIrishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman "did this actuallyhappen to you?"
"Not to me meself, personally, no," said theIrishman ..."...but it did happen to me sister.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubsback home..In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals,so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5thdrink for you.""Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the RedLion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman."Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buyyou a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take youupstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house".
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn theIrishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman "did this actuallyhappen to you?"
"Not to me meself, personally, no," said theIrishman ..."...but it did happen to me sister.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I'VE LEARNED..............
I've learned that when you're in love, it shows.
I've leaned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned that what we do for only ourselves dies with us, but what we do selflessly for others becomes immortal.
I've learned that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned never to humiliate another person.
I've learned that if you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.
I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned that life is tough, but I am tougher.
I've learned that friends are telling you something you should really listen to them even when it's something that you really don't want to hear.
I've learned that when you fall flat on your bottom, you look more like an idiot if you let it get you down. If you bounce right back up again with a smile on your face however, things work out better and easier for you.
I've learned that no matter how many times you lose someone you love, it still hurts just as bad as if it were the first time.
I've learned to live like you're gonna die tomorrow... Why worry when you can pray?
I've learned that when you're in love, it shows.
I've leaned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned that what we do for only ourselves dies with us, but what we do selflessly for others becomes immortal.
I've learned that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned never to humiliate another person.
I've learned that if you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.
I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned that life is tough, but I am tougher.
I've learned that friends are telling you something you should really listen to them even when it's something that you really don't want to hear.
I've learned that when you fall flat on your bottom, you look more like an idiot if you let it get you down. If you bounce right back up again with a smile on your face however, things work out better and easier for you.
I've learned that no matter how many times you lose someone you love, it still hurts just as bad as if it were the first time.
I've learned to live like you're gonna die tomorrow... Why worry when you can pray?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Jewish Texan..........
Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place "The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place "Gene's Ranch Estate."
The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.
And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.
Downtown Dallas says the old Jewish man.
Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place "The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place "Gene's Ranch Estate."
The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.
And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.
Downtown Dallas says the old Jewish man.
moreluck
golden ticket member
When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.< BR>Open the package and remove the thermometer.Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson"
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.< BR>Open the package and remove the thermometer.Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson"
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